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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel embarrassed?

80 replies

user76098323 · 05/01/2022 16:42

I work in a fairly large department of around 20 people. I get on well with my colleagues but the department has a high turnover of staff. In the last month 3 people have left and 2 are leaving in the next month.
One of my colleagues has taken it upon herself to organise collections, she arranged one just before Christmas for a colleague that was leaving and I explained I couldn't afford to put into the collection. Everyone puts between £3-£5 in.
So this week she has been arranging another collection for a colleague who is leaving this week. I heard her saying to another colleague I won't bother asking user76098323 she can't afford it then they both started laughing.
I feel so embarrassed and not a 'team player'. They all sign the card but because I haven't put into the collection I can't so it makes me feel excluded. I end up just doing my own card.
I just feel so awkward knowing there's going to be at least 2 collections in the next few weeks.

OP posts:
CovidForChristmas · 05/01/2022 18:03

Next time write £5 on the envelope and take a fiver out. Joke!
I’d just put an amount on the envelope and add nothing. Much easier.

UsernameInTheTown · 05/01/2022 18:08

I'd just own it and write on the envelope sorry, I'm brassic but wish you all the best. Fuck the arsehole saddos, this approach will take the wind out of their sails.

HandWash · 05/01/2022 18:10

Everyone puts down how much they have contributed on the envelope so everyone would know how much I put in.
I'd just write my name and tick it! If they asked, I'd just say I've no idea how much I threw in.

I used to put in for collections, but don't bother anymore. I just do something personal if it's a good friend. It's always the same twats patrolling around with an envelope, demanding cash. I once got told 'We are all putting a tenner in' Hmm
Now my stock response is always "Sorry, I don't carry cash." while passing the dutchie the the left hand side Wink

rrhuth · 05/01/2022 18:11

Everyone puts down how much they have contributed on the envelope so everyone would know how much I put in. WTF?

I am not surprised there are so many leaving colections if this is the culture.

IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 05/01/2022 18:17

I always arrange any collections needed at my place, which is not that often but never, ever have I made anyone feel bad about not wanting to or nor being able to contribute. You should not feel embarrassed.

I would be happy for anyone to sign a card if they had contributed or not.

As for putting the amount of contribution on the envelope WTAF no where I have ever worked has done that.

She's a bitch.

maximist · 05/01/2022 18:21

Does anyone actually watch you put the cash in? If not, write down £5 and put a pound in, they'll never know who was fibbing....

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 18:24

i have stopped contributing currently.
i sign the card,
no one forces you to contribute, or at least they shouldnt

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 18:24

@maximist

Does anyone actually watch you put the cash in? If not, write down £5 and put a pound in, they'll never know who was fibbing....
But then they will th8nk someone’s stolen when they add it up and that’s wrong. And unfair.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 18:25

people get hung up on it
they were very rude op.

Mrstamborineman · 05/01/2022 18:25

Pass it on and do nothing else.
In my last job there was a collection in the go almost every week it seemed. Birthday, leaving, pregnant, had a baby. And on top, meals or drinks out for said events as well! People stopped going to meals so on top…. There would be bring and share lunches! It really adds up.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 18:29

@DressingPafe

she should be able to tell your struggling financially if she thinks about it, Ie no buying coffee or lunch etc,no new clothes or going out

I can't see where the OP has said this? Or maybe you are making a subtle point? It is true that some people who refuse to contribute to collections are just being tight. I don't know if that's the case for the OP.

To be fair, every collection I've put into, I've had that back as my own card/gift when I've left somewhere. So I don't really begrudge it. I do agree that even £1 would look better than nothing.

I think what I’m saying is I’ve seen people in workplaces say they can’t afford it, but then you see them buying new clothes, getting hair or nails done, out on the piss, buying lunch and coffees on the regular. It’s less they can’t afford it and more they don’t wish to. And that’s fair enough, it’s rhe not owning it that pisses people off.

Im sure rhe op genuinely can’t afford one or two pounds a month, but I am thinking it takes a true arsehole to laugh at someone in poverty. Generally people take the piss if they don’t believe it.

So either these women are absolute arseholes or they don’t believe the op, possibly due to other buying behaviour and that is why they are behaving as they are. I suspect they are true arseholes if she even has to make her own cards.

Aubree17 · 05/01/2022 18:30

It's hurtful but you must realise it's them and not you.

