if I expected family xmas party not to be a soul destroying death trap?

[boHOHOhemianbint]

Hmmmm, sorry, I'm a bit riled about this one and need to get it off my chest.

Went to pre-xmas family do at my mum and dad's yesterday with my dad's side of the family who we don't see at Christmas otherwise.

DS is 16 months. At the start of the party everyone was sat in the living room and my great aunty got up to go outside for a cigarette. My mum starting saying "It's alright, smoke here, it's ok, Aunty X always smokes in here" etc etc. Fortuntely my Aunty insisted on going to smoke outside but why on earth would my mum insist that she smoke in the same room as a baby?! If she had then I would have had to have taken him elsewhere for about half an hour until the smoke cleared (she smokes seriously hardcore fags, my aunty!)

Bar a tiny bit at the beginning when DP helped, I spent the whole party running around trying to make sure that DS didn't touch the candles in the fireplace/eat washing powder/generally do himself a mischief. I got literally 4 minutes off a couple of hours in to get a bit of food before I was back on duty again. But here's the bits that really did my head in:

1. At one point I came around the corner to discover DP and my uncle standing there eating whilst DS is on the floor trying to put his fingers into the plug socket. I ran over and switched it off but was carrying drinks so I had to try and do a one-handed swoop to pick him up, as Uncle just stands there and DP keeps saying "no" ineffectually.

2. I was getting really annoyed about 3 hours in and told DP I would like the chance to sit down and have a drink. He goes out of the room with DS and comes back 2 minutes later without him. The next thing I know DS is halfway up the stairs by himself, totally unnattended. DP got really angry as he assumed someone else was looking after him, but I got angry with DP because he was supposed to be looking after him; surely if he was going to leave DS in a room with now very pissed people he should have made sure one of them was aware they should be watching him?

I'm just so fed up about it - I didn't get any time to talk to anyone, hardly got any food despite having spent 3 hours in the morning making things for it, and spent an hour sat by myself in the hallway trying to feed DS whilst everyone else had a great time. Is it unreasonable to expect other people to even help out for 10 minutes so that we could have a drink or 10 minutes to talk to people? I'm 5 weeks pregnant and nearly had 2 heart attacks during the party with DS getting into real danger. Is it unreasonable to expect some allowances to be made for a very young child, rather than just making us feel excluded?

The way I feel now I don't want to take him to anymore parties until he's older, although by then I'll have another tiny baby. I feel like if I say anything family just think I'm being mard - I'm the first person to have a baby out of all my siblings/cousins so they don't understand and think I'm just uptight but surely my parents/older relatives should get it?

Am I BU?

No Y A N B U . DP should have helped more but you can't change his family, they are obv not interested in helping with the toddler and you'll have to remember that before you attend any more gatherings!

Cheers - but it was my family! How bad is that?!

Not unreasonable no, your mum/aunties/dp should have helped you more.

It reminds me of when DS1 was 12 months old and we had a big family gathering at the beach. First my dad organised a sand castle building competition, so I had to spend my time distracting DS1 from the sandcastles.

Then there was a rounder match, I explained that I had to look after DS1 but was put on a team anyway with the understanding that Gran (75 - perched on a rock) and the team batting would keep an eye ln him. Had to stop clattering off the rocks and crawling into the sea.

YANBU

Oh! Your family - you should have spoken up then maybe and actually asked for some help - people without toddlers don't realise how relentless taking care of them is, especially in a different house with no safety measures!

I was at a Chrismas party for the children of staff at work and I was so relieved that mine were 8 and 6 - I spent most fo the time retrieving toddlers off the lethal marble stairs! Although in this case the bloody parents should have been paying closer attention. People do have different ideas of safety but watching a two year old fall in slow motion head first down marble stairs was too much for my heart to take.

Hmm - it's been a while but I do remember these ones. I think that you need to say to your DH that as you've been 'on duty' for this party, the next gathering like this will be his turn. It's difficult and especially so when your family don't show willing either. However - your DH should have piled in and let you have some time to eat at least - most unfair of him. Up to you as to whether you talk to him about it now after the event, although I would be tempted.

