To want my friends to visit me?

[PamelaDoov]

I had a second trimester miscarriage, which officially ‘happened’ on Sunday. I told my 5 girlfriends later that same day on our group chat, they all sent lovely messages back. I really feel like I want to see one of them, any of them. I’m so sad and I want a shoulder to cry on (I’m not great at doing that with family or DHs family, I want one of my best friends). But no one has offered to come over yet. And I don’t want to ask. We’ve all spoken in the group chat about other things since then, just our normal chit chat. Nobody’s asked how I’m doing.
Everyone always says ‘I’m here if you need me’ but no one says ‘can I come and help you’.
I’ve got some standalone friends in that they aren’t part of the group. One of them has said the same, here if you need me etc. But that’s it. The other one asked me how I was a couple of days ago and I actually opened up a bit and said I wasn’t doing very well at all. But she hasnt even replied to that.
AIBU to want someone to offer to visit? I feel so pathetic announcing ‘I’m ready for visitors’ like I think I’m so special. I just want someone real to talk to.

Id message and ask if anyone is willing to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Id say theyll all jump and be your side asap.

People tend to hang back when others are grieving

I think most PP are right - people don't want to intrude/invite themselves over but would likely be there in a heartbeat if you said something. When I had cancer and was going through chemo I really appreciated the 'let me know if I can do anything' texts much more than the 'fancy doing x' texts because then I was in the position of having to say no if I didn't want to. I think if you suggest a cuppa or brunch or whatever they will be there for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with what people have said about asking for help for some reason is incredibly difficult but it's absolutely not a sign of weakness and you're in no way pathetic.

I'm grieving my DF who passed away last year, and even though friends and work have been very kind and supportive, for some particular reason when I'm at a low point, I find it the hardest thing in the world to simply say 'I'm struggling here, I could use some help'. It sounds like your friends are there for you but probably taking their cue from you, so even though it's really hard, I completely get that, if you could message one of them and say I need you, please could you come, I'm sure they would. and hugs for you OP and I hope they give you the support you need.

Thanks everyone. I guess I should say something to them. I will in a bit.
I am upset with the friend that has just ignored my last message though

"I'm here if you need me" from all of them is even better than one or two of them saying "shall I come round" - they're leaving it to you to say who you would like to call on. I'm never confident that anyone would actually find me helpful in this sort of situation; I'd much rather leave the ball in their court than go round and assume they'd want me there.

Can you say something like "Let me know if any of you fancy popping over. I wouldn't mind the company" or something

Or suggest a lunch or something

Tell them! I got lots of ‘let us know if you need anything’ but couldn’t articulate what I needed, so people offering specific support was better BUT often people don’t know what to do. Please message your friends and say you could do with some in person support, could they pop round this weekend.

It's a tricky one but I love the advice above about saying anyone fancy a cuppa. People in these situations don't want to intrude or ask if they can come and then you end up agreeing when you don't feel like visitors. "I'm here if you need me" leaves it up to you. I bet they would be happy to come! We're so British aren't we, you have to be direct.
I've known people in my life who are the type to make a fuss of you without asking and kind of inflict themselves on you with help, they are usually of a different culture and just have that confidence. I'd struggle to make someone a hot meal and take it round without being asked because I'd think "what if they don't want it or take offense" bloody overthinking.

I think you should send a group message saying " id really like some rl company and someone to chat to. Is anyone free to come over for coffee and biscuits

Are you getting support from your partner OP?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please try to not be upset with your friends - you told them on Sunday about your loss, and I imagine that they would have been working this week.
Just messaged the group, and tell them that you could do with some company in evening/this weekend, and hopefully they will be there for you (I'm sure they will!).

@BookFiend4Life yes we are supporting each other. But sometimes you still need your best friends as well.

You’re in a low place so don’t beat yourself up about that.
I think you should try not to focus on your friend or replying. They didn’t reply because-
She opened the text and then the phone rang
She’s composed a reply and didn’t hit send (I do this alL the time by accident)
Someone came to the door
Her kid had the phone
So many reasons.

Send a text-

“Thanks for all your messages, feeling quite rough today but DH is doing his best, anyone fancy a cuppa tomorrow, I would really love to see a friendly face”

I don’t mean to be upset with them. I guess I’m just the type of person who likes it when people want to see me without me asking, and some other people prefer to invite others round in their own time. But we can’t all read each other’s minds can we (if only).

@scaredsadandstuck

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think they are probably holding back and not wanting to intrude. Why don't you send a message saying "Girls, I'm really struggling and I'd love to have a shoulder to cry on. Is anyone around over the weekend for a cuppa?" I bet they will all offer.

Take care of yourself x

This ^ text is perfect.

I’d assume you wanted peace and quiet and space but if I got that message I’d be round bringing coffee and cake with me like a shot.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss OP. Just to give you an alternative view, a close friend of mine recently suffered a bereavement and when we were chatting on the phone the other day she mentioned how she really resented some of her family insisting that they keep her company on days that she really wanted some time on her own. She didn't know how to tell them this wasn't what she needed. Grief is such a deeply personal thing and your friends are probably wanting to respect that. They're probably waiting for you to guide them as to how they can help as they won't want to upset you by getting it wrong. You're not pathetic at all, sometimes its really, really hard to ask for help when we most need it. Especially when your brain and heart are already exhausted from trying to process such an awful loss. However your friends can't help you unless they know how- as you've said, they're not mind readers! But I think @scaredsadandstuck's suggested wording for a text is perfect. If you can find it to send something similar (it can just be a sentence or two) I'm sure you'll find the support you need. Take care of yourself OP x

I would assume you need space right now.

Ask them to come round and bring cake 🍰

Did you reach out to your friends?

Yes I did it not long ago. A couple have covid which I didn’t know so have to wait. The others just said they are free next week and weekend. So i won’t be seeing anyone this weekend but to be fair I didn’t make it sound urgent or like I was really upset. I feel a bit better now DH is home from work. I just felt really lonely earlier. And I’ll be able to get through the weekend with him at home with me.

Hope you have a nice weekend with your DH.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

When I was in a similar position the last thing in the world I wanted was to see any of my friends. It took me months to be able to see anyone again.

So your friends may well be thinking that you want space and don't want to intrude. That's what I would think and I wouldn't even think of volunteering to come over.

Please please tell people what you want and then they can support you in the best way for you

Ask. Or get dh to ask them for you if you don't feel you can.

Thanks everyone, I do see it from the other perspective now

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please be honest with your friends and tell them how they can help. If I was in your situation I'd hate someone to come over and would want to be alone to process everything. If I was in their situation I'd tell you I'm there for you if you need me but would feel pretty helpless and never intrude or come round without you explicitly asking as it's such a delicate situation.

Everyone processes things differently so I don't think you should think less of them as friends. If you explain you could do with some company as you're having a hard time and they still don't make an effort to come round, that's the time to be upset with them.