A bolt from the blue…

[Mandy63l]

Like a bolt out of the blue, I received a letter today from my father, a man I’ve had no contact with whatsoever for close to 2 decades.

I’ll be totally honest, he was never a dad, and certainly never a good role model or father figure. I only ever lived with him briefly, for a few months as a very young adult, and always had quite a distant relationship - as a kid I’d visit in the school holidays, but that was all. He never contributed to my upbringing, whether financially or otherwise, and often vanished for considerable periods of time - sometimes to prison, others because he’d taken up with somebody else and was trying to model a new family for himself.

I’ve absolutely no idea what’s gone on in his life since we last had any contact, and I’m sure he doesn’t know a great deal about mine either - although he’s managed to track me down across the other side of the country, and I’ve cropped up once or twice in the media recently through my work, so he’s probably more to go on than I have.

To his credit, the letter comes across as quite sincere - there’s no attempt to make excuses, no self pity, just a “here’s where I am if you want to talk” kinda thing and an acknowledgement that I may not want to and if he doesn’t hear from me then he accepts that, which given the past is strangely endearing in its own way.

I really don’t know what to make of it - he’s not somebody I ever envisaged having contact with again after how things were left, but I guess 20 years is a very long time and I know I’m certainly a very, very different person to who I was back then. I don’t know whether to take hold of the olive branch and see what he has to say, whether to acknowledge the fact that he’s got in touch or whether to simply file it away (or even bin it?) and carry on as I was?

I know I need to take some time to gather my thoughts, but I also needed to share this with somebody, and given the backstory and the past this had to be with people who don’t know me, so forgive my rambling.

As to my AIBU, I guess -

AIBU to not follow this up?

AINBU to wonder, and maybe see what he has to say?

Impossible to vote because both are correct. You are right to not contact him but you are also right to contact him.

Would it be worth speaking to a counsellor before deciding to help you understand what you are hoping for in either scenario and how you would feel in a range of outcomes, some good, some bad?

I would wonder what he wanted. If he's been to prison more than once I wouldn't be interested and would really be questioning his motives.

What's his motivation after all this time I wonder? Is it possible that he's seen that you are doing well (in the paper) and it's related to that. I think I would get in touch with him but I would be very cautious.

Throw the letter away and see how you feel then? If you don't feel " right" then you can always get in contact. Any ideas of why he was in prison?

Wow, thanks for the quick replies and for giving me a sounding board whilst I try to gather my thoughts.

To answer a couple of questions, he was in and out of prison throughout my childhood, mostly for petty crimes although he did serve a longer stretch for a violent offence. I didn’t know about this at the time as I was a young child, it only came to light years later. I hold my hands up, I very nearly went down the same path, and it’s taken years for me to turn my life around to where I am today.

On that note, whilst I’ve cropped up in the media through my work, and I have become successful in the sense that I’ve built a life I’m content with, and I feel satisfaction in what I do and how I contribute to society,I’ve certainly not been successful in terms of accumulating wealth or becoming famous - so if he’s hoping for money then it’ll give me a good laugh, haha!

I really don’t know what I hope the outcome would be in either scenario. I guess, after 20 years, I just never thought this situation would ever crop up.

I think this isn’t a decision you can come to straight away. Put the letter away and give yourself at least a week to just mull it over. See how you feel when that shock has gone.

I an Nc with my father and to be honest there was so much done and said between us that even with a letter of apology I don’t think I ever want to see him again. I’m not even angry anymore, just very much done with the relationship. the issue for you is, are you “done” with him or are there still unanswered questions or needs for you to have closure with your relationship?

A PP who said throw the letter away was right. If it feels like a weight gone then stay no contact, if it feels like the wrong thing to do then have some contact.
I've done similar with things that crop up but I use a coin
So heads I stay where I am, tails I move across the world.
Toss the coin, whatever it lands on doesn't matter, it's how I feel about the answer.

You could always write back, in your own time, and say thanks for the letter and you’ll be in touch if and when it feels right. I can imagine myself feeling more at peace with that than just leaving it hanging, but still leaves the ball in your court so you don’t feel you are hanging waiting for his response. It leaves the ‘power’ with you, and I somehow imagine as a child you must have felt pretty powerless. There’s no right and wrong, this is just one option. Good luck

Be very, very careful. Your father's past is a massive red flag, and I would be very dubious about his intentions. He may be after money. It's nice to think that someone has changed, but that rarely ever happens.

I am 50 and haven't seen df for about half my life. And in and out with no financial support as a dc. If I got such a letter I would be binning it.
Without a single regret..

@Aquamarine1029

Be very, very careful. Your father's past is a massive red flag, and I would be very dubious about his intentions. He may be after money. It's nice to think that someone has changed, but that rarely ever happens.

