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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it time to end the relationship?

38 replies

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 06/01/2022 22:30

Been with my DP a year and a half, he was 6 months out of his marriage when I met him, it was an amicable in his mind but a month into us dating she admitted she'd been having an affair and moved the new guy into the old family home. He has 2 DC I have 1 DD all similar ages (8-10)
DP has understandably struggled with being back at his parents while the 4 of them are at the house together. We took our relationship slow and were in a good place. He had some first steps help and I was supportive. We've never argued, he's got all the things I'm looking for in a partner but his mental health has declined. It was the same last Christmas so I was understanding as I know a lot of people struggle. But he's just not communicating with me. It's been 2 months with me texting saying 'how are you' to which I get a short reply. There's no affection, I was really worried about him and he asked for space so I was respectful and gave him that. We have mental health in the public awareness but I don't know what's to do for the best anymore.
It feels like it's gone on too long now, I kept asking him how he was whilst trying to give him space but replied back were short. We had one long chat on the phone (initiated by me because it had been 1 month by then) that was good. But I feel like I've been single for 2 months and it's still the same. I've been worried that if I force him to talk he'll say 'I rushed into the relationship, I'm not in a good place, it's not you it's me' the time for that was 1 year ago not now! But I need to respect myself because this feeling I've had is shit. He won't let me in, I'm in limbo, I guess it's time to force a conversation about where we are at. I don't want to make his mental health worse but I somehow need to tell him how I feel and have a difficult conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 07/01/2022 18:50

@Scrabblecrabapple

Move on op. Stop texting him. The likely scenario is he is hoping you stop, he hasn’t got the balls to say he is not into you or he rushed into things before he really knew how he felt. So the favour you think you are doing him is not a favour at all.

It’s clear you are a lovely person who thinks of others before themselves. Start making yourself number one for a change. I would send him a ‘break up’ text just so it’s done, and you have closure. When I say break up I mean something like, ‘I don’t think we should remain in contact, I need to move forward with my life. I wish you all all the best…’ rather than I’m ending things. Owing to the fact I mirror others when they say there is no relationship, not even a distance one.

I worry if I initiate it he could spiral more with depression.

I would hate for him to feel so low that he hurt himself

He's obviously not missing me that much but the depression and autism is real. That's why it's been 2 months!

Didn't want to end things around Christmas time (me or him initiating the split)

The last time we saw each other was at a bloody comedy gig. We had a great night.

2 days later he was supposed to stay at mine but cancelled because his kids were missing him, I said fine no prob. He said it had affected him and he was struggling and felt overwhelmed and like he wasn't coping with anything and needed to sort himself out. All fair enough. Then he had some weekend commitments so did I then Christmas etc.

It wasn't the right time to tell him he was being a non existent boyfriend. Which he knew anyway because he said a number of time 'I know this is hard on you and you don't deserve it' etc

OP posts:
RealBecca · 07/01/2022 18:54

Sorry OP, I generally think women spend far too much time excusing poor behaviour and calling it support.

He's not engaging and whether its MH or not, do you want to live an up and down life of going through highs and lows and not knowing where you stand? You're giving too much here x

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/01/2022 18:54

Sorry to say it sounds like there is no relationship to end. You haven’t seen each other for months and only a few half hearted texts

RealBecca · 07/01/2022 18:55

What were the weekend commitments? Something he had to do, like work, or recreational, which he found a way to out the effort in for?

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 07/01/2022 18:57

You really need to detach yourself from this and move on.

queenMab99 · 07/01/2022 19:07

Do you know if he had mental health problems or depression previously? Have you met his friends or family who would know, it could be why his previous relationship failed. It is just that I have known a situation like this, but it didn't become apparent until after they were married and had children, but no one mentioned it to his partner.

Glitterandunicorns · 07/01/2022 19:58

I'm not sure you're really taking all this on board, OP.

He's at no point given any indication he's going to hurt himself if you end the relationship, so I'm not sure why you're worried about that.

Even if he had, it's not your job to stay in a relationship in which you never hear from the other party because you're afraid someone else may feel bad/ spiral/ whatever.

You really need to put yourself first here. You're getting nothing positive out of the current situation. I really don't think he wants you to contact him. If he did, he'd be more forthcoming with his communication with you; mental health issues or not.

It sounds to me like he's trying to ghost you and you're not letting him! Walk away, OP.

Whysolong7 · 07/01/2022 20:05

I think based on what you’ve said it’s either over his end or his MH issues are more complex than first thought. Perhaps this is complicating his feelings about a relationship with you, either way I would give him the space he wants on a more permanent basis. You could lava ethe door open by saying something along the lines of - you’re obviously going through some things right now that make connecting with others hard at the moment. I’m going to step back and stop contacting you and go my own way for now but if things change for you in the future let me know.

Then I would do just that and go my on way and move on. I think it would also be worth being realistic yourself about what a future with someone who struggles with mH issues to this extent would be like if you were living together and perhaps carrying the weight of multiple childcare at the same time.

Original poster
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 07/01/2022 21:41

Yeah, I've been coming to terms with it but wanted to try everything first so I didn't blame myself. MH has clouded it but I've got to weigh it up without feeling responsible for him

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 07/01/2022 21:49

Relationships work until they don't. You've gone above and beyond, OP. You've nothing to feel badly about.

chaosrabbitland · 07/01/2022 21:53

it sounds like from when his ex moved another bloke in and now its all four of them living together , it must be hard as hes processing that shes basically replaced him with a new bloke she had the affair with

it must be very depressing for him . and if hes barely responding to even a simple text much i think it would be best for both you and him to not even text anymore , if i was in your shoes i think id just leave it alone , whatever thoughts hes struggling with hes not able or capable of sharing them so its not like you can help him anyway

gah2teenagers · 07/01/2022 22:44

There’s nothing to end. Just stop any communication now. You have nothing to blame yourself for. You sound lovely and caring.

billy1966 · 07/01/2022 23:28

Blame yourself?

OP, it is long over.

Please look at your boundaries that you would so relentlessly chase a man when itbis clearly over.

You need to treat yourself better.Flowers

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