To think my mum can see me without my sisters.

[Kca29]

Hoping to keep this short.

I'm oldest of 4. I'm 30 this year. I have a brother a few years younger who tends to do his own thing. Also 2 sisters from when my mum got re married her are 18 and 15 so quite a bit younger than me. I have nothing in common with teens of today. I was closer to them when they were little, now it's awkward. They never talk and always on their phones.

I have 2 kids myself and I can understand my mums life revolves around her younger kids. Although at times when I was a teen I felt envious of my friends. They all went on shopping trips, lunch, cinema etc with their mothers and all my mums attention was on my younger sisters which I can understand but I feel she didn't make time for any 1:1 time with me. They never had any rules or boundaries either and she let them get away with everything. They'd barge into my room when I was studying, wanting alone time, taking my stuff. I was expected to look after them quite a lot. My mum told me to move out if I didn't like it, which I did. I moved out at 19.

But back to the point of my op. My mum won't meet me without my sisters. I suggested a coffee in the week or something but she won't do it as my sisters are in school or college and they will 'miss out'. My mum doesn't work currently so she could make time for me alone surely 🤷‍♀️ She sees friends etc.

The very rare time I've been with my mum alone all she talks about is my sisters. I just feel pushed out.

I'm a grown woman but sometimes just want a mum in my life. My mum and my sisters do plenty the 3 of them. I'm never invited. I never had that when I was their age.

It's very rare she comes to my house if she does she'll always be like I know To be back for ... & ...! Even though they are home with stepdad who is a great dad to them. They are teenagers now so not like young kids. One is 18 now ffs.

It's mr birthday soon and I want to suggest going for breakfast or lunch with my mums or grandma. It's on a week day but I know my mum will day know as my sisters will be at school/college and they will 'miss out'.

Aibu to just want some time alone with my mum?!

Right now I feel like I don't even have much of a mum!

When my beloved grandpa died it was all about her she and my sisters felt. I know they are younger and needed more support, which I totally get. But she never asked how I was. Mt grandpa practically raised me for the first few years of my life! They were all sat on the front row together and there wasn't any room for me so I had to sit alone on the second row!

I don't have my bio dad around either (never have) so I just feel rather damn lonely.

Mil has big age gaps too and she makes it work with all her kids! Dp is much older than his younger siblings but Dp has never felt pushed out.

I'm not posting for sympathy. Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and now to deal with it? Do I just cut my losses and just accept it?

I have a wonderful Dp and 2 beautiful dc!

Did she have a poor relationship with your DF and do you look like him? I am wondering if you are too much of a reminder of him? Not that it excuses her treatment of you but maybe a reason for it?

Sorry your mum is shit but unfortunately I doubt there is much you can do but make your peace with it.

You have made a success of your life without her and will continue to do so.

Doesn’t mean it isn’t sad though x

Hi OP

She is treating you differently to them, in lots of ways and it's not fair. But it's been going on since they were born and its unlikely to change now, it sounds an engrained dynamic.

There is no harm in telling her how you feel eg how you love your sisters but it makes you feel sad that your mum never wants any quality alone time with you, and it would really help to make you feel loved and improve your relationship if you could meet for coffee occasionally just the two of you, you think it's healthy for families to all spend one on one time in different combinations etc. They see her alone but you dont and it feels like youre being treated differently etc

However from what you've said she will either not acknowledge this, say it's not fair on them, or spend the whole time talking about them or rushing to get back to them

In which case I think you need to start working on accepting it, possibly with the help of a therapist as if most peoples parent treated them differently to a step sibling it would usually cause issues with self esteem etc that might benefit from being talked through

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I think I would just arrange to meet my granny and if she wants to come she can otherwise go ahead

That sounds shit OP. When you're asking to have these 121 meetups and she says about your sisters, have you tried telling her you would like some quality time just with her? Or that they get plenty of time with her already so you're sure they won't mind? What does she say?

Does she know how you feel about wanting 1:1 time with her? I'd say make that very clear to her and tell her you'll catch up with your sis's another time

How awful for you.

It does sound as if you're justified in your feelings. It's probably not going to change anything but it might be worth trying to say what you would like and how you feel, just to give yourself closure. I don't think she's likely to change.

@ApolloandDaphne

Did she have a poor relationship with your DF and do you look like him? I am wondering if you are too much of a reminder of him? Not that it excuses her treatment of you but maybe a reason for it?

I'm not sure. She has said I remind her of him personality wise. Which might make sense. I'm a total opposite personality to my mother. She's very outspoken, outgoing and opinionated. Whereas I'm a social awkward introvert 😅 but I feel I am a nice person!

OP,

She's just not that nice a person or mother.

You sound lovely.

She is who she is and is unlikely to change.

I'm sorry.

Have you tried spelling it out?
Start with a low key event eg coffee and don't focus on the event itself (lovely cakes, gorgeous coffee shop etc) but purely the emotional side of it

Mum - I would really love to spend some time with you 1:1. Nothing particular to discuss just wanting to connect. Are you free for coffee for an hour next week?

Thanks all. Unfortunately she isn't the easiest person to talk to. She is very argumentative whereas I'm not. She always has to be the victim too! She's not someone I want to get on the wrong side of 😞

I think I'll just have to accept it and move on.

Mil is quite nice so I do have her locally. She has her moments as do all mother in laws, right? But she is quite welcoming and I know I could just pop in whenever I please even without Dp being there (not that I do this very often!) but bizarrely my mum gets funny about me having a good relationship with mil!

^ my mums issues have nothing to do with jealousy with me and mil. It's been going on for way longer than I've known Dp and bai family.

I'm also pretty close to dp's sister and went to school together - although didn't know each other well then. She is my age so we have quite a lot in common!

Also, me and my sister have birthdays a few days apart. It should be totally non issue being different days. But one year my mum organised a kids birthday party for my sister on my birthday as it was the weekend - which is fine, I don't mind as has my own plans. Non issue. She told me that the party was for me too (it wasn't!) and If I wanted to see my mum for my card on my birthday I had to go the party. My sister was about 10 at the time and me in my twenties. No thanks 😅

His* not bai!

That’s really hard. I can’t imagine ever treating my children so differently. If trying to have a direct conversation is unlikely to be successful then therapy sounds like an excellent way forward. I hope you find some peace and have a lovely birthday. I would be cultivating relationships with people who give you attention back, friends and in-laws and find more of an even footing that way.

This sounds really crap. Did she have you very young, and perhaps feel in some way like she's doing parenting "properly" with her younger children? Not that that is a good attitude at all but might explain why she is so much more involved with them.

As someone with a really argumentative parent, it probably won't start a fight if you say "I'd really love to see you one to one" - this might be a bit naughty but you could come up with some "adult" thing you want to talk to her about or something personal to you? Something to ask her advice on that wouldn't be appropriate around your sisters? Or take her out for a drink as your sisters are too young to go.

Not much you can do about the "I have to be back for A & B!" thing however annoying, it's just a habit. But I would probably say "oh come on mum you can stay for a coffee, A is nearly the age I was when I left home!".

I wonder if at some level she knows she mad a bit of a hash of being your mum and doesn't want to be alone with you because she feels guilty/worries you'll bring up some of her less shining moments.

@FoxgloveSummers, she had have me young yes. I also had my son fairly young (previous relationship, not with Dp if relevant) and I do feel like when I had my second I had matured as parent to both but I would never treat them differently. I think the age gap is the main issue.

She's also married to my sisters dad, my stepdad. So I think that's her family unit and me and brother are extras - as mad as that sounds. Me and brother both have different fathers too - again not really relevant. My bother is closer to her than what I am though.

I think they are l very much like her to in their personality. I'm a bit of a black sheep and as I'm shy and quiet!

I'd be just focussing on your more positive relationships with other people and trying to accept that you've tried your best with DM but she's unlikely to change. You sound like a perfectly nice normal person and it's your DMs loss.

As for your teen siblings, the dynamic might change as they get older and more independent.

Bless you! So I think that's her family unit and me and brother are extras - as mad as that sounds. It's really sad that you've been made to feel this way. I can understand the personality differences make you feel this too, but I share both parents with my sibling and we have TOTALLY opposite personalities - it's just the luck of the draw. You're not the odd one out or the black sheep or the cuckoo in the nest and she really shouldn't be making you feel that way. Perhaps try some assertiveness exercises (think there are some online) and just - i know this sounds weird but assert yourself as a member of the family? if they're all quite loud etc do they have a lot of arguments?

Very similar situation, except all same mum and dad and my mum was actively abusive towards me in my childhood and teens.

I’m 36 and dsis (youngest of several) is 23. Since the day she was conceived my mums life has solely revolves around her, despite my mum having 4 other kids one of which is only 6 years older than the youngest. I don’t think I’ve been anywhere with just my mum since dsis was born. All she talks about is her and her life and what she’s up to. The time and money invested in her is vastly different to what the rest of us have had. I love dsis, but she can also be a bit of an entitled brat at times. But I guess she’s grown up thinking she’s vastly more important than everyone else, so it’s not really her fault.

My dd1 is only 6 years older than dsis and when they were young we did do days out together which was nice. Dd1 and dsis are very close, but used to gang up on my dd2 who is 9 years younger than dsis!

Since she’s been off at uni/ doing her own thing I rarely see my mum. I work full time and she doesn’t work, but she never makes any effort to come and see me. It’s always me who has to make the effort.

It doesn’t bother me munch day to day though. I have no real advice, but I learnt a long time ago to expect nothing from her and then if she does do something it’s a bonus. I’m also in the privileged position of having 2 other sisters that I’m close to, one very close and a lovely sister in law and brother, who live abroad, but are always around for a chat. My dad is also a great guy, though works very long hours and is very much under my mums thumb!

I do understand your frustration. My best friend at schools (still friends now) mum also had a youngest around the sam e time as mine and has always been able to be a good mum to them all despite the big age gap. Some people can, and some people can’t. Unfortunately ours can’t.

I'm really sorry OP, that's incredibly hard and I would find it really upsetting and difficult in your position. I would be inclined to try to talk to her by saying something like 'I know it sounds a bit childish but I'd love to have you all to myself for a bit'. Maybe try to frame it as flattering to her, rather than a critique of her? I am sorry though - you deserve to be allowed to be the child in this adult/ child dynamic, and it sounds like she's made the relationship really difficult for you.

That should be my dd1 is only 6 years younger than dsis.

I know you weren’t asking for sympathy but I really feel for you. It’s horrible to be shut out by the one person who is meant to love you unconditionally.

I think it's one thing to feel sad that your mum isn't very involved in your life, that can be explained by just being different personality wise, I think your situation is worse than that since you now see how she is with your younger sisters. I am guessing that is where the real heartache is.

It's like she has done that classic thing men often do when they start a new family and their first kids gets put on the back burner. I am not sure she meant it that way, it could also just be that she had a longing for a nuclear family and got a second chance at it. I really don't have much advice other than to tell her how you feel, and that you would like more of a relationship with her.

I think you sound lovely, so much nicer than your mum.

I can understand your heartache, but it really is in your best interests to focus on those that are supportive in your partners family.

Mil is quite nice so I do have her locally. She has her moments as do all mother in laws, right? But she is quite welcoming and I know I could just pop in whenever I please even without Dp being there (not that I do this very often!) but bizarrely my mum gets funny about me having a good relationship with mil!

Maybe do it more.

And be blunt rather than avoiding her playing the victim?

'Yes, I've been spending much more time with MIL. It's great. I'd love to spend 1-1 time with you Mum but you've always made it clear you're not interested, so...

Get on the wrong side of her, who cares? She certainly doesn't about your feelings...

I agree with @Skeumorph , if your DM isn't prepared to prioritise spending time with you then she has no right to be upset with you socialising with your MIL.