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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel embarrassed?

80 replies

user76098323 · 05/01/2022 16:42

I work in a fairly large department of around 20 people. I get on well with my colleagues but the department has a high turnover of staff. In the last month 3 people have left and 2 are leaving in the next month.
One of my colleagues has taken it upon herself to organise collections, she arranged one just before Christmas for a colleague that was leaving and I explained I couldn't afford to put into the collection. Everyone puts between £3-£5 in.
So this week she has been arranging another collection for a colleague who is leaving this week. I heard her saying to another colleague I won't bother asking user76098323 she can't afford it then they both started laughing.
I feel so embarrassed and not a 'team player'. They all sign the card but because I haven't put into the collection I can't so it makes me feel excluded. I end up just doing my own card.
I just feel so awkward knowing there's going to be at least 2 collections in the next few weeks.

OP posts:

DressingPafe · 05/01/2022 17:17

she should be able to tell your struggling financially if she thinks about it, Ie no buying coffee or lunch etc,no new clothes or going out

I can't see where the OP has said this? Or maybe you are making a subtle point? It is true that some people who refuse to contribute to collections are just being tight. I don't know if that's the case for the OP.

To be fair, every collection I've put into, I've had that back as my own card/gift when I've left somewhere. So I don't really begrudge it. I do agree that even £1 would look better than nothing.

FourTeaFallOut · 05/01/2022 17:19

They are either laughing because you can't afford it or because they don't believe you. Personally, I'd have asked them there and then which it was. It doesn't sound like people stick around in your workplace long enough to make friends but you could aim for grudging respect.

Mamamia7962 · 05/01/2022 17:21

That's ridiculous then. I'm sure other people will be fed up with this too. I really wouldn't worry about not giving to collections to people you hardly know. If they aren't there for very long they are not going to keep in touch with people or really remember anyone.

Babyroobs · 05/01/2022 17:25

@Mamamia7962

Why do people have to put down how much they put in? Who made up that rule, what is the purpose of it. Have never heard of that before.

It used to be like this at my work place as money used to go missing if an envelope was left sitting around for different shifts to contribute.

Player20868 · 05/01/2022 17:26

I've worked in lots of places over the years, and while people might write their name on the envelope and put a tick to say they've signed the card, I've never worked anywhere that people put what they've actually given! That's really very divisive, especially in the current climate, it smacks of the school playground a bit to me.

We've had a spate of people leaving/going on mat leave/changing jobs in our team recently, but the collections have been handled very discreetly, often via PayPal, and it's absolutely up to us what we put in, there's no mandated amount!

I really hope your unpleasant colleague comes to personally understand this year that for many people money is very, very tight right now.

Cuddlywaterfall · 05/01/2022 17:27

I think I can see why there is such a high turnover of staff! It sounds bloody horrible!

HunterGatherer · 05/01/2022 17:27

I feel your pain OP, our team had collections around Christmas that amounted to £37 in contributions for each person. It wasnt a problem for me personally but I was stunned that they'd even asked the cleaner to contribute.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2022 17:28

I think people put how much they contributed so that they can check how much the leaver receives. It's quite normal to do that, otherwise someone could be accused of theft.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 05/01/2022 17:30

What hell place do you work at where people put down the amount they contributed?
...
I've been there 12 years and it's always been like this. I thought it was normal 😆

It doesn't sound in the least bit "normal". On the contrary, it sounds at best intrusive, at worst downright humiliating. Has anyone ever explained the reasoning behind it?

Original poster

user76098323 · 05/01/2022 17:33

@ProfessionalWeirdo

What hell place do you work at where people put down the amount they contributed? ... I've been there 12 years and it's always been like this. I thought it was normal 😆

It doesn't sound in the least bit "normal". On the contrary, it sounds at best intrusive, at worst downright humiliating. Has anyone ever explained the reasoning behind it?

I think its because like other posters have said because of theft. The collection is left out so i guess anyone could take some.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 05/01/2022 17:37

I think this happens a lot in work places? It’s happened in several I have been in but usually only if someone has been there for more than a year. I would be happy to put a couple £ in and to sign a card but if you can’t afford to then just don’t do it?

Newmummytoakitten · 05/01/2022 17:40

I have never written what i put in. Just ticked to say if card signed and also contributed. Mainly because if you don't have money at the time you can give envelope back but its noted you need to get cash.

