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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's female friend completely vanished since we got together

43 replies

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:20

He had known her for around 10 years and she had her own fiancee.

He did say there would be times when she'd disappear for a while and then come back, and seemed to have mental health problems.

Anyway he told me all about her, said we should all meet up and we would get on. She seemed highly extroverted and I am the opposite, I can be quite shy until I know people well and I think it put her off me which is fine.
She didn't seem interested in getting to know me better, I was nothing but kind to her and friendly but she had made some off comments about how she didn't really like when people were shy.

I was a bit hurt at the time but really don't care now.
Anyway my partner carried on trying to meet up with her individually but then she started to be very flaky, cancelling at the last minute.

Then, she'd make excuses as to why she couldn't meet with anyone, but then would post photos out with other friends.

My partner started asking mutual friends if he'd done something to upset her but they didn't seem to think so.

That was a while ago and not a word from her since, he is disappointed and doesn't understand.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't like me (simply for being quiet or whatever) and that's made her not want to spend time with him whilst he's with me, but surely that's a pretty cruel thing to do.

I don't think he has done anything to upset her, or maybe she didn't like the fact that he had a girlfriend now.
I have no idea, what do people think?

OP posts:

Pumpkinstace · 04/01/2022 17:22

Maybe it's not about you.

Original poster

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:22

I know it's only social media but she used to 'like' and comment on everything we both posted, now never does at all

OP posts:

Original poster

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:23

No it may not be, it's just odd as he didn't do anything wrong

OP posts:

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 04/01/2022 17:24

@Letthebodieshitthefloor

I know it's only social media but she used to 'like' and comment on everything we both posted, now never does at all

THE HORROR!

Original poster

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:24

No need for the sarcasm..

OP posts:

Suprima · 04/01/2022 17:25

It’s a very unpopular opinion- but male/female friendships can (note- not always) run into trouble because even if the relationship is platonic, there is still an undercurrent of possession and being ‘the man’ or ‘the woman’ in someone’s life.

Very few people actually are shagging their opposite sex pals- but this feeling of intimacy is much more common than people protest.

I would imagine he was her emotional support bloke, her fiancée is uncaring and she relied on him always being there for her- you’re in the picture now and it doesn’t quite work.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/01/2022 17:25

Meh. Her loss, right?

She sounds flaky AF.

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/01/2022 17:27

Maybe she’s got stuff going on and needs time. Don’t write her off just yet and don’t overthink it.

Has your partner tried to contact her to ask if she’s okay?

Pegasussnail · 04/01/2022 17:27

She may have had a little hope that something was going to happen with them and now realises it isn't
Try not to worry about it. Its out of your control

feyzer · 04/01/2022 17:28

When you think about it OP, who cares? It’s no loss to you. No loss U.K. him either. Life moves on.

There are some weird women who have this “my boys” mentality. Even when they’re in relationships of their own. We all have come across these types and they are a lost cause really. Don’t worry about it.

FieldOverFence · 04/01/2022 17:35

She may have realised (or always known ...) that she has feelings for him, and is now creating distance now that he is in a relationship ....could be a very wise thing to do

Original poster

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:38

Yeah even though she's been with her partner longer than I've been with mine, I did wonder if it was something like that, her wanting all his attention.

I feel bad for him as it was one of his best friendships

OP posts:

Ileflottante · 04/01/2022 17:39

She wants to boink your boyfriend and can’t handle you being around.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 17:45

No matter the replies you get, it’s all speculation until she actually says something about it or you actually ask her.

Unless this is having an effect on your relationship with your partner, why are you worried about it?

FoxgloveSummers · 04/01/2022 17:46

*It’s a very unpopular opinion- but male/female friendships can (note- not always) run into trouble because even if the relationship is platonic, there is still an undercurrent of possession and being ‘the man’ or ‘the woman’ in someone’s life.

Very few people actually are shagging their opposite sex pals- but this feeling of intimacy is much more common than people protest.*

This has a lot of truth in it - I don't think those involved are always aware either? E.g. I've had a gay friend "disappear" from our friendship when he got into (what turned out to be) his longest relationship. No reason why at all except he'd clearly replaced me I guess in terms of my "role"! Was weird at the time.

With the OP it's obviously the other way round but it doesn't sound much of a loss really, he's clearly used to her being unavailable for swathes of time.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 17:47

Hit preview and it posted.

Why are you giving it headspace? The most you can do is be supportive and leave it at that, not question and come up with reasons about someone you barely know.

TheNinny · 04/01/2022 18:15

She may/may not be attracted to him, but I’ve found in these situations they are annoyed they are not the ‘female’ focus of your guy any longer, even if it was a ‘just friends’ tag. When I’ve seen it happen, they ignore and wait to chased down again. Or get upset about how the guy doesn’t want to spend anytime with them anymore/you’ve taken him away. Either way, I would stay out of it as you’ll end up with the blame somehow, and support your man regardless of how it plays out. She’s likely wanting a reaction or validation somehow from your partner.

I had a male friend do this to me when I met DH, despite no fall out. He just vanished. Literally overnight. He had a history of falling out with other people and wanting to see the person grovel/chase/beg for forgiveness or for reasons why he’s mad at them. I knew my time would come at some point and just didn’t have the energy to pursue. We have seen each other at social events and chat and everything is all fine and polite but it’s been crickets since. He used to love it if he thought people were trying to find things out about him, and deliberately give nothing away. It’s hard to explain, but from my example, it was at my own mums funeral and I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I asked if/where he was working (normal question to friend you haven’t seen I thought) and it was a knowing smile, and an ‘oh I’m doing a few things,yes’ sort of answer. Haven’t heard from him since and doubt I ever will again 🤷‍♀️ He was a good friend in the past and I feel sad about this, but don’t need this drama in my life so it’s bye bye. Hopefully your partner is the same if it comes to it.

Eleganz · 04/01/2022 18:30

It does make you wonder whether your DP was her back up plan, even subconsciously.

Her no longer being around is probably a good thing so I wouldn't dwell on it.

Ozanj · 04/01/2022 18:35

It seems like she was fine with him and making an effort with you but then something happened. I would bet 100% it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your DP. Men do get very thoughtless to female friends when they find themselves in het relationships & maybe she’s had enough.

Potatodrivers · 04/01/2022 18:35

Maybe she feels pushed out and so has pulled away. Just thinking if she has MH issues, I know mine have presented in that way before, where I've felt that a new person on the scene is a much better option than me and I would be faded out soon enough that i might as well pull away now.

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 04/01/2022 18:39

Maybe it’s nothing to do with either of you at all. People have their own inner lives and not everything is about wanting to fuck your friend and being jealous of their girlfriend.

user1493494961 · 04/01/2022 18:39

I wouldn't give her any headspace.

Hertsgirl10 · 04/01/2022 18:43

Have you directly asked her why she doesn’t contact your partner anymore?
If you’re this bothered about it I would just say something like hey, bf has been worried he’s upset you or I have?

I’m betting they was a bit flirty and she’s lost her little bit of attention when you got with him.

RedCandyApple · 04/01/2022 18:47

Why do you care? I would be happy

HunkyPunk · 04/01/2022 18:47

Unless this is having an effect on your relationship with your partner, why are you worried about it?

The op said:
I feel bad for him as it was one of his best friendships

Sometimes you can feel bad for those you love, even if you’re not directly affected. Who knew?

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