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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be the sous chef?

41 replies

Paq · 05/01/2022 17:46

When I cook dinner, I cook dinner and my family (DH, DD14) eat it. If DH offers to help I either decline or he does small jobs, chopping, fetching stuff etc.

When DH cooks I am appointed sous chef. Fetch this, measure that, stir this, chop that. Or I'm the dinner consultant: is this cooked enough? Does that have enough pepper? How much rice do we need?

I want to not be involved in cooking when it's not my turn to cook (we share it about 50/50).

For context I am grumpy 5 days into dry January. I WFH full time so I walk straight from work into the kitchen with no "decompress" time. DH is retired.

OP posts:
user1471442488 · 05/01/2022 17:48

Not unreasonable at all. Don’t see why you can’t just say no though?

oldwhyno · 05/01/2022 17:50

I'd just make myself scare when he cooks.

Also grumpy for the same reason, but only 4 days in.

BerthaBlythe · 05/01/2022 17:50

YANBU

TheOccupier · 05/01/2022 17:52

YANBU. Make a new year's resolution to go out for a pre-dinner walk/jog/gym visit when it's DH's turn to cook.

Duchess379 · 05/01/2022 18:01

When he starts cooking, go have a bath! I was going to say 'with a glass of wine' but that's probably not appropriate for Dry January 😆

RandomMess · 05/01/2022 18:04

Why do you cook 50:50 when he is retired and you work FT??

I agree go for a bath or read a book or chill on your bed.

Original poster
Paq · 05/01/2022 18:19

I used to walk the dog but he's too old now and doesn't want to go out.

Tonight (fajitas) he asked me:

  • how much rice?
  • where is the rice? (Then started cooking risotto rice)
  • do I heat the salsa? (And then heated the guacamole as well)

And he forgot the cheese.

Physically leaving the house for 20 mins seems to be the only way to avoid being dragged into fajita-gate.

In fairness fajitas are not his strong suit. He can cook a shepherd's pie or a roast in his sleep. Still finds things for me to do though.

OP posts:
zigzag56445 · 05/01/2022 21:09

Mines the same. Doesn't matter if I've worked 10 hours solid in the mines, if he makes dinner I will always be asked to do something, if he even gets a hint I'm not busy with something else. So, when he cooks, I disappear.

Saracen · 05/01/2022 23:28

If there's no other good retreat, have a bath while he's cooking. He'll figure it out.

HiJenny35 · 05/01/2022 23:39

You told him to heat the salsa?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/01/2022 23:42

Yep, I agree, make yourself scarce. Sort washing, sort through old clothes for the charity bag, have a (long) poo Grin, do some online banking or catch up with whatsapping family/friends about "important things" etc etc.

LittleOwl153 · 05/01/2022 23:50

I get similar. Mine rarely cooks as I can't be bothered with it all. It is worse than when dd (12-SEN) cooks something for the first time!

AbandonedCharacter · 05/01/2022 23:54

Pretend to phone a family member - someone frail or elderly? - for a catch up before dinner. Take yourself upstairs and relax.

KateyKontent · 06/01/2022 00:25

We had a conversation that the whole task from is conception to execution to completion. Whomever decides what's for dinner and fixes it, the other clears up.

I need not to have any responsibility for 3/4 meals a week.

oldwhyno · 06/01/2022 11:21

@Paq

I used to walk the dog but he's too old now and doesn't want to go out.

Tonight (fajitas) he asked me:

  • how much rice?
  • where is the rice? (Then started cooking risotto rice)
  • do I heat the salsa? (And then heated the guacamole as well)

And he forgot the cheese.

Physically leaving the house for 20 mins seems to be the only way to avoid being dragged into fajita-gate.

In fairness fajitas are not his strong suit. He can cook a shepherd's pie or a roast in his sleep. Still finds things for me to do though.

just tell him to "google it". Everytime.

He'll get the message eventually.

Sunsetsupernova · 06/01/2022 11:25

This is why I do all the cooking in our house and DP has been allocated alternative jobs.
He is very enthusiastic about cooking and wants to be involved but I’m sick of him suggesting he will cook but then constantly needing my help and advice. I want to relax on the sofa if he’s cooking dinner, not having to be stationed in the kitchen to check whether his potatoes are cooked yet!

rookiemere · 06/01/2022 11:31

Tell him to ask DD for any help he needs.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/01/2022 11:33

walk in to the kitchen, make yourself a cup of tea and walk straight out again!

  • Or tell H that it he is cooking, get on with it, you don't expect him to assist when you're preparing a meal. If he is retired, he can do some of the prep earlier in the day?

Could it be that he is lonely in retirement and sees cooking as something you can "enjoy" together?

Doomscrolling · 06/01/2022 11:34

I pop into the other room with a book when that happens.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/01/2022 11:35

A community centre near me has a cookery school and runs low cost classes - anything like that near you?

ponkydonkey · 06/01/2022 11:37

My partner used to do this with any task!

Change nappies
Can you pass me the Matt or the nappy?

Cooking
Where's the rice
How much seasoning

ANY TASK

Anyway I quietly explained to him how irritating it was and that a 35 yr old man has eyes a brain and hands to help himself

He still does it now 10 years later but I just ignore him or say

"It's where you left it"
"use your eyes"

trumpisagit · 06/01/2022 11:38

My DH does that too. Earlier in the week he said "but you haven't chopped the garlic" like it was a given that I would.
I point out repeatedly that when I cook dinner I do everything, but he can't understand why I don't want to "help".

Isonthecase · 06/01/2022 11:39

"I don't know, have you googled it?"

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 06/01/2022 11:45

Mines like this as well. So, to be honest I like cooking so I do that and he does all the clearing up afterwards!

Hillarious · 06/01/2022 11:50

Buy him a new cook book and buy yourself some DRY white wine.

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