Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want my friends to visit me?

51 replies

PamelaDoov · 07/01/2022 12:53

I had a second trimester miscarriage, which officially ‘happened’ on Sunday. I told my 5 girlfriends later that same day on our group chat, they all sent lovely messages back. I really feel like I want to see one of them, any of them. I’m so sad and I want a shoulder to cry on (I’m not great at doing that with family or DHs family, I want one of my best friends). But no one has offered to come over yet. And I don’t want to ask. We’ve all spoken in the group chat about other things since then, just our normal chit chat. Nobody’s asked how I’m doing.
Everyone always says ‘I’m here if you need me’ but no one says ‘can I come and help you’.
I’ve got some standalone friends in that they aren’t part of the group. One of them has said the same, here if you need me etc. But that’s it. The other one asked me how I was a couple of days ago and I actually opened up a bit and said I wasn’t doing very well at all. But she hasnt even replied to that.
AIBU to want someone to offer to visit? I feel so pathetic announcing ‘I’m ready for visitors’ like I think I’m so special. I just want someone real to talk to.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2022 12:55

They have - we are here if you need us. Tell them you need them!

gobbledygoook · 07/01/2022 12:57

Please tell them you need them. Even if you message one separately to the group. It's not been long and they won't want to intrude / pressure you into meeting, they'll be taking their cues from you (in my experience with a similar situation recently).

Do you like Starbucks? They've just brought out some new flavoured drinks with oat milk, perhaps use this as a suggestion to meet up to try them? Or something similar?

Annaghgloor · 07/01/2022 12:59

I think you need to ask -- your friends have said they're there if you need them, but how you need them is up to you to determine. They're not psychic, and it's quite possible they assume you want some time alone or just with your DH to deal with such a traumatic thing. If you've been chitchatting about other things on the WhatsApp, it's also possible they think you don't want to talk about it at all, or that you'd prefer to distract yourself.

I don't think it's a sign they don't care, but you will need to lead if you want a specific kind of support, especially during Covid, when people are seeing one another less face-to-face.

I'm so sorry.

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 13:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think they are probably holding back and not wanting to intrude. Why don't you send a message saying "Girls, I'm really struggling and I'd love to have a shoulder to cry on. Is anyone around over the weekend for a cuppa?" I bet they will all offer.

Take care of yourself x

Smartiepants79 · 07/01/2022 13:02

They’re probably all attempting to give you space to recover and not pester you at a difficult time.
If they’re proper friends then you should be able to reach out and say ‘I’m feeling crap, i need someone to talk to and give me hug, can you come’
You need to tell them what you need.

Original poster

PamelaDoov · 07/01/2022 13:03

I’m part of the problem. I hate asking people for help. I always have. So I never do. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need to and I don’t know how. I feel so pathetic.

OP posts:

gobbledygoook · 07/01/2022 13:06

@PamelaDoov

I’m part of the problem. I hate asking people for help. I always have. So I never do. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need to and I don’t know how. I feel so pathetic.

OP, you are not pathetic in any sense of the word. You have gone through something that has had a huge impact on your life, and now you need support from your close friends. I'm sure they would be happy to come and support you anyway you need, that's what friends are for.

This is totally not pathetic - I actually think reaching out for help in times of need can be one of the hardest things to do, but also one of the strongest.

Sending lots of virtual support your way!

GunsNShips · 07/01/2022 13:08

@scaredsadandstuck

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself x

This is great advice!

Sprucewillis · 07/01/2022 13:09

I am so sorry this has happen to you. Just message them and say please can one of you come and be a shoulder, I need a hug they will be straight over.

SallyWD · 07/01/2022 13:09

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I think you do need to ask. They probably feel it's a private time for you and DH and they don't want to intrude. People can feel awkward when someone is suffering and not know what to say or do. I had cancer and many friends kept their distance from me and didn't want to talk about it. I was desperate for a shoulder to cry on. I'm sure if you ask to meet one they will do so willingly.

