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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancelling plans

35 replies

workingtheusername · 07/01/2022 13:15

Me and my (adult ) dd are in a debate. I think it's rude to cancel plans last minute without a good reason ie medical emergency. My dd thinks I need to chill and it's ok to cancel if something comes up as long as you haven't paid for anything/already set off. So for example if I arranged a night out with a friend and they cancelled that day for anything other than illness/emergency I would be annoyed. They should let me know sooner. But my daughter says things come up and it's ok to switch things round. What do you guys think AIBU?

OP posts:

SummaLuvin · 07/01/2022 13:26

I consider last minute cancellations rude - you might have been preparing, looking forward to it, or even turned down alternative plans to be together - to me it sends the message of "you are not important or a priority, so it doesn't matter if I dump you last minute". The caveat to that being it depends what you DD means by "if something comes up" - if she means someone who suffers bad anxiety is having a difficult day and doesn't feel it would benefit them then fair enough, I would be put out but understanding. If she means that there is a better offer on the table or they simply can't be arsed then that is rude.

Original poster

workingtheusername · 07/01/2022 13:56

Totally agree 😂

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 07/01/2022 14:51

I think it's rude unless it's an emergency . I have gone out when I have felt tired / under the weather /skint if it's prearranged it's rude to cancel last minute .

Original poster

workingtheusername · 07/01/2022 17:01

I did this on Sunday as it was just two of us so wouldn't have gone ahead if I hadn't gone

OP posts:

irregularegular · 07/01/2022 17:06

I think it is rude/thoughtless/unkind too. So does my daughter (19). She and I both agree that it is really annoying and generally a bit rubbish if people do this. Fortunately very few of my friends do this. She has more trouble as it does seem to be more normal with younger people. But she is learning to recognize her reliable friends and not have very high expectations of others.

I'm reliable to the point of obsessiveness. I should possibly be more flexible. I never pull out of anything. Pretty much the only times I can think of are following sudden death of parent!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/01/2022 17:13

I agree with you. It’s very rude to cancel last minute unless there’s a good reason (ie not “I don’t fancy it, I got a better offer, I’m tired etc) Especially if there’s only too of you going.

As a pp said, the other person might have made preparations, hired a babysitter, turned down alternative plans, be looking forward to it.

And when you do go, act like you’re happy to be there, not sulky or trying to cut it short.

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2022 17:22

Yes, rude, thoughtless and selfish.

Onlinedilema · 07/01/2022 17:24

I think it's rude. Obviously if you are ill then it's totally acceptable to cancel. I don't like fickle people though.

WimpoleHat · 07/01/2022 17:25

I agree with you. “I don’t feel like it/I’ve had a better offer” is selfish as hell an doesn’t take the other party’s feelings into account. Obviously shit happens: illness, ill kids, broken down cars, a crisis at work etc. But anything other than a concrete reason is very rude.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/01/2022 17:26

It’s rude, I have a strict three strikes and you’re out policy with late cancellers.

Returnoftheowl · 07/01/2022 17:27

Cancelling at short notice, unless it's an emergency, is rude.
Your daughter might well find she's a bit short of friends in the future if that is how she treats them.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/01/2022 17:29

It's rude and if it's something you do often you need to accept that the other person will more than likely give up on you unless you have other highly desirable characteristics.

Hunderland · 07/01/2022 17:29

I didn't want to go somewhere recently and was so glad the organisers cancelled... but wouldn't have cancelled on them (birthday event). Agree with you, a date is a date!

PumpkinPie2016 · 07/01/2022 17:29

I think it's rude to cancel last minute unless for a very good reason e.g. illness/family emergency.

Tal45 · 07/01/2022 17:30

I'm with you OP. Your dd sounds a bit flaky to me.

DysmalRadius · 07/01/2022 17:30

I think it depends on the nature of the arrangement - a big night out is one thing, but going for a coffee or an hour's walk is a bit different. I also think it relies on both parties having the same attitude and being equally likely /able to cancel or rearrange. So I'd disagree that a hard and fast rule is needed in every case so long as everyone understands each others' position.

pilates · 07/01/2022 17:33

Agree with you

RampantIvy · 07/01/2022 17:34

I agree with you. Cancelling for a better offer is not only incredibly rude, it's a really shitty and inconsiderate thing to do. It tells the person they have cancelled on that they aren't very important to them. I'm glad your DD is not my DD's friend.

I have no time for flakey people. I just wouldn't bother making arrnagements to meet up with them.

XmasElf10 · 07/01/2022 17:36

Agree with you, I also have a 3 strikes rule on I consider people.

DeepaBeesKit · 07/01/2022 17:36

I ditch late cancellers fast.

In my experience they accept everyone then choose their "best" option on the day. Late cancellation on a regular basis tells you someone considers you a low priority.i dont need people like that.

museumum · 07/01/2022 17:36

I would agree with you now 100%.
But I know in my early to mid 20s life was a lot more fluid, plans were flexible and opportunities to socialise pretty much unlimited so if it didn’t happen tonight it would happen in a few days time.
These days I hardly ever get out so I’d be mighty pissed off if someone cancelled for no reason.

Ponoka7 · 07/01/2022 17:37

My youngest DD, 23 and her friend have your Dad's attitude and it suits their group. Sometimes they plan to do something after work, but then don't feel like it, so cancel on the day. If it involved traveling, hair do etc, then they wouldn't. But as your DD says if money hasn't been spend, then it's fine. This is how you find your friendship group. It isn't up to anyone else to declare it rude, or wrong.

LeQuern · 07/01/2022 17:43

I’m on the fence. Two people meeting? Yes, that would require notice of at least 48hrs and not at all acceptable to cancel (unless emergency) if money had been spent.

But a casual meet up of 3 or more? Then ok to cancel. Indeed, I have today. Group of friends meeting for drinks this evening and I have cancelled - they’re heavy drinkers and I’m doing Dry Jan and wouldn’t have the willpower to stay off the grog. Didn’t know I was going to do DJ when the plans were made 2 weeks ago. They don’t mind and we’ve been friends for 30 years so…

NumberTheory · 07/01/2022 17:47

I think it’s sliding scale. Depends on the plans, the nature of the agreement to go, etc. I don’t think it always has to be an emergency to be okay to drop or rearrange, but the more important/well planned/unique/etc. the plans are the better the reason needs to be to back out.

belimoo · 07/01/2022 17:49

I try not to do it as I know other people don't like it but I love it when people cancel plans with me.

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