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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it time to end the relationship?

38 replies

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/01/2022 22:30

Been with my DP a year and a half, he was 6 months out of his marriage when I met him, it was an amicable in his mind but a month into us dating she admitted she'd been having an affair and moved the new guy into the old family home. He has 2 DC I have 1 DD all similar ages (8-10)
DP has understandably struggled with being back at his parents while the 4 of them are at the house together. We took our relationship slow and were in a good place. He had some first steps help and I was supportive. We've never argued, he's got all the things I'm looking for in a partner but his mental health has declined. It was the same last Christmas so I was understanding as I know a lot of people struggle. But he's just not communicating with me. It's been 2 months with me texting saying 'how are you' to which I get a short reply. There's no affection, I was really worried about him and he asked for space so I was respectful and gave him that. We have mental health in the public awareness but I don't know what's to do for the best anymore.
It feels like it's gone on too long now, I kept asking him how he was whilst trying to give him space but replied back were short. We had one long chat on the phone (initiated by me because it had been 1 month by then) that was good. But I feel like I've been single for 2 months and it's still the same. I've been worried that if I force him to talk he'll say 'I rushed into the relationship, I'm not in a good place, it's not you it's me' the time for that was 1 year ago not now! But I need to respect myself because this feeling I've had is shit. He won't let me in, I'm in limbo, I guess it's time to force a conversation about where we are at. I don't want to make his mental health worse but I somehow need to tell him how I feel and have a difficult conversation

OP posts:
Annaghgloor · 06/01/2022 23:02

Hang on, OP — does he have a diagnosed MH condition or is he just feeling unhappy and bitter after the end of his marriage? And he’s living with his parents, and your only contact for two months now has been by text?

Honestly, this sounds dead in the water. And yes, as if it was far too soon after he split with his ex. I’m sorry, OP.

BlueDuckBlue · 06/01/2022 23:08

Sorry OP this sounds like it's over x

Has he messaged you or you've replied to his? I mean does he contact you first ?

Has he mentioned having MH issues ?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 06/01/2022 23:09

You’ve not heard from him in 2 months (other than you texted him and insisting on a conversation). I don’t think you need to force a conversation - there is no relationship and you don’t owe him anything. Time to move on, whatever that looks like for you - focus on your own happiness.

Confusednet · 06/01/2022 23:10

Sounds like it's already over, op.

Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/01/2022 23:15

I message he replies. But takes him ages and they are short replies. We were at the I love you stage after 6 months. In the summer he brought up future plans of us living together.

He has Autism, he had first steps through his doctors. About 6 sessions I think. CBT. Not sure if he's got a diagnosis or not.

Christmas was going to trigger him and didn't want to spoil mine by breaking up. So I've been avoiding it by checking in on him and giving him space.

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/01/2022 23:19

Both in our mid 30's. I've been divorced 8 years I've been round the dating apps.

I've purposely NOT dated guys straight out of relationship before for this reason. But at the time of chatting it was 6 months and 'amicable'

Sad 😢

I can be single no problem. It's the thought of trying AGAIN in the future, when what we had was really good until (literally) overnight it wasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/01/2022 23:25

Also don't want to be the one who's ending it when I should be supporting him.

Which I want to do but he won't let me or doesn't want me to

Don't want to let his depression 'win' or think I didn't help him in the right way.

It won't be an excuse for him wanting to fuck around or be single he's never been like that partly because of the autism. Feel like he'll be as sad as me but maybe it is best in the long run as it's not working for either of us. Even though it was before this

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/01/2022 23:27

I dont think there is anything there to end sorry.

Floundery · 06/01/2022 23:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Glitterandunicorns · 06/01/2022 23:51

I'm sorry OP. Agree with the others here that there's nothing there to end. The relationship is over. You said you want to be supportive but he clearly doesn't want to continue the relationship otherwise you'd be getting more than brief answers. Agree that the autism is perhaps not relevant here too, given that your communication has previously been much more regular and less one-sided.

Sorry, OP. I know it's rubbish feeling like you're in limbo and starting again.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 07/01/2022 10:32

Oh OP, as hard as it is, I don't think there is anything to end. You haven't seen him for 2 months by the sounds of things and he only texts you when you text him. Just block him, it's not your job to manage his mental health.