This

I would also suggest seeing a professional to talk through your thoughts - may be helpful

You don't need to rush. Personally I have not been in this situation although from a different perspective I have adopted a child whose biological father and mother have this "baggage" (sorry not meaning to offend but I can't think how to phrase it right now) and I would probably want to meet them at some point on neutral ground just so I could see them face to face and meet them - we were not able to meet them prior to adoption as it was not allowed .

If my DS was in a similar position it would be his choice as to how he wanted to see them or not and I would fully support him in whatever decision he made

I guess did he it would be diverging I would do if I had the opportunity rathe than perhaps at a later point finding out that it wasn't possible due to I'll health etc

As someone who has a very similar father (who I'm also nc with, and will always be), I'd be worried he's after money.

It doesn’t have to be a yes or no question. You can write back saying you’re happy to exchange letters every three months and take it from there. After a year you can reassess how much contact you want and increase or decrease it accordingly.

I managed to meet up with, and spend time, getting to know my dad before he died and we became friends. He was never really a "dad" but I'm glad I did...for me. Only you know if you can do that or not, or if you want to. And it's fine if you don't, my brother didn't and also has zero regrets.

Thanks again everybody.

I guess the cynic in me does assume that he’s after something, yes likely money. If he is, then good luck to him and perhaps he can let me know when he finds some, because I’m certainly not sat on any, haha!

@Royalbloo I’m glad you got to spend that time together. I guess in the back of my mind that’s my worry, my what-if - chances are he’s got another 30+ years as there’s no suggestion he’s reaching out because of illness or anything like that, but would I regret not at least speaking to him if it turned out to be the last opportunity to do so? I really don’t know.

I think I’m fairly confident in the fact I wouldn’t want a day to day relationship with him, I don’t think I’m looking for that father/daughter kinda thing as it’s never been there before and I don’t think I miss what I’ve never had, but I wonder whether the unanswered question will nag at me forevermore if I don’t at least reply and acknowledge the passage of time?

I’m definitely not rushing into anything either way, much time will be taken to decide what’s right for me - not him - but what that will be I haven’t the foggiest!

You’re not unreasonable either way. As you say a lot can change in 20yrs, why not take things slowly and see where it takes you

You could do both.

I would not supply any details about your life and circumstances . Reply very briefly and impersonal , something like

" this is a bolt from the blue, I am not sure if I want to meet or have a conversation and am going to take some time to think that over.
But meantime I am wondering and a little concerned what drove you to get in touch after 20 years?"

That leaves the ball in his court; he may give you more details, they may help clarify your thoughts about a relationship. Or he may just sink back out of sight and you can leave him there.

I have a perpetually absent father who has contributed nothing to my life whatsoever. I would not bother to reply as I am quite sure he has nothing to say. Its nice to imagine a great new relationship with him but quite honestly people never change.

I think theres more chance of pain & deception than anything positive coming of pursuing any further contact.
Has he filled you in on his life, marriages, other dc, situation.?
He's provably alone & broke & looking for financial help.
Or looking for salvation

I'd be concerned that he is after something. Maybe he needs care, somewhere to stay etc. Even, if it is merely curiosity, I would feel like someone as absent and uninvolved in your upbringing does not deserve that. I'd bin the letter, as it is more likely to cause you grief.

I would be to curious not to contact him, but I would keep in mind a few things

1. If he wants anything from me, eg money, a place to stay, a carer
2. Is it possible he has since had a family and pulled his life together and is thinking what if
3. He is dying and wants to make amends

I would wonder how I would feel in each of those circumstances and think whether it is worth the emotions I could go through compared to not replying.

As well as wondering if he's after something, my next thought is that he could be ill.

If this were me , I would weigh up whether I want to stay as I am , happy and in a good place or contact him and risk it having an adverse affect on me.

For what it's worth, I confirmed that he was a crap dad, which I knew all along. But we did have a laugh and we did make friends. No more and no less. It wasn't a really deep emotional bond but I wasn't expecting (and didn't want) that.

Say you sit on it for a month. During which time he died.

How would you feel? Relieved? Sad? Curious? Would you wish you had phoned him to to see if he was what you thought? Does that help you work out your feelings any?

There are two sides to every story. I’d be curious to hear his. And yes if he was just after my money I’d be really upset. But I’d want to know.

But absolutely fine if you’re not up to it because of everything that happened.

All I’m saying is don’t leave it too long and then regret it. There by the grace of god go we all. Who knows when we will get hit by a bus or die if covid or whatever.

I’m a cheery bastard arent I

Well, I’ve popped the letter back in its envelope, and tucked it out of the way for a while. Then I’ve poured myself a generous glass of wine (yep, on a school night!) and I’m going to go and soak in the bath and chill. It’s taken him 20 years to get in touch, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to stress over deciding what to do about it.

If it is something majorly urgent to do with health or whatever they he knows were I am and I’m sure the can get in touch again with a bit more detail so I can make an informed decision about getting back to him. And if it’s not urgent…well, so long as I make a decision by, say, 2040 then I’m still a couple of years ahead of him. ;)

Cheers ladies, thanks for the much needed sounding board.