To think my mum can see me without my sisters.

[Kca29]

Hoping to keep this short.

I'm oldest of 4. I'm 30 this year. I have a brother a few years younger who tends to do his own thing. Also 2 sisters from when my mum got re married her are 18 and 15 so quite a bit younger than me. I have nothing in common with teens of today. I was closer to them when they were little, now it's awkward. They never talk and always on their phones.

I have 2 kids myself and I can understand my mums life revolves around her younger kids. Although at times when I was a teen I felt envious of my friends. They all went on shopping trips, lunch, cinema etc with their mothers and all my mums attention was on my younger sisters which I can understand but I feel she didn't make time for any 1:1 time with me. They never had any rules or boundaries either and she let them get away with everything. They'd barge into my room when I was studying, wanting alone time, taking my stuff. I was expected to look after them quite a lot. My mum told me to move out if I didn't like it, which I did. I moved out at 19.

But back to the point of my op. My mum won't meet me without my sisters. I suggested a coffee in the week or something but she won't do it as my sisters are in school or college and they will 'miss out'. My mum doesn't work currently so she could make time for me alone surely 🤷‍♀️ She sees friends etc.

The very rare time I've been with my mum alone all she talks about is my sisters. I just feel pushed out.

I'm a grown woman but sometimes just want a mum in my life. My mum and my sisters do plenty the 3 of them. I'm never invited. I never had that when I was their age.

It's very rare she comes to my house if she does she'll always be like I know To be back for ... & ...! Even though they are home with stepdad who is a great dad to them. They are teenagers now so not like young kids. One is 18 now ffs.

It's mr birthday soon and I want to suggest going for breakfast or lunch with my mums or grandma. It's on a week day but I know my mum will day know as my sisters will be at school/college and they will 'miss out'.

Aibu to just want some time alone with my mum?!

Right now I feel like I don't even have much of a mum!

When my beloved grandpa died it was all about her she and my sisters felt. I know they are younger and needed more support, which I totally get. But she never asked how I was. Mt grandpa practically raised me for the first few years of my life! They were all sat on the front row together and there wasn't any room for me so I had to sit alone on the second row!

I don't have my bio dad around either (never have) so I just feel rather damn lonely.

Mil has big age gaps too and she makes it work with all her kids! Dp is much older than his younger siblings but Dp has never felt pushed out.

I'm not posting for sympathy. Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and now to deal with it? Do I just cut my losses and just accept it?

I have a wonderful Dp and 2 beautiful dc!

Does she even need to know if you spend time with MIL?

Cut your losses.

I’m not saying go NC as it’s not as serious as her deliberately abusing you in a calculating manner, but she is being selfish, neglectful and treating you unfairly and thoughtlessly. Don’t bother inviting her, have get together a with people who actually give a shit about you.

@billy1966

OP,

She's just not that nice a person or mother.

You sound lovely.

She is who she is and is unlikely to change.

I'm sorry.

This. Sorry OP, maybe time to move away from her emotionally.

It sounds to me like your mother wants the “perfect family” hence insisting you come to a ten year olds party and putting up with the lack of boundaries and discipline.
She doesn’t want to address how she did you wrong so channels her energy into making sure everything is “perfect” for the younger ones

I think that you need counselling to come to terms with this as it doesn't sound like your Mum is open to changing.

Plus I'd be remembering this when she's elderly and needs help and support. I'm sure that your sisters will be at the front of the queue falling over themselves to help out

Plus I'd also bang on about how lovely Mil is and how she always makes time to meet up for coffee. But you sound too nice to do that!

I winced reading some of that, op.

Just stop. Seriously.

You will never have the mother/daughter relationship you desperately want. Her doing, not yours.

You are only causing yourself hurt and disappointment by keeping trying.

Spend time with people who want to be with you and value you.

YANBU

"Mum, why do they need to be there, when I'm not there when you three go out? You're starting to make me feel rejected. All I want is some time with my mum"

Seriously, if she can't see that, she's an idiot. I feel for you OP 💐

@Kca29

Thanks all. Unfortunately she isn't the easiest person to talk to. She is very argumentative whereas I'm not. She always has to be the victim too! She's not someone I want to get on the wrong side of 😞

I think I'll just have to accept it and move on.

Mil is quite nice so I do have her locally. She has her moments as do all mother in laws, right? But she is quite welcoming and I know I could just pop in whenever I please even without Dp being there (not that I do this very often!) but bizarrely my mum gets funny about me having a good relationship with mil!

^ my mums issues have nothing to do with jealousy with me and mil. It's been going on for way longer than I've known Dp and bai family.

I'm also pretty close to dp's sister and went to school together - although didn't know each other well then. She is my age so we have quite a lot in common!

Also, me and my sister have birthdays a few days apart. It should be totally non issue being different days. But one year my mum organised a kids birthday party for my sister on my birthday as it was the weekend - which is fine, I don't mind as has my own plans. Non issue. She told me that the party was for me too (it wasn't!) and If I wanted to see my mum for my card on my birthday I had to go the party. My sister was about 10 at the time and me in my twenties. No thanks 😅

You say you have a brother who does his own thing. Would it be worth reaching out to him as well? You might find you have an unexpected ally there too. It would be interesting to see if he feels the same as you and that is why he is busy doing his own thing…

I would write a letter to her if you feel she won’t listen

Be honest say I feel I am being pushed out, that you only care about x&y, that you never spend any quality time with just me, and I miss my mother

Ask her to a birthday breakfast in the letter, you, grandma and her

If she refuses then I would step away from the family altogether and leave them to it

I have a twin sister and feel exactly like you: pushed out 😞

I'm the eldest of four all the children of both parents, and a smaller age gap but this has still been the reality of much of my life, and I don't think it's unusual for any eldest daughters. My main role from fairly early childhood was to help and not be an extra trouble. I don't really have an individual relationship with my mother at all in adulthood, and her focus has always been on the younger ones, who needed more care.