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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I distance myself? What to do about my friend.

39 replies

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 07:55

It's a long story so I will give an outline. My friend and her DH have been on and off for the past year. This has been going on for over a year- he's moved out, he's back, should I/shouldn't I split up with him? etc. For a long period they have carried on living together but not been together and have seemed to be getting on well, other times it's got quite toxic. One asked the other to make a go of it the other said no and so on.

This was caused by her doing some sexting, meeting up with other men etc , he found out and did the same but seemed to go further by repeatedly lying and seeing another women. Certainly an emotional affair as she found very inappropriate messages to the other women but her DH has never admitted to exactly what he has done.

So now, she asked her DH to make a go of it, still living together. He said no so she immediately went out and happened to meet someone else. She now sleeping with this man once a week and they have a casual relationship. Her DH knows nothing about it and she gets him to babysit whilst she sees this other guy. She is accepting expensive gifts off him and he is married but says he's separated.
She agrees he's probably messing her around, just wants sex and says things to kind of test her.

The problem is we are in a close friendship group and it is beginning to cause problems. My friends and I have repeatedly given her support and advice over this period but I have come to realise she doesn't want advice unless it agrees with her view. She hasn't listened to a word of our advice this whole time but continuously talks about DH and the new guy every time we see her. We keep telling her to split with new guy, she agrees but then a random tells her not to and she follows their advice instead. One of the other DHs in the group who is close to her DH has started not wanting to be with my friend and feels guilty that he hasn't told her DH about my friend. He's quite mean about her and tells her to her face what she's doing is wrong. This puts his wife, a friend in the group in a tricky situation.

The other thing is she stated to me she knows she's doing exactly the same as the other women who her DH had the 'affair ' with. She said all sorts about her and I supported her that it takes a certain women to send those sorts of messages, meet up as they did, with a man you know is married with a child. She is now doing the same. But it seems ok for my friend to do it. It has totally changed my view of my friend and I am beginning to think she's not a nice person.

AIBU to distance myself from her for a while? I am fed up with hearing about this new man and her DH the whole time when she has no intention of taking on any advice. I am becoming a bit fed up with the drama.

But I don't want to loose the friendship as we are in a group, I do love her, she's a good friend and an old friend. I don't want her to think I am not supportive.

OP posts:

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 08:07

Up to you really

Aubriella · 05/01/2022 08:08

You are being very judgemental about your friend when her husband is doing the same thing as she is. Do you really think he’s not shagging around? Naive.

Your group of friends sounds hypocritical and sexist.

By all means distance yourself as the endless talk sounds annoying but none of you are coming out well in this. And yet I bet you’ll keep her husband in your friendship group and shun her. Sickening.

CagneyNYPD1 · 05/01/2022 08:11

Just take a big step back. January is a great month for cutting back on socialising etc. Just don't arrange an meet ups for te time being. Be slow to respond to messages etc. No one needs that level of drama.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 05/01/2022 08:12

Very awkward op.
One of my best friends has been seeing a guy but every time l see her, it is all she talks about because he treats her like shit and makes her cry. A lot. Not sure why she puts up with it but it dominates our conversation .
I am hoping she will see the light soon but in the meantime l just listen and hope that makes her feel better.

CagneyNYPD1 · 05/01/2022 08:13

Oh and te woman and her husband really are as bad as each other. Poor kids in the middle of it all.

HeadToToesNo · 05/01/2022 08:16

I couldn't be friends with either of them, I think you should pull back from your friendship. You'll probably find once one of you does, the rest of the group will too.
She may or may not be a 'bad' person, but she is clearly an unhappy person who isn't ready to help herself yet.

Original poster

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 08:17

@Aubriella

You are being very judgemental about your friend when her husband is doing the same thing as she is. Do you really think he’s not shagging around? Naive.

Your group of friends sounds hypocritical and sexist.

No- actually I have been very neutral as she admits herself that she has done the wrong thing too with texting/sexting and meeting up with guys. Him finding out was the start of this whole thing. Then it became almost tic for tac.

I am trying not to judge and listen and support. I don't condone what either of them have done but I can see both sides and can see why they both felt they needed to go to other people. I have only given an outline, there is more to it.

I don't know why this makes me seem like a horrible person. I haven't done anything.

OP posts:

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 05/01/2022 08:25

This sounds hard for you. I can relate to not knowing how to deal with someone constantly bringing drama and talking about it to the exclusion or much else. It sounds like she is going through a hard and confusing time ans is spiraling a bit- and that you've been a good friend.

Maybe have a think about under way conditions you'd like to remain friends with her? If you think about it and work it out - e.g. if she stops sharing about this other guy as you don't want to be complicit - then maybe you can lovingly communicate to her what you need and how you feel. I think you should talk to her gently and honestly if you value her as a friend. Perhaps she could use a (good) therapist too? This might pull her out of destructive cycle she's in.

Sounds like you've been a great friend up to now - well done and good luck OP.

MissNothing1991 · 05/01/2022 08:31

Not the sort of friend I'd want after having been with 2 long term cheaters. I'd be cutting her off and someone clearly needs to tell the husband.

