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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to fly solo across the world with 2 kids and a toddler during a pandemic?

75 replies

HotelRoomforOne · 07/01/2022 05:47

Our flights from Australia to Europe are booked for April 2022. I am permanently leaving Australia to live in Europe with my children. My children are 2, 6 and 8.

I initially booked the flights when my partner and the father of my three children still lived with us.

He has since moved out and is involved in a serious relationship with a new partner. He has hurt me a lot and I don't talk to him other than texts about the children's comings and goings. We are not friendly, it's too raw at present.

My question is, should I ask that he travel with us, as originally planned, so that I have support on the air plane? The 26 hour flight will be no joke, especially with the very active two year old, and all the added tests and restrictions. The older kids have travelled long haul before, with me alone.

Just the thought of the trip is so exhausting and dread inducing. I know I can manage it alone, I am tough, and have made the trip many times before. But this time I feel it will be at huge physical and mental cost.

There are many things that could go wrong, positive tests in transit, delayed or cancelled flights etc.

At present ex partner plans to follow on behind us with his new partner, mid 2022. She has no children. It will be the two of them, together.

This trip was planned long before we broke up. I hate being around him, but do I need to get over that and request he travel with us? He would travel back to Australia again after a week or so to be with new partner and then would need to purchase another ticket to fly again with her mid 2022.

It's all a shit show, my tickets cannot be changed, they've already been rebooked three times. We absolutely have to leave in April. What should I do? Should I do it alone? Or insist he accompany? And thank you!

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 07/01/2022 06:59

Go for it! Can you speak to the older 2 and say you need them to help you with the toddler (thinking the responsibility may make them behave!)?
Picture yourself sat on the plane - waving goodbye to a shit dp’s nonsense for a while. The journey will be tiring and may not be fun, but you can definitely do it.

Original poster
HotelRoomforOne · 07/01/2022 07:00

@TeeBee wouldn't that be nice. Sounds like the plot of a pandemic era romcom. Name changes can't be made on Qutar tickets though. He either uses the ticket in April, or some other month.

He has already made it extremely difficult, threatening to not give permission for the children to travel until 2023, because his girlfriend wasn't ready to leave by then, and despite the fact that our trip is long planned and I have set up our housing for April 2022. If I take his ticket away he will take his permission for children to travel away. He is not a good person.

OP posts:
Signoramarella · 07/01/2022 07:00

Fuck they sounds tough. As a single mum with 2 boys we've spent 10 years on flights back forth to xxx to see their dad. I've cried at airport gates trying to fold the buggy alone with 2 tiddlers so I know what you are facing. Ask the airline fore departure assistance. Idiotically I never did this, it is free and will help you massively. Also arrival assistance. Give them calpol on the flight. I also did this. Get all your documents in order. HE you a solicitors agreement to remove them ? I had this. Now what you are doing is amazing! My new life started 2 years ago in uk. Never looked back! Good luck!

Mypathtriedtokillme · 07/01/2022 07:03

OP make sure he’s not going to then claim parental abduction so please make sure it’s in writing and you have sorted custody.
I hope he isn’t the sort the flag your children’s passports because they are Australian citizens and can be forcibly returned to Australia.

Otherwise take a billion snacks and random stuff like games, colouring in books, sticker books, small toys, lollipops for take off and landing.
If you can afford it some airports offer a concierge service (to help with bags/fast track through customs etc). It’s worth it’s wait in gold.

InTheLabyrinth · 07/01/2022 07:04

Are you coming back to family in Europe? If you can deal with the flight, hand the kids over to auntie/Grandma etc and collapse, just fly without him. If you will be in sole charge when you get here, it will be very tough, but I think I'd still be inclined to fly without him.
Not been through Doha during covid, but it's a great airport. It was our favoured transit hub as we used to change frequently in the ME.

Yourheartwillleadyouhome · 07/01/2022 07:05

Doha is a great airport to transit through, there's only one terminal and the layout makes it easy to find your way around.
A very kind lady gave me a doughnut there once because she saw that I was sad and tired!

Original poster
HotelRoomforOne · 07/01/2022 07:09

@Beseen22, you did amazing to get through a covid flight with a 3yo and 6w old! It is incredible what we (women, I've never, ever seen a man do anything like this!) are capable of, really. That is a good tip about walking the two year to the gate to tire, I will take that, and not have to deal with the folding bloody pram at security either! Thank you

OP posts:
LemonViolet · 07/01/2022 07:13

The idea of “hiring” a student/au pair to assist you on the journey with a free ticket to the U.K. is a fab one. I’d have jumped at that chance in my 20s.

If your ex-partner is Australian, surely his visa to come to the U.K. rests on his relationship with you and his children. That relationship has now fundamentally changed as you are no longer together, he’d have to apply as a parent with shared responsibility rather than a partner/spouse which I think is a more difficult visa to get. I know that’s not what you posted about but is that all in hand as well? I can just see a possibility of him not following later in the year at all.

SportsMother · 07/01/2022 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewhatsit · 07/01/2022 07:17

I would not want to do a whole day’s flight with my kids but I’m sure I would cope and so will you … I think it would be harder with him. You’d be in edge the whole time. If you are not coming-parenting yet in a friendly way I really don’t see how his presence would make it any better.
In fact, I love my DH dearly and he’s a good parent but sometimes it’s easier to do logistically difficult things myself just because then I do it my own way and because it it all goes a bit wrong I fix it and don’t need to feel embarrassed about my mistake etc

Kingstonmumof1 · 07/01/2022 07:19

Doha has great playgrounds in the transit area, no fences around them though so you do have to keep an eye. If I were you, I'd do it alone. I've done it with 2 young ones but never 3 and not during covid, but the flight staff were amazing.