Honestly I would put in 50p or £1 and just tick your name and hand it back.

Also the organiser needs to be more on it to collect the envelope or specify where it should be put at the end of the day

ivykaty44 · 05/01/2022 17:41

that is bullying

I left my job a couple of months back and stated under no circumstances were they to have a collection for me. if they wanted to donate money id be delighted if they gave to a particular charity that was very relevant and they all knew why.

I don't need anything and it put pressure on people, unfairly in some circumstances.

we'd just had a manager leave and another colleague - it gets expensive

Chely · 05/01/2022 17:43

Your colleague is an arsehole!
Next time don't mention affordability, just tell them it's ridiculous to be doing so many leaving presents unless they have worked there a long time. Tell them to ask HR to fund it instead, it'll be a short sharp no from them.

FocacciaFingerer · 05/01/2022 17:46

I've never contributed to any collections, and I'm in my late 50's. I just say 'no thanks' and crack on with what I'm doing
I don't sign a card
But that's just me I can't be doing with all the 'leaving' malarkey, cards, gifts, drinks etc
I'm a right miserable bastard 🤣

skodadoda · 05/01/2022 17:49

@Mamamia7962

Why do people have to put down how much they put in? Who made up that rule, what is the purpose of it. Have never heard of that before.

That’s ludicrous

Sportslady44 · 05/01/2022 17:51

That's awful. I hate all these collection things. Says another about them the way they acted towards you they need to grow up.

southlondoner02 · 05/01/2022 17:53

I've worked in 2 places where people put down how much they contributed to collections. Both places I put a stop to it. I'm not at all senior but once I explained how awful this was they reflected on it and decided to stop. Is there anyone at your work who you're friends with who you could talk to about doing this? There's bound to be other people who feel uncomfortable unless they're all arseholes.

mam0918 · 05/01/2022 17:55

I hate these things, they also always seem like a scam.

Most of the time the gift given doesn't seem to be anywhere near the amount of the cash raised but hard to argue it.

example: 30 people put in £3 and the receiver gets a £10 box of chocolate and a bunch of 'flowers' = no way it costs £80 for the flowers and if it does they need to give their heads a wobble spending that much on something that will die in a week.

Seems to me someones pocketing cash in the scenarios I personally saw so I never do them.

If I want to give a gift I will do it of my own free choice with the item and amount I deem best and no clique has yet to embarrass me enough to change (I feel embarrassed for them really).

jb7445 · 05/01/2022 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FrankGrillosWrist · 05/01/2022 17:56

Don’t feel embarrassed OP, they shouldn’t keep begging all the time. My neighbour once came collecting for someone who’d died, I said that I didn’t want to put towards the collection as the woman was horrible & never had a good word to say about anyone. I felt like a Cunt for about 2 minutes.

palmtreeee · 05/01/2022 18:00

i think you should be allowed to sign the card everyone else has signed. we are not all equal in our ingoings and outgoings and its unfair for them to make a tally of who donated what as if its some sort of competition. very strangle behaviour if you ask me. she doesnt know your situation and frankly its none of her business either. no wonder the place has a high turnover with people like that working there! if i were you, i'd take it to office management, that is bullying and segregation.

Auntielateralflow · 05/01/2022 18:00

You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about op so I’d work on not giving a fuck about what people think.
A nice hand made card sounds lovely and thoughtful.
Pp saying a pound is better than nothing, if it’s a large turnover of staff this can soon mount up.
Just say your not contributing and hold your head up, don’t be embarrassed. Folk don’t contribute for many reasons

ProfessionalWeirdo · 05/01/2022 18:01

I think its because like other posters have said because of theft. The collection is left out so i guess anyone could take some.

I've never come across this before. In my experience, there was always been someone in charge of the collection box, and they took it round in person. It was never left unattended.

But in any case, I don't see how making people write down how much they've contributed is going to actively prevent theft. If the total on the list does turn out to be more than the amount of money in the box, what action will be taken to catch the thief? Am I missing something here?

mumshouse · 05/01/2022 18:02

Everyone puts down how much they have contributed on the envelope so everyone would know how much I put in.

That's giving me second hand embarrassment. I would hate to receive something like that. Does the person then have to go round and thank everyone personally for their £3 or whatever?

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