Original poster

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 08:52

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

Very awkward op. One of my best friends has been seeing a guy but every time l see her, it is all she talks about because he treats her like shit and makes her cry. A lot. Not sure why she puts up with it but it dominates our conversation . I am hoping she will see the light soon but in the meantime l just listen and hope that makes her feel better.

Yes I think that's all I can do. My other friends DH has turned very anti my friend. He doesn't condone what her DH has done but seems to have got himself very involved and is genuinely upset about what my friend is doing. He feels bad for not telling her DH as he thinks friend wants to get together.

It's not the fact that she's seeing someone it's more accepting very expensive gifts from a married man, being with a married man after everything that has happened with her DH- other women not married, no dcs. Plus getting him to babysit whilst she does it. I have remained pretty neutral but the more I think about it I agree with my other friends DH.

OP posts:

RealBecca · 05/01/2022 09:25

I'd just tell her you think she needs time to clear her heard and you don't want to confuse her so you don't wish to discuss it anymore.

user1471457751 · 05/01/2022 09:50

If he is the children's dad then he is not babysitting. It's called parenting.

Kbyodjs · 05/01/2022 10:02

If you don’t want to lessen contact with her then just stop engaging about her relationship life and change the subject; i have a friend who was in an on/off toxic relationship and after about a year of always talking about it and nothing changing I just started saying “well you kneo my view”, making a few sympathetic noises and changing the subject. If the situation actually changed then I would have talked about it/offered support etc but while it was all just in a circle I stopped engaging about it

coffeeisthebest · 05/01/2022 10:15

I agree, if you value her as a friend then just don't engage with her drama on this subject. She is stuck in her own cycle. If she notices a change you could tell her why and then see what happens. Currently she might believe you are enjoying being a bystander in her relationships. I would communicate to her that you are not.

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/01/2022 10:16

What do you mean by 'gets her DH to babysit'? Is he not the father to her child, or is her child someone else's? Otherwise I don't understand getting the father to 'babysit' his own child, when he is just being a father. Would you describe a mother 'babysitting' her own child if the father was out for a few hours?

Original poster

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 10:19

@user1471457751

If he is the children's dad then he is not babysitting. It's called parenting.

But parenting whilst she is off seeing a married man a couple of weeks after saying she wants to have another try with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 10:25

Yes- I do that now in terms of when she talks about her DH and the other man. It was long ago I realised she's not actually interested in any advice and will only do what she wants anyway. My friend is much more involved and constantly asks her about it so inevitably we end up talking about it.

It's more the fact that I just can't agree with what she is doing. She said herself she is just like the other women her DH was seeing, although worse I guess as they are actually sleeping together. She said no much about this other women which I agreed with but now she is the other women and I feel very hypocritical having agreed with her about this other women whilst she is doing exactly the same if not more. She is accepting very expensive gifts from him and doesn't even know his last name. It's made me see her in a different light. I don't want to go along with something like this.

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/01/2022 11:08

It doesn't matter what she is doing when she is not at home, the father is still the father. And remains so. Same with the mother. A mother is not 'babysitting' her children while her husband is off having an affair with the secretary. It is a sexist and misogynist thing to refer to a mother as a parent/mother and the father as a mere 'babysitter'.

Original poster

cleocleo81 · 05/01/2022 11:40

@Migrainesbythedozen

FFS it was a term used. Honesty people on here could get offended in a paper bag. I was just referring to the childcare.

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/01/2022 11:47

@cleocleo81 I know, but it's important to think about because it suggests being a parent is the mother's job only, and the father is simply a mere babysitter. It's not just you many others say a father is doing a good job by 'looking after the children on the weekends' or something. As if looking after his own children is an amazing feat and makes him a hero. If nobody draws your attention to it, then you might not think of it that way. It's something to think about, no need to get so offended and defensive.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2022 11:50

Just say sorry I don't want to know any more about your private life. You know I disapprove.

SunflowerTed · 05/01/2022 11:52

My best mate is messing around with another bloke behind her husbands back (he is also my friend). I think the best tack is to still be her friend but take a step back. I'm distancing myself from all of the drama (which has been going on for two years). I just dont want to know !

Your friends husband and your friend are both behaving badly so dont feel sorry for him!!!!!!! they are as bad as each other!

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/01/2022 11:54

Re the friend (I thought I answered that, sorry I mustn't have) just say to her "so now you know how OW (insert name of friend's DH's mistress) feels." That should make her squirm. Also tell her you don't want to hear about her affair when you're with her and that it will cause problems for your friendship if she brings it up.

Aprilx · 05/01/2022 11:57

I couldn’t be part of your friendship group with all the lying and secrets. And your sexist attitude towards the woman in this is really telling, particularly the way you say she leaves the father of her children to “babysit”.

KiloWhat · 05/01/2022 12:02

FFS it was a term used. Honesty people on here could get offended in a paper bag. I was just referring to the childcare.

If it was a paperbag that minimised a father's role in childrearing to "babysitting" then yes I would be offended in it.

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