To not want to be the sous chef?

[Paq]

When I cook dinner, I cook dinner and my family (DH, DD14) eat it. If DH offers to help I either decline or he does small jobs, chopping, fetching stuff etc.

When DH cooks I am appointed sous chef. Fetch this, measure that, stir this, chop that. Or I'm the dinner consultant: is this cooked enough? Does that have enough pepper? How much rice do we need?

I want to not be involved in cooking when it's not my turn to cook (we share it about 50/50).

For context I am grumpy 5 days into dry January. I WFH full time so I walk straight from work into the kitchen with no "decompress" time. DH is retired.

This is why I hate going to SIL and BIL's house. Admittedly, they almost never invite us for a meal because they are just crap at that kind of thing, but if they do, they then constantly ask me constantly. I wouldn't mind if I was given a specific task or asked to do something but it drives me mad that there's this constant request for my help/guidance. I know it comes from insecurity because they aren't great or regular cooks but it drives me mad.

I landed up cooking Christmas dinner. At their house. I didn't really mind but it was a bit irritating that I was in the kitchen rushing around while the two of them were having a lovely time entertaining.

My DH does this if I’m in the same room with him while he cooks so I make a point of going into a different room and if he calls me in I’ll say I’m doing something. I did point out to him that when I cook he clears up but when he cooks I both help to cook and clear up and it wasn’t very fair

Not unreasonable at all!

If you absented yourself, what would happen? Not enough rice or pepper or cheese by the sound of it. Would he learn from his mistakes or is he intentionally mildly incompetent at cooking?

My DH is very similar I'm afraid. Also he will offer to 'help' by chopping stuff but only if I get the veg out of the fridge and literally pick out the potatoes from the bag under the bench where the chopping is done. As I have mobility problems and bending is an issue, it kind of negates the 'help' provided!

And if he cooks I still have to get stuff out and yes, measure the rice!

Assuming he’s allowed to choose what he cooks then I think it’s completely reasonable to say that when he’s cooking that task covers the whole thing, including thinking what to make, buying/checking you have ingredients and actually doing the preparing and cooking. Any halfway competent adult can cook fajitas and look in a cupboard for rice, and if he can’t he can google or take lessons.

Everything in our house is either I do it or we do it but it's never he does it. I plan/research/organise things independently and when I'm not responsible for it, I don't want to be involved- it drives me insane!

@Paq

I used to walk the dog but he's too old now and doesn't want to go out.

Tonight (fajitas) he asked me:

• how much rice?
• where is the rice? (Then started cooking risotto rice)
• do I heat the salsa? (And then heated the guacamole as well)

And he forgot the cheese.

Physically leaving the house for 20 mins seems to be the only way to avoid being dragged into fajita-gate.

In fairness fajitas are not his strong suit. He can cook a shepherd's pie or a roast in his sleep. Still finds things for me to do though.

You need to 'physically leave the house' because you are unable to simply say to your husband, 'No. YOU are cooking, not me, I've been at work all day, you are retired, this is YOUR contribution to our joint lives and if you cannot adult to this degree and cope with cooking simple meals without someone holding your hand, then I am going to end up with zero respect for you.' ??

@Hillarious

Buy him a new cook book and buy yourself some DRY white wine.

Love this.

One of my colleagues said men are all like surgeons.
Despite what it says in ‘Advice for Brides’ published 1913: ‘Do not allow your husband to shirk his duty of carving. You have too many other things to do’ I have pretty much given up. It’s all ‘where’s the chicken, I need a plate, I need a carving knife, I need a fork, I need scissors….’
Yes, just make yourself scarce till it’s ready.

My ex used to do this...I cooked and cleaned up after all meals midweek single handed as he worked late. At the weekend he would take over, by choice, and do some "performance cooking" of an elaborate meal which required him to use every dish, pan and utensil in the kitchen. Not to mention a trip to the shops for something he needed specifically despite the house being full of food. He would then expect me to be sous chef, prepare the kids tea ( as what he was making was too fancy, and would be served too late, for them), and clean up afterwards as he'd cooked! He never put so much as a spice jar back in the rack as he went...

Often he'd done similar at lunchtime and if the dishwasher had been on he wouldn't think to empty it before he started so there was a lot of "where's such and such" and all the mess he made just got piled on surfaces.

To be fair, the food he produced was amazing, but on balance I don't miss the palaver at all now we're divorced...we eat more simply, the kids are older and pitch in, and there is never anything like the level of mess,

Mine does this too, usually stuff that by the time he has asked me he could have done it himself!

I got my husband a dinner cookbook from America test kitchen that shows pictures of each step of cooking, the meals are all really straightforward too. He doesn't have to ask any questions because the examples are right there in the book!

My husband signed us up for Gousto and THAT taught him how to cook

Surely you just take yourself away elsewhere and don’t pander to it? I’d go sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

My husband does this. If he asks me to put something back in the fridge for him one more time it may lead to divorce......

My husband does this too, either asking myself or our daughter (a fantastic cook herself). We've both started to point it out to him, when we cook we don't ask people to constantly assist, we might cook together sometimes but both cook independently. Drives us mad.

Go upstairs and have lie down with your tablet and let him get on with it!

If he tries to speak to you, feign sleep.