Echobelly · 07/01/2022 13:10

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure your friends are just not wanting to intrude, @scaredsadandstuck 's idea is perfect I think.

Sparklesocks · 07/01/2022 13:11

I’m so sorry for your loss.
As others have suggested, they most likely don’t want to intrude and are giving you space to grieve and don’t realise you want them to come round. Even a simple, casual message like scared suggested will make it clear what you need and it doesn’t need to be a big plea.

dreamkitchenhelp · 07/01/2022 13:12

Just test them saying feeling a bit low, does someone fancy coming round for wine/cake/gin. They will all be there in 5 mins

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 13:12

Sorry for your loss OP

But they've told you they are there if you need them, so now it's up to you to tell them you physically need them.

I wouldn't want to intrude, so I'd definitely put the ball in your court.

MMMarmite · 07/01/2022 13:15

I would assume someone was more likely to want peace and privacy in their home in this circumstance, and I wouldn't want to pressure them to 'host' me - so if you want people to come round I think you need to tell them.

BDavis · 07/01/2022 13:16

@PamelaDoov I’m so sorry for your loss OP! They’re your best friends, I’m sure they’d be there in a heartbeat as soon as they know that’s what you want. They’ll be trying to give you space to process things how you need to!

Send them a message - “I could really do with some girl time if any/all of you are free? Tea/coffee/takeaway at mine?”.
Or whatever you’re up for OP

scaredsadandstuck · 07/01/2022 13:16

@PamelaDoov

I’m part of the problem. I hate asking people for help. I always have. So I never do. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need to and I don’t know how. I feel so pathetic.

Oh lovely, I'm exactly the same. I know it's really hard. I have to force myself to ask for help/support and I hate it. That's why I love whatsapp/messenger etc because you don't have to say the words out loud. Just quickly type the message, press send, put your phone down and walk away. Give it 15 minutes and I bet you'll have at least one, if not all of them, responding. Do it now, and in 15 minutes you'll be feeling better.

Annaghgloor · 07/01/2022 13:17

@PamelaDoov

I’m part of the problem. I hate asking people for help. I always have. So I never do. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need to and I don’t know how. I feel so pathetic.

I absolutely loathe asking people for help, too -- but on a recent occasion where I gritted my teeth and was honest, it was really worthwhile. Worth a try, I'd say.

elizabethdraper · 07/01/2022 13:19

You need to voice your needs

People don't like to intrude

Send an sos text right now

vonniee · 07/01/2022 13:20

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also experienced a second trimester loss in August so I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever deal with.
They are waiting to take the lead from you. I was the opposite from you, I had people wanting to see me but I didn’t want to see them until I was ready. You need to give them direction on that. Sending love and support.

Gilly12345 · 07/01/2022 13:20

You are going to have to invite the friend over for a visit as most friends wouldn’t invite themselves over for fear of being intrusive.

Sorry for your loss. 💐💐

mumda · 07/01/2022 13:20

Ask if anyone fancies a coffee. Ask them to bring cake. You can always talk about cake, It's easy.

vonniee · 07/01/2022 13:21

Plus I also hate asking for help. I’m always the helper/organizer etc but you need to take care of you the best way you can. Ask for the help you need and I am sure they will come.

madisonbridges · 07/01/2022 13:26

@PamelaDoov

I’m part of the problem. I hate asking people for help. I always have. So I never do. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need to and I don’t know how. I feel so pathetic.

People really want to help. Everyone likes to feel needed. Look at asking for their help as doing them a favour because it allows them to do something for you and will make them feel happy and good about themselves. Give them the opportunity to help you. So sorry for your loss.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/01/2022 13:28

I bet they would feel awful if they thought you felt like this and weren't saying anything. Message one of them now saying you could really do with some company this weekend if they're free, do they fancy a walk/ cuppa or whatever

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread