Should I distance myself? What to do about my friend.

[cleocleo81]

It's a long story so I will give an outline. My friend and her DH have been on and off for the past year. This has been going on for over a year- he's moved out, he's back, should I/shouldn't I split up with him? etc. For a long period they have carried on living together but not been together and have seemed to be getting on well, other times it's got quite toxic. One asked the other to make a go of it the other said no and so on.

This was caused by her doing some sexting, meeting up with other men etc , he found out and did the same but seemed to go further by repeatedly lying and seeing another women. Certainly an emotional affair as she found very inappropriate messages to the other women but her DH has never admitted to exactly what he has done.

So now, she asked her DH to make a go of it, still living together. He said no so she immediately went out and happened to meet someone else. She now sleeping with this man once a week and they have a casual relationship. Her DH knows nothing about it and she gets him to babysit whilst she sees this other guy. She is accepting expensive gifts off him and he is married but says he's separated.
She agrees he's probably messing her around, just wants sex and says things to kind of test her.

The problem is we are in a close friendship group and it is beginning to cause problems. My friends and I have repeatedly given her support and advice over this period but I have come to realise she doesn't want advice unless it agrees with her view. She hasn't listened to a word of our advice this whole time but continuously talks about DH and the new guy every time we see her. We keep telling her to split with new guy, she agrees but then a random tells her not to and she follows their advice instead. One of the other DHs in the group who is close to her DH has started not wanting to be with my friend and feels guilty that he hasn't told her DH about my friend. He's quite mean about her and tells her to her face what she's doing is wrong. This puts his wife, a friend in the group in a tricky situation.

The other thing is she stated to me she knows she's doing exactly the same as the other women who her DH had the 'affair ' with. She said all sorts about her and I supported her that it takes a certain women to send those sorts of messages, meet up as they did, with a man you know is married with a child. She is now doing the same. But it seems ok for my friend to do it. It has totally changed my view of my friend and I am beginning to think she's not a nice person.

AIBU to distance myself from her for a while? I am fed up with hearing about this new man and her DH the whole time when she has no intention of taking on any advice. I am becoming a bit fed up with the drama.

But I don't want to loose the friendship as we are in a group, I do love her, she's a good friend and an old friend. I don't want her to think I am not supportive.

I don't want her to think I am not supportive.

Oh dear OP, this mindset is going to make you unhappy - because your friend does not care what you think. All you are to her now is an audience for her endless shitshow about her DH & OM.
She's not interested in your feelings - so why are you worrying about being "supportive"?
The fact is, you don't support her behaviour. It's selfish, self-destructive, hypocritical, & boring/embarrassing for the friendship group.

Why don't you take a halfway measure for now, & see if it makes any difference?
Next time she opens her mouth to harp on about DH & OM, tell her "I'm not interested in hearing about your men tonight, so let's talk about anything else."
If she cannot find another topic of conversation ... leave her to it.

I feel sorry for the guy who is mates with her DH.

@Aprilx

I couldn’t be part of your friendship group with all the lying and secrets. And your sexist attitude towards the woman in this is really telling, particularly the way you say she leaves the father of her children to “babysit”.

I guess I used the term babysitting as he lives there a few days a week and went over on one of his non contact days. Anyway- will say childcare from now on. I am not remotely sexiest.

She's the only one doing this. Previously our group has been drama free, all married with dcs in our late 30s/early 40s.

The trouble is even when she separates from her DH, he is adamant they will be splitting, I feel it won't be the end of it. She constantly slags him off and if will be he did this, he did that all the time. Plus, this new guy is going to end in tears as she has got emotionally involved despite some of the stuff he is saying to her revealing that he's not that into her.

@ChargingBuck

I don't want her to think I am not supportive.

Oh dear OP, this mindset is going to make you unhappy - because your friend does not care what you think. All you are to her now is an audience for her endless shitshow about her DH & OM.
She's not interested in your feelings - so why are you worrying about being "supportive"?
The fact is, you don't support her behaviour. It's selfish, self-destructive, hypocritical, & boring/embarrassing for the friendship group.

Why don't you take a halfway measure for now, & see if it makes any difference?
Next time she opens her mouth to harp on about DH & OM, tell her "I'm not interested in hearing about your men tonight, so let's talk about anything else."
If she cannot find another topic of conversation ... leave her to it.

I feel sorry for the guy who is mates with her DH.

Yes- he's in a tricky situation. We all are really. Gosh- I don't know if I would have the guts to do that. My other friend also constantly brings it up whilst privately saying to me she is tired of it.

Yes- I don't think she does care about the feelings of everyone else. Thinking about it, apart from at the beginning her DH has actually kept everyone in the group out of it and doesn't talk about it as she does unless in private 1-1 sense.

We met up recently with her dd as she was talking to me about it with her dd right there! Apparently her dd who is only young has been through her messages on her phone between DH and the other man and so knows all about it. My friend is not subtle and discusses it despite who is there. I worry for her dd who plays them off against each other by reporting things she read/heard to the other.

She asked her husband to try again he said no im sure she feels small and humiliated by this and is seeking validation from this other man

Perhaps tell her she should officially seperate from her husband then she can get on with her life more openly

What a tricky situation OP. I would struggle to listen/support my friend through sleeping with a married man.

@Theunamedcat

She asked her husband to try again he said no im sure she feels small and humiliated by this and is seeking validation from this other man

Perhaps tell her she should officially seperate from her husband then she can get on with her life more openly

Yes I totally agree. Although he asked her and she said no a few months before that. So it is tic for tax. We have advised her to separate for the past year but she has not listened. She then turned to me the other day and admitted she should have done xyz - all the things we had advised her to.

I get she's mixed up and DH has messed with her head and he with hers. But she seems on a self destructive path and I am finding it hard to support her when I so disagree what she is doing. Especially being so open about it all when her primary aged dc is right there.

@Theunamedcat

She asked her husband to try again he said no im sure she feels small and humiliated by this and is seeking validation from this other man

Perhaps tell her she should officially seperate from her husband then she can get on with her life more openly

We have told her this multiple times. She is not wanting to listen to advice despite always asking for it.

I am meant to be meeting her for lunch next week. I find myself not looking forwards to it which I feel bad about.

I just can't listen to the dramas of does he like me/not like me about a married man who's surname she doesn't know. Who from what she says is giving clear signals that no- he's not that in to her.

I am not very good at saying things diplomatically and don't want to loose the friendship. But I keep things out his poor wife, turns out he has two young children too.

What shall I say when she she brings it up? My other friends and I have agreed to steer the conversation away from him or her DH.

@Migrainesbythedozen

Re the friend (I thought I answered that, sorry I mustn't have) just say to her "so now you know how OW (insert name of friend's DH's mistress) feels." That should make her squirm. Also tell her you don't want to hear about her affair when you're with her and that it will cause problems for your friendship if she brings it up.

She actually said to me I am now x (DH other women) I hadn't actually thought of it like that before. She won't mind if I said that as she's said it herself.

She just seems to have changed so much. I can't get my head around how she thinks it's ok to be with a married man with dcs when the same thing happened to her. She's on a dangerous path. I don't want to hear about it like it's done teen drama of he said this, he didn't text, what do you think?

I had a drama Queen friend like this. She got into one relationship drama after another and pulled everyone else along for the ride.

Involving her daughter is disgusting and could cause her daughter long term emotional issues around relationships. She’s teaching her daughter this is acceptable behaviour in relationships. She’s making her daughter take part in this drama. Massive Red Flag.

Can you not just say next time you meet up and she starts on again about the married man or her DP - “I love you X but can we not hark on all day about the same things. It’s getting emotionally draining listening to it and it’s not like you are actually resolving any issues, you are actively creating more.”

I’ve done this with a friend after listening to her for over 5 years about her DP and I realised outside of her telling me about how she hated him etc - we didn’t talk about anything else. Our relationship had turned into something that just revolved around her issues.

I’d say something to her. Maybe even in front of others. Because they are too chicken to say what they feel - then she can’t twist what you said.

I’d also point out that peoples DPs are hearing of this and it’s affecting other peoples in the groups relationships and it’s unfair making folks unwilling bystanders in her car crash life. She started the sexting. She immediately went out seeking sexual encounters at the first whiff of a problem. She needs to leave her DH and sort her shit out.

She actually said to me I am now x (DH other women)
I would ask her if that means she now hates herself as much as she hated X.
But I have low tolerance for hypocrisy. Or melodrama - which is what she's causing with her tawdry little soap opera.

I don't want to hear about it like it's done teen drama of he said this, he didn't text, what do you think?
"Friend - I don't want to hear about this again. Meaning unless you can find a topic of conversation that doesn't revolve around your affair, we're not going to have anything to talk about are we? So I suggest you do that, or stop seeing me for a while."

Really, OP.
She's being phenomenally selfish - not just with her double-standards & affair, but in recruiting you to be an unwilling, bored & pissed off audience. Just tell her to STFU!

I personally couldn't be supportive to someone who was behaving so shitty.

"I find what you both are doing to be quite disgusting tbh, and I do not support it in any way. Please don't talk about it with me anymore." If she doesn't respect that, which she probably won't because respect doesn't seem to exist here. Then tell her to do one.

When a friend constantly harps on about their problems and you are used as a sounding board but your advice is ignored, it's never comfortable. This is worse as you actively disapprove of her behaviour.

I think I'd avoid meeting up if possible. Or be absolutely clear you don't want to hear about any of it. A friend should be supportive and may not agree with all their friend's actions and decisions, but this is verging on abuse. She's not being a good friend to you. A therapist is what she needs.

The problem I’d have with her is the mental energy it takes for you and your friends to constantly be bombarded with stuff that’s nothing to do with you. It’s exhausting to listen to, whilst for her, it’s probably reinvigorating to have this wonderful audience on tap.
You really are wasting your time having anything to do with her at all. None of the time and energy you put in will be remembered or reciprocated. Definitely cut her loose.

@SGBK4682

When a friend constantly harps on about their problems and you are used as a sounding board but your advice is ignored, it's never comfortable. This is worse as you actively disapprove of her behaviour.

I think I'd avoid meeting up if possible. Or be absolutely clear you don't want to hear about any of it. A friend should be supportive and may not agree with all their friend's actions and decisions, but this is verging on abuse. She's not being a good friend to you. A therapist is what she needs.

That's the thing. I do want to be a good friend and supportive and have been for the past year with her DH. Even though she's not without fault too. But this is just another level. I think what's she's doing it terrible. But by telling her I don't want to listen to it means I am not being a supportive friend.

I think she's obviously feeling really low right now and I am sure this is an immediate reaction to the knock back from her DH. But it's a new 'relationship' which is never going to do anywhere. He has made it pretty clear IMO that she's just a bit of fun for sex, she's going along with it but letting him buy her very expensive gifts too. It just doesn't sit right.

I wouldn't mind so much if she actually wanted advice and listened to it but this 18 months have taught me she just wants someone to validate her opinion , what's she doing. She has no intention of doing anything but what she wants to do the very conversation is pointless too.