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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to cope with no sleep at all?

82 replies

Sleepdeprivedalready · 06/01/2022 23:51

Or at least no quality sleep, maybe a couple of snatched hours in the very early hours of the morning.

I have a child who won’t sleep. It’s destroying me and I’m so angry and resentful because of it. The weird thing is I’m fine in the day but then I go to bed and am not able to sleep or relax and it turns me into this tense ball of rage that feels like I hate my kid and my life.

Weirdly I then often can’t sleep on the rare opportunity that presents itself.

How do people cope?

OP posts:
NellieBertram · 07/01/2022 08:42

Would you consider sleep training?
A few nights of a crying baby obviously isn’t nice but it’s also not good for you both to be not sleeping well and you feeling angry/resentful.

Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 08:44

Ha - yeah! But it won’t work. Tried it all except CIO which I’m not sure about.

Believe me I’ve read the books but DS hasn’t.

OP posts:
NellieBertram · 07/01/2022 08:45

What kind of sleep training have you done so far and over what period?
What didn’t work so far?

BootySOS · 07/01/2022 08:54

I was nearly suicidal due to sleep deprivation. In fact I was suicidal.
I couldn't carry on.
My child did not sleep for longer than 2 hours in a row for months. I was on constant edge, angry and unhappy.

Moving in and out of her room, my bed, downstairs at night trying to settle. More feeds. Nappy changes. Anything to try and help settle. I eventually gave up and just let her cry and settle herself. It took 3 or 4 days of longish periods of crying. Then she somehow 'got it' and is a far happier child for being better rested at night, sleeps through, as do I. Unless she is poorly, then it breaks the routine a bit. It was short term pain for long term gain and I wish I did it far, far sooner. It was what she needed I think.

FreeFrenchHens · 07/01/2022 08:58

You need to think of sleep as a physiological process that your brain actually needs. It's like giving water to a dehydrated person.

Obviously I am not you but I really have been in a similar position. I think some of these reasons you are giving to reject people's ideas might be your brain rejecting them as a reflex, because it is so incredibly hard to change things when you are very sleep deprived.

You know the thing where babies get very overtired, and as it gets worse they fight sleep harder and harder even though you know it's just making it worse? That's not poor decision making, it's just what their brains do when they are severely underslept. Maybe ours are not that different Grin. I'm not saying it's your fault in least but it might be something to consider.

LadyPropane · 07/01/2022 08:58

@BootySOS

I was nearly suicidal due to sleep deprivation. In fact I was suicidal. I couldn't carry on. My child did not sleep for longer than 2 hours in a row for months. I was on constant edge, angry and unhappy.

Moving in and out of her room, my bed, downstairs at night trying to settle. More feeds. Nappy changes. Anything to try and help settle. I eventually gave up and just let her cry and settle herself. It took 3 or 4 days of longish periods of crying. Then she somehow 'got it' and is a far happier child for being better rested at night, sleeps through, as do I. Unless she is poorly, then it breaks the routine a bit. It was short term pain for long term gain and I wish I did it far, far sooner. It was what she needed I think.

My experience is pretty much the same as yours. I still kick myself for not doing it sooner. We are all happier for it.
Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 09:01

I’d rather not get into it @NellieBertram - it will just turn into “you-did-it-wrong / you-should-do-this” “try-this-sleep-consultant.”

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 09:04

You have to divide and conquer.

Get great earplugs. Don’t go and ‘help’ when it’s not your night and don’t let your partner come and ‘help’ when it’s your night.

It absolutely is possible to do this and sleep through if A) you are sleep deprived enough to be ruthless & train yourself to ignore your natural instincts to go to them and B) both parents are totally committed to not waking the other so minimise the disturbance however they can.

One full night on, one full night off, if shifts don’t work for you.

I’d hazard a guess you’re not actually working as a team on this?

UndertheCedartree · 07/01/2022 09:07

I would say you really need to prioritise your sleep because you can become very ill quite quickly if you don't.

I had only 2 hours a night for 3 months and I ended up having a mental break down. I mean that wasn't the only factor. But I remember the first night in hospital and they gave me some medication so I had a night's sleep and I felt so much better.

MamaTutu2 · 07/01/2022 09:09

@Sleepdeprivedalready I recommend them all the time but the calm and bright sleep support ladies on Instagram changed my life with their free advice. They do plans but also are happy to answer the odd message on Instagram. Their founder Eve crashed her car she was so sleep deprived with her first so completely understands how hard it is I felt!