Laughing at someone who genuinely can't afford to contribute to a collection (especially in the current climate where prices are increasing and people have lost income due to
Covid) is nasty.

The best thing you can do is ignore it.

Topseyt · 05/01/2022 18:44

I always hated this sort of thing in my days of working in large offices in the City of London.

At least nobody wrote down how much they had contributed. How embarrassing and humiliating for those who cannot afford to contribute! That wasn't the norm anywhere I ever worked. Fortunately.

I only used to sign the card if I actually knew the person. Sometimes I could contribute, sometimes not so I just ticked my name off and passed it on.

Tell these bitches that you heard what they said and you consider it bullying. Then report them to your manager or to HR if you have one.

Lolalovesroses · 05/01/2022 18:47

People could steal regardless of what was written on the envelope.
If you make cards, why not offer to do that as your contribution. I pay at least £3 for handmade cards and have paid up to £6! I think that'd be a lovely gesture.

1forAll74 · 05/01/2022 18:56

I don't know why there has to be collections for people leaving, unless it's for someone who is about to retire, after working there for years. That's how it was when I worked in offices years ago.

GadyLaLa · 05/01/2022 19:10

My work is like this, they do collections for everything & I reckon it’d cost me around a tenner a month to contribute to them all. Ridiculous. I’m not willing to spend my hard-earned money on it. I’m part time so I manage to avoid a lot of them, or I say “Ahhh I’ve not brought my purse into work today sorry!” Sometimes I sign the card anyway but don’t put any money in, if I had to write how much on an envelope (how twatty) I’d just lie & write £3. I don’t care! I’ve made it very clear to my closest work colleague NEVER to do a collection for me for anything as I don’t contribute to anyone else’s. I get bloody sick of being asked for money every week, feck off! Grin

godmum56 · 05/01/2022 19:10

its absolutely NOT normal and if it had happened when I was a manager (NHS) I would have put stop to it immediately. Its verging on bullying.

CouldThisReallyBe · 05/01/2022 19:21

I agree what a couple of PPs have said. This is absolutely bullying and where I work this would be grounds for reporting to HR.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 19:21

@Lolalovesroses

People could steal regardless of what was written on the envelope. If you make cards, why not offer to do that as your contribution. I pay at least £3 for handmade cards and have paid up to £6! I think that'd be a lovely gesture.
Of course they can, but no one would know. As much as I don’t agree with writing it, I can see the rationale if it’s left out, they know how much should be in it. If no one says, someone could be stealing and they’d not know.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 19:23

where i worked people would be adamant that £2 was how much you should donate, and here you were meant to write how much you put Shock
another place you could not sign the card unless you contributed!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/01/2022 19:24

even worse now because we are remote working people offer their bank details should you want to transfer that way!

55Jumbo · 05/01/2022 19:31

How petty of them. Surely your colleagues realize most would much rather put in than admit to being that skint. Maybe they just thought you were being tight (and didn't think anyone could hear the comments).

At my work it's all collected by BACS now so I always feel obliged to do a bloody fiver regardless of who it's for, as £3 by bank seems too low somehow (even though back in the day anything UP TO a fiver was the norm). So annoying!

SomebodysMum · 05/01/2022 19:33

If I was leaving a job I would much prefer to receive a hand made card from someone than a present that mostly likely would be something I don’t need, want, or even like 💐

Looubylou · 05/01/2022 19:39

I'm amazed that people are amazed! I've contributed to countless collections in 36 years of working, and it's always been the case that people put down what they have put in the envelope. I've never questioned it. Your experience has certainly made me think OP. There is no good reason - it's not going to stop stealing. You most certainly should not be embarrassed. They sound like awful colleagues. I would have a quiet word with manager about how they behaved. They should be making it clear that all colleagues can sign cards, and donations should not be made public. It's a naming and shaming list! In my case I think it's normally the first person has done it, so everyone has followed suit. In my current work place you are told where the collection is, by email. No one comes to ask you personally for money. Cards are there for anyone to sign.

Staffy1 · 05/01/2022 19:39

@CovidForChristmas

Next time write £5 on the envelope and take a fiver out. Joke! I’d just put an amount on the envelope and add nothing. Much easier.
Do this. If the collection is left out for people to add to as they please, just write an amount on the envelope but don’t put it in.