Thanks for the replies, I was wondering if I was being mard or precious or something but I'm still so annoyed that I needed to come and offload on here and get some perspective.

How can I deal with it though? Just avoid such things for a few years? And like the smoking thing, it's not my house so I can't kick up a massive fuss, but what do I do when my mum is so keen to let everyone smoke? I know she's just trying to be hospitable (they're both huge anti-smokers) but by doing so they're pushing me and DS out. How do I handle that?!

I think you'll have to address the smoking thing - just say that as people don't mind smoking outside could she actually let them get on with it otherwise you won't be able to be there with the children.

No - not unreasonable at all. I think the first baby-parents in the family IYSWIM often have to go through this as friends and family are often spectacularly ignorant of or forget what is involved. Put foot down about smoking - tell them you will not come if people are smoking in the house (politely of course...!)... Then as someone else said do a deal with your other half before you get there. After numerous rows, we agreed to be on 'full scanning' duty for an hour in turn etc...

I have to say I wouldn't usually trust others to look after a littly baby (2 and under) at a party unless I really thought they knew what they were doing - adults are too easily distractible in those circs. I've even found my mum looking abstractly at her glass of wine, going 'I knew I came in here for something...' while one of my toddlers is drinking the water out of the toilet etc..

I think you need to deal with it by telling people what you will and won't accept. Mainly, you've got to make it clear to your DP that at things like this, it's shift parenting that's needed. He was being lazy and ineffectual as a parent and he needs to know that you won't accept that; at events like this DH and I would definitely have taken it in shifts; first he or I would sit to eat drink and chat and then the other one would; it's common courtesy! And I think you really need to say to your DP that at things like this, if he goes off with the baby then it is his responsibility to look after him. Other people haven't gone to a party to look after a toddler, no matter how polite they are.

With the smoking, again you need to tell your family that you don't want people smoking around your baby. You're not being unreasonable. Tell her that cot death is much increased when babies have been smoked around - she is a loving grandmother, she will know that your baby's life is more important than allowing someone to smoke in her house.

But I do think you have to speak up assertively otherwise your mum and DP won't even know how unacceptable they've been. Good luck!

The only person you can expect to look after your child is you or your DP .. and I think HE needs a stern talking to .. what a wassock!

I think you are unreasonable to expect any other family member to 'look after' your child at a party .. it is not their job .. it is their job to look at them for a couple of minutes and exclaim at how cute they are .. maybe play with them for a bit .. but look after them? nope .. that's the parents job

of course you may well have the kind of family who pitches in and does look after, if you do .. you're bloody lucky, I don't know anybody in RL who has this .. although some people on here say they have

just remember .. your children .. your responsibility

and kick DH up the arse

The only person you can expect to look after your child is you or your DP .. and I think HE needs a stern talking to .. what a wassock!

I think you are unreasonable to expect any other family member to 'look after' your child at a party .. it is not their job .. it is their job to look at them for a couple of minutes and exclaim at how cute they are .. maybe play with them for a bit .. but look after them? nope .. that's the parents job

of course you may well have the kind of family who pitches in and does look after, if you do .. you're bloody lucky, I don't know anybody in RL who has this .. although some people on here say they have

just remember .. your children .. your responsibility

and kick DH up the arse

Thanks everyone. Have just spoken to DP about it and he admits that he was a shit. I'm just still so angry because he knows I had been up since 5am and worked my arse off making food so in what world is it ok for him to admit that he did just let me half 4 minutes to get practically nothing to eat? Especially when am pregnant and hadn't eaten all day, or stopped running around after DS?

I will have to talk to my mum. It's going to be a nightmare. We're supposed to be going on Christmas Day and probablt NY Eve as well so it needs sorting or we won't be going.

Cheers Magrat - I have just been explaining to DP that if he is "on duty" then it is his duty to make sure that DS doesn't electrocute himself, not some random uncle. And I don't think he'll be abandoning our son to a room full of pissed people again if he knows what's good for him.