Peppaismyrolemodel · 07/01/2022 09:14

@Sleepdeprivedalready

Or at least no quality sleep, maybe a couple of snatched hours in the very early hours of the morning.

I have a child who won’t sleep. It’s destroying me and I’m so angry and resentful because of it. The weird thing is I’m fine in the day but then I go to bed and am not able to sleep or relax and it turns me into this tense ball of rage that feels like I hate my kid and my life.

Weirdly I then often can’t sleep on the rare opportunity that presents itself.

How do people cope?

We found splitting night shifts just meant we were both v tired. Instead I did night shifts until the weekend Then went to a cheap travel lodge on a Friday night. Got a full night. Had a v long lay-in Sunday morning whilst DHat park, even if not sleeping- just laying in peace. Often found that I couldn’t sleep well on sun eve, but it dealt with ‘the fear’ I’d get before bed in the evenings, and meant I could function until we’d/thurs and then I’d look forward to the Friday night sleep again. Cheaper than a consultant 😅
Peppaismyrolemodel · 07/01/2022 09:15

Also my dh said Thankyou a lot and came home early if I asked

Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 10:15

Same @Peppaismyrolemodel re splitting nights makes us both tired but I really don’t think the travel lodge would work. DS can be really hideous sometimes.

OP posts:
busyeatingbiscuits · 07/01/2022 10:20

You can't cope with no sleep, not long term. It's just not healthy or sustainable for you or your baby.

If you have ruled out sleep training, co-sleeping, a night nanny, a sleep consultant, taking turns with your husband and sleeping elsewhere I'm not sure what options are left.

Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 10:26

Well exactly - it’s no sleep at all!

To be fair we have tried sleep training and night nannies / sleep consultants just aren’t in our budget and tbh I’m not sure a sleep consultant would make much difference. We do co sleep but the point is DS might sleep (with numerous wake ups) but whoever is with him doesn’t, or not very well or comfortably.

Split nights are fair enough if you’ve a baby who sleeps then wakes then sleeps then wakes but DS isn’t really like that.

I must admit I didn’t think it would be this horrible Sad

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 10:28

Have you tried alternating full nights off and on with your DH?

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 07/01/2022 10:29

Op if he’s old enough to stand up in your bed he’s old enough for you to put him in his bed say goodnight and leave him to cry for a bit. Go back in after 5 mins, then 10, then 15, etc, it’ll take a few nights and he will get used to it.

I know not everyone agrees with that method but you can’t exist on no sleep.

Oblomov22 · 07/01/2022 10:31

You say you've tried it all. What exactly have you tried. Because I suspect there are still lots of bits you haven't done, without resorting to CIO. Either way, you have to do something. Because what you have atm isn't working.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 10:34

If you alternate full nights (or at least do weekends off or whatever if your DH is working FT and you are not) you can deal with your ‘not being able to switch off’ or rage-stress insomnia by taking a sleeping tablet or dosing Night Nurse.

It’s not great long term but you have to sleep so you do what you need to get back into a place where you can think clearly and feel more optimistic about trying different options.

Oblomov22 · 07/01/2022 10:35

Does he have his own bedroom? That he likes? And plays in normally, toys, happily. Is his bed properly set up there. Is it inviting? Does he like it. Is it warm and cosy. Jumping into bed and having mummy read you a story before bedtime, is supposed to be nice.

How much is he sleeping in the day. What time is his last nap?

Oblomov22 · 07/01/2022 10:37

Or do you want to carry on co-sleeping.
Have you sold it to him? That he'll sleep in his own bed.

Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 11:26

@Oblomov22 this is why I don’t want to get into it tbh as people will insist that he’ll settle if you go in after 5, 10, 15 (he doesn’t) and gentle methods and even co sleeping just don’t work. It could well be something I did wrong but who knows. Just have to hope he grows out of it sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepdeprivedalready · 07/01/2022 11:27

Have I sold it to who sorry?

OP posts:
Worried456776 · 07/01/2022 11:33

I’ve been there ,what you need is someone to take over for a day or night and get some sleeping pills from the docter and just sleep, tell them abit your mental health and insist this is urgent and there’s no other way for you to sleep. You have got to the stage of severe sleep deprivation and your mental health will spiral downhill more if you don’t get sleep asap.

Worried456776 · 07/01/2022 11:35

Also are they having milk in the night if so cut that out x