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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious at football

57 replies

Razzataz · 08/01/2022 17:14

My husband was a "semi professional" footballer before we met and after 3 years dating we moved in together and had our first child quite young at me 22 and him 24. Naturally over the years his football career sort of fizzled out and he packed it in.

We struggled for years to have our second child and were finally blessed in 2020 with our son. So we have a 10 year old and an almost 2 year old.

We both work full time and Contribute financially and time to the household, order and running of the house pretty much Evenly.

I would say it's a 60/40 split for house running though. He does chip in for sure but I do do the majority. Our salaries are similar and we both work very hard and often long hours.

Last august he got a message from an old team mate encouraging him to rejoin football - I was very very happy for him and encouraged him after pandemic and lockdown to get back to it to enjoy something for himself.

But now it's grating on me and I'm starting to get snappy with him and resent him.

He trains every Tuesday & Thursday evening and is gone every Saturday for the matches.

Since we both worth full time and older child's extra curricular takes up most week night evenings, the weekend is really our only time as a family together.

One of the weekend days (usually Sunday morning) is for sorting all of the washing and ironing and organising for the week ahead and a Sunday roast to end the week.

Saturday is our only actual time together - say to go swimming or to a museum or whatever as a family. And now we can't do anything as hes at football. We also only have one family car so it's not like I can take kids out myself and again starting to feel a little bit hemmed in.

I feel like I can't talk to him about it because I encouraged him and he does deserve "me time" but it's also taking the proverbial in my opinion that he has a whole Saturday carved out which then directly impacts the family.
His mum and dad and brothers also very happy he's back and go to watch him on Saturdays so feel like It's not my place to be the one to stop it.

What do you think? AIBU??? I know I probably am but aaaaarrrghhhhh

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/01/2022 17:49

@PugInTheHouse

Being in a football team doesn't work like that, you can't necessarily rock up every other week.
Beat me to it.
PickledPeppa · 08/01/2022 17:55

His mum and dad and brothers also very happy he's back and go to watch him on Saturdays so feel like It's not my place to be the one to stop it.

He could get a lift there with one of his family members and leave the car for you.

Momicrone · 08/01/2022 17:58

Yes i'm sure his family would think you were very unreasonable to stop his fun, nothing must come between a man and his sport don't you know

HunkyPunk · 08/01/2022 17:58

I can see why you might feel a bit resentful, but football is his passion. I’d find it very hard to deny someone I loved, the opportunity to do something that obviously means so much to them. There has to be some give and take, though. I suppose it depends on the dynamic in your relationship. Do you feel taken for granted, maybe? I’d agree with maybe him trying to organise lifts in rotation, so you’re only without the car once in a while. Also yes to re-jigging the weekend a bit, so that you do on Sat. morning what you now do on Sunday, leaving Sun. free. You don’t always have to have your roast on a Sun. Why not Saturday, after the match, sometimes?
I suppose it’s too much of a stretch to suggest that his football becomes more of a family thing with you and the children going along to support him?

PinkSyCo · 08/01/2022 17:59

Either he can do chores Saturday morning and you do your share in the early evening or vice versa OR you both muck in together morning and evening. He gets a lift to football with his family or one of his teammates so that you can have the car. Then Sunday can be family day including a meal out if you can afford it.

CovidForChristmas · 08/01/2022 18:04

He leaves at 12 and gets home at 5pm
I was going to say YABU until I saw this! That’s so inconvenient.
The difficult part is you encouraged him to go for it! I guess you can say you didn’t realise how much time it would take up?

I have a hobby but I do it v early so I can have a good session under my belt and be back for lunch. It’s also once a week not 3 times. That’s just so much time out when you have DC and work.

TeenPlusCat · 08/01/2022 18:12

Make Sat am a chores morning.
When it is a 'home match' you drop him at the grounds and collect afterwards or he gets lifts. At least that way you have the car 50% of the time.
Consider doing Sunday roast on a Saturday one weekends you are in then. He can come home hungry to enjoy it.

5 hours out of the house for a home match seems quite a lot to me. How much of that is 'socialising' rather than warm up / playing?

Skullycup45 · 08/01/2022 18:19

@arethereanyleftatall

There isn't really a right or wrong answer, just depends on how you want to live as a couple.

For me, I would only want to be in a relationship which 'allowed' each other time for individual hobbies. Because I like them and they're important to me. 3 times per week isn't that many, and the other person should also get 3.

But, some couples don't want to live like that, they want to do everything together.

Which is also fine.

The problem only arises if you're not on the same page. Which you're not. But neither of you are wrong.

I agree with this. DH and I have a fair split. We alternate week days in terms of who goes out. Sundays are our family days out. We both work full time.