This is why I didn't go anywhere like this when dd was small. I knew (because I'd had ds before her) that generally it's a pita. But I think your dp was completely out of order and a lazy swine who really should have done at least half the looking after to let you get a break and to allow you to talk to your family.

Other tips:

go round the room moving things when you get there if you can (i.e. it's family who won't mind you moving candles/glasses from low table etc)
Take toys and distraction with you
Remember old people don't remember what it's like
For me, my ds was hard work at this age whereas dd wasn't - she'd sit and play with a dolly so you may get a different experience with next child. If you have a next one with this man! He needs a talking to imo, it's not YOUR JOB to look after your child, it's a joint responsibility.

I remember one family occasion where I spent most of the time in the car park of a very family unfriendly pub while everyone else chatted, very annoying indeed, I know.

my mother, when we went to stay with her last year over christmas, had a go at me for moving her collection of fragile cups and saucers from windowsills and radiators

supposedly my 2.5 year old should learn that 'no means no' and that they weren't an invitation to play

when challenged, all of us knew not to touch things at 2

they really really do forget

Thanks WWW! Ha - next bun with this man is already in the oven! I just ended up crying in front of him whilst I was trying to explain, because I feel so hurt and let down. I think he feels sufficiently shit now!

DS is very wriggly and always on the go and into everything, so it is much harder, maybe as you say the next one will be a bit more chilled! He was very good though considering, it must have been boring for him.

Omg, you're PREGNANT?! That's even worse but hey, if he's apologised then fair enough. (no offence meant re next one btw, hope none taken )

Lol, none taken! But yes, that's why I'm so annoyed, because he knew I was running myself ragged and hadn't had time to eat or sit down or anything.

He has now taken DS out so I have the morning to myself at least.

Ta Hatrick. Aye, am seriously considering swerving all similar events for a while.

i normally have this problem with my DH...he thinks that if the child is stood next to someone else then they will keep an eye on him...dd barely leaves my arms still in this sort of environment....but if its a party with my family my parents are very good at watching the kids for us so we can mingle....

we have a joint 50th bday and 50th wedding party and of jan for DH's grandparents and aunty....kids have been invited too (as we barely see them living 200miles away) aunty has booked us into a hotel with DH's mum & step-dad next door, but i am still so worried that i'm not going to get to do a thing, dd will be 21 mths by then and may want to go off on her own, ds is just 3...but at the same time i know they are pretty well behaved, (or they normally are) we have a buggy for them to sit in for if they get tired...hoping we can take a travel cot and put it in the corner of the room so they can go in there if need be but not sure yet!!

i know exactly how you feel though with the men though...and i feel for you- i am the sort of person who will keep my mouth closed until its too late and then i'm stressing and crying and he's just saying 'all you needed to do is ask'...then i always come back with 'i shouldn't need to ask, you should see me running myself ragged and help off your own back- they're your kids too'......get your DP told love and learn how to speak up....xxx

Boh you poor love. I am past that stage now. I used to feel the same as you. Every function we went to DH would chat to his hearts content and I used to make sure the children didn't stick their fingers in sockets, eat cat food or fling themselves in the fish pond.

Gawd, the rows we used to have on the way home from these places. Men just switch off don't they? Actually DH did get a bit better.

what a wretched time. But sadly, not uncommon. Every single gathering we went to for the first 4 years was like this. Including one time when i was reduced to playing with toddler in the freezing hallway as it was the only space not filled with delicate ornaments, huge dogs, smoking adults or a blazing open fire...

You can get your revenge in a couple of years' time when dh will spend every social ocassion having to give ds piggyback rides or kicking a ball about!

i don't think you should expect other people to watch your child. they are at a party and presumably want to enjoy it.

i don't think you should go round moving things without asking. best thing to do would be say oh do you mind if i move this so ds can't get it - i don't want it to get broken.

your dh was in the wrong. he shouldn't leave ds in a room with other people and just expect them to look after him without actually asking them to watch him.