FlasherMcGruff · 07/01/2022 14:33

I’m afraid I agree with everyone else that the relationship seems to have run its course. It’s not two-way. No matter what the reasons are for it, his past relationship and other issues are preventing him from being any kind of committed partner to you. He barely speaks to you.

HaggisBurger · 07/01/2022 14:39

Yup - as others have said there is nothing really here to end. An initial bit of rushing by you both to create something (no judgment) to start with. But the reality is … he is not meeting your needs. At all. No affection, no communication, not seeing each other? Nope. Do bear in mind also that this may actually BE him … rather than him struggling etc. This avoidant behaviour may be why his wife had an affair.
Regardless, standing by someone with MH challenges, depression etc is something you do after a long established relationship where needs were met. Run. Don’t walk.

Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 07/01/2022 17:26

It hasn't been no contact we have messages and one long phone conversation. It's hard to know what is the depression as I thought we were in a really good place. Good communication before.
It always takes me a long time to feel I 'really' know someone. We've been together nearly a year and a half. I would like to think I would be understanding to a colleague/ friend/ partner anyone with MH issues. But agree that it seems like he doesn't want that. Looks like it's over then. Talking with him this weekend

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 07/01/2022 17:40

You haven’t seen him in 2 months? Sounds like it’s over tbh

SmallElephant · 07/01/2022 17:43

If you haven't seen him for 2 months and only had one proper conversation in that time you have no choice but to end it. Sorry OP.

Faevern · 07/01/2022 17:45

So he’s been separated almost 2 years, that’s not long when you consider that he thought it was amicable and then she basically moved someone in 7 months later.

Amicable can leave the door open for possible reconciliation or at least an honest relationship, even if you don’t think so at the time. Someone taking your place in your family home has a finality about it with the added knowledge of betrayal.

So really he’s only known the truth less than 18 month, that may well have knocked him more than he realised. Some people with autism take longer to process information. It’s quite possible he is struggling with that and in fact everything has actually moved too fast for him and he is overwhelmed.

You need to concentrate on yourself, any support you offer should not be detrimental to yourself, even if it means you need to walk away.

JeSuis · 07/01/2022 17:47

Sorry op, I agree with others. I wouldn't pursue this anymore Flowers

Tal45 · 07/01/2022 17:55

I don't think his ASD is a red herring. He may be feeling overwhelmed and need space at the moment and not realise the impact this is having on the OP as he can't put himself in her position. Unless she has told him otherwise he may well believe that she understands and is fine with the situation.

He might also really struggle to understand and so express/explain his feelings which may be why the OP feels shut out. OP you need to talk to him, I would tell him you're finding it hard to be in a relationship with someone you haven't seen for two months and suggest that perhaps he isn't ready for a relationship right now. Put the ball in his court and see how he responds to that. You'll be doing both of you a favour IMO.

DroopyClematis · 07/01/2022 17:55

But you're not in a relationship with him right now, are you?
Maybe he doesn't want to outright end it as he doesn't know how to.
Maybe he's trying to let you down gently.

I'd back away and carry on with your life. Stop texting him.

TheCloudsHavePassed · 07/01/2022 17:59

Agree with pp. It sounds like he's already moved on (mentally I mean not necessarily literally). Really sorry OP I think you're just losing out yourself now by holding on to something that's already gone.

Alicatz66 · 07/01/2022 18:02

I think you need to move on ... put yourself and your well-being first ...

heyitsthistle · 07/01/2022 18:06

I think you need to break away. This is not a good foundation for a relationship.

Scrabblecrabapple · 07/01/2022 18:06

Move on op. Stop texting him. The likely scenario is he is hoping you stop, he hasn’t got the balls to say he is not into you or he rushed into things before he really knew how he felt. So the favour you think you are doing him is not a favour at all.

It’s clear you are a lovely person who thinks of others before themselves. Start making yourself number one for a change. I would send him a ‘break up’ text just so it’s done, and you have closure. When I say break up I mean something like, ‘I don’t think we should remain in contact, I need to move forward with my life. I wish you all all the best…’ rather than I’m ending things. Owing to the fact I mirror others when they say there is no relationship, not even a distance one.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/01/2022 18:10

He doesn't want or need support. Just let it go.