Tomlettegregg · 07/01/2022 07:20

I know where you're coming from. My husband is Australian and I'm English so the fear of us breaking up and me not being able to get home without permission from him to take our child and convincing him to move is terrifying. Just because of that I'd leave April 2022 without him because the risk he changes his mind is too high. Yes the flight will be abysmal. Just take that as a given. It's only a day of your life and it's worth it to be rid of him. Do you have family and friends to support you at the other end?

rookiemere · 07/01/2022 07:22

Go without him. I transited through Doha in 2019, staff were very friendly as I was running late for my connection and they showed me where to go. Think how much better you'll feel once you've made the trip.

DobbleDobble · 07/01/2022 07:24

@HotelRoomforOne you wave goodbye to him at airport ( aswell as he says goodbye to the kids) and breathe your sigh of relief and start the new chapter in you and the kids life.After he’s done what he agreed to do.
If you have any doubts, which I feel you do, don’t let your pride take over.If you need his help , take it, don’t forget there’s some people wouldn’t drive a car to a destination 10 miles from home with 3 kids on own let alone 1000s of miles.To be really callous sounding, utilise him, they’re his children too, he doesn’t get to just dump them when he chooses.As for not getting on great with him, you have many years ahead facing each other with the children.You want to be fresh, not exhausted physically an mentally at the other end ready to start your life, then you get the distance between you.
Let us know how you get on and best of luck

Porridgeislife · 07/01/2022 07:29

Just reiterating what everyone else has said.

Make sure it is legally documented that he is happy for you to remove the children.

Lots can happen in six months (eg his relationship may end, girlfriend gets cold feet over moving overseas) and there is nothing to stop him claiming child abduction if he decides that his life is in Australia. Just because he was happy to do it when married will not be sufficient justification as the marriage has broke down.

Longdistance · 07/01/2022 07:38

You can do it!
I came back alone with dds to the Uk for a holiday when they were not quite 3 and 13mo. Your 8 and 6 year old can help each other.
It’ll be good to escape and leave him behind. I wonder if he’ll follow at all. New partner may change her mind when the reality of 3 kids hits. Tbh, he doesn’t sound bothered about the dc.

Gunpowder · 07/01/2022 07:44

Weirdly, travelling on your own with kids isn’t as bad as you think it will be. Whenever I’ve travelled with my four solo, people (both staff and other passengers) have bent over backwards to help us. BA once gave me an extra seat for free so the children could stretch out to sleep. You usually get pulled to the front of every queue too. I think going to the loo is the hardest part.

Good luck! I’m so pleased you can leave and start your new life. Flowers

Comedycook · 07/01/2022 07:51

If he was a really great supportive ex, then I'd say ask him.. however after what you've said about him saying he will take away permission for them to travel...I absolutely wouldn't rock the boat and ask him. I would fear he may use this against you to say you can't cope. I understand it sucks big time to think of him and his new woman enjoying their childfree flight...but I'd grit your teeth and get through it Flowers

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2022 07:54

I think you will be ok. I did a 12 hour trip involving 3 flights with the first leaving at 1am with kids aged 3,5 and 7 and it went really well. No disasters. Yes I was exhausted by the end but they were wonderful.

There’s a good chance that the plane will be very empty.
As well as screen time look at audio books so they can close their eyes and listen rather than just watch stuff. Music for your LO
Lollipops are entertaining for DC on long flights as well as easy to pack.

Take a pack of cards and some dice too. You’d be surprised at the games they can make up and it’s no big deal if you lose them.

JustLyra · 07/01/2022 07:57

I would go without him precisely because you might get delayed or quarantined on the way - the last thing you need is to be stuck with him.

I wouldn’t give him any power over your trip at all. In fact it’s probably in your interests to be nice to him about his date change - all in writing about you and the children travelling as planned on X date and you being pleased that the date can be changed to accommodate his needs on Y date.

marcopront · 07/01/2022 08:11

I've flown with my ex once it was a nightmare. Our flight was delayed and so we had a long layover in Amsterdam. He was useless.

As others have said it will be hard on your own but the stress of being with him will probably be harder.

To be fair to my ex he has matured into a decent human being and I would and have traveled with him now.

Original poster
HotelRoomforOne · 07/01/2022 08:18

@Rainbowqueeen, great to hear the experience of one adult with 3 young kids. I've done it alone 6 months pregnant with two, but never with all 3. Thanks for the tips.

To all have asked about permission etc. We have been over it again and again and has given verbal permission and agreement to my travelling with the children, which I have voice recorded and I will travel with his written signed agreement.
I am nervous about him doing something to sabotage our travel dates, right up until I'm on that plane I'll be worried, but for now I can only take him at his word and get him to sign the document closer to departure.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 07/01/2022 08:34

This is super daunting but you’ve got this.

The older two will be fine with screens you just need to concentrate on the 2 yo. Are you going straight to family- think this would be best so that you can just collapse when you get here and they can babysit while you recover

RoarySaury · 07/01/2022 09:13

Lots of women do the EU to Australia trip with children alone, it’s something you will need to get used so I wouldn’t ask.

Original poster
HotelRoomforOne · 07/01/2022 09:17

@RoarySaury yes, I myself have done the trip many times alone with one or two children, but not with three yet and not during a pandemic. As for getting used to it, once I get home this time I plan never to visit Australia again, and have no need to.

OP posts:
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