If you're not going to ask him to quit, I think you need to accept the current routine isn't working and make changes.

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2022 18:21

Let him go, and you join something every Sunday, Sundays can be yours. No more roasts! Sausage and mash instead!

DDivaStar · 08/01/2022 18:25

That's alot of time away from family life, I can totally see how that could be irritating. But your going to have to decide if you're willing to work around it and make the most of the available time. Or if this will cause continuing resentment.

SilverRingahBells · 08/01/2022 18:30

The obvious answer is that Saturday is chores day and Sunday is family fun day. The trap would be that you end up doing drudgery all Saturday while he has fun, but you need a serious conversation with him to make sure that that doesn't happen - whether that involves him doing the laundry on Thursday evenings or a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday morning or whatever.

The people helpfully suggesting that the DC go and support him at the football have perhaps missed the fact that one of the children is one year old. And frankly it would be unreasonably tough on the ten year old to hang around at the side of a pitch for five hours every Saturday all winter.

DysmalRadius · 08/01/2022 18:34

Have you told him how you feel and asked him to suggest changes that would redress the balance? Because if he wants to do this, it shouldn't fall to you to come up with a solution to ensure that things are fair.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/01/2022 18:42

I'm afraid I really can't see the problem.

Just move chores to a Saturday morning - you can both do a mix of chores/childcare and then he can go off to football afterwards while you have a chill afternoon with the DC. Sundays can then be a family day.

If you only have one car, why can't he get a lift with a team-mate (at least on alternate weeks) or share with a family member if they enjoy watching him play?

Doubledoorsontogarden · 08/01/2022 18:55

Can you drop him off or get a lift? The. You get the car?

It’s not all year around, when will their season be over? Get him to do extra over the summer?

Original poster
Razzataz · 08/01/2022 19:08

Wow I'm blown away by response. Some very interesting responses! Thank you all.

Just to add - the football team is right where his family live but that's an hour drive from us. We're across town.

So it's an hour there and back for home games. He kindly doesn't so much socialising.

I'd like to reiterate this probably wouldn't be an issue at alllllll if he playing from like 9-2 - it's just a horrible time and feel it's stealing weekends.

Do agree we both have our own lives to leave and behind resentment I am actually delighted he's back doing what he loves.

Will change up some routine and take some of the great advice on board.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/01/2022 19:32

Some weeks can his family look after the children while he plays so you can go and do something for yourself?

SeasonFinale · 08/01/2022 19:49

Personally I would be going to watch and taking the kids too.

Sirzy · 08/01/2022 20:45

@SeasonFinale

Personally I would be going to watch and taking the kids too.
Which is all well and good if she (and the children) like football. Personally I would rather be sat at home than watching football (I would go for big games but no way every eeek)
TracyMosby · 08/01/2022 21:36

Do agree we both have our own lives to leave
When do you go out alone and do you thing?
He needs to be doing housework on a saturday morning before he goes.
He needs to find another way to get there.

Chely · 08/01/2022 22:01

You need to find a compromise here. Offer to drop him off and pick him up on Saturdays you want to do something with the kids or he could find a lift share (if his family are going anyway they could volunteer).

My dh used to go off for hours with our only car to the gym. I wasn't happy about it so we invested in a home gym, I get use of of it too so was a big win.

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 08/01/2022 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TrishM80 · 08/01/2022 22:49

Yabu, you encouraged him to go back playing competitive sport but now you're moving the goalposts, pardon the pun.

Laughing at some of the clueless responses, "just tell him to play every second Saturday", "just tell him to play the mornings instead of the afternoons" Grin

It's a COMPETITIVE league, the fixtures and match times are drawn up months in advance before the season begins. An individual player has zero power to pick and choose what games or what times he wants to play!

LannieDuck · 08/01/2022 23:32

Laughing at some of the clueless responses, "just tell him to play every second Saturday", "just tell him to play the mornings instead of the afternoons" grin

It's a COMPETITIVE league

Well maybe he needs to find a less COMPETITIVE group to join? Something more informal that doesn't take 2 evenings a week plus most of Saturday?

Kite22 · 08/01/2022 23:53

So do all your washing sorting together on a Saturday morning if you feel that is something that a) you have to do together and b) takes a whole morning, then you can go to a museum on a Sunday if you think that is what you all want to do

Get him to leave you the car if you need it - of course, getting public transport across to a convenient point to where he might meet team mates might mean him being out a longer amount of time
or
If all his family go along and watch, suggest he takes the dc as they might like to spend that time together, even if you don't want to go and watch.

MrsDThomas · 09/01/2022 08:03

You are making your Sundays busy so you can resent his football. Let the man go, and change your weekends around.

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