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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner's female friend completely vanished since we got together

43 replies

Letthebodieshitthefloor · 04/01/2022 17:20

He had known her for around 10 years and she had her own fiancee.

He did say there would be times when she'd disappear for a while and then come back, and seemed to have mental health problems.

Anyway he told me all about her, said we should all meet up and we would get on. She seemed highly extroverted and I am the opposite, I can be quite shy until I know people well and I think it put her off me which is fine.
She didn't seem interested in getting to know me better, I was nothing but kind to her and friendly but she had made some off comments about how she didn't really like when people were shy.

I was a bit hurt at the time but really don't care now.
Anyway my partner carried on trying to meet up with her individually but then she started to be very flaky, cancelling at the last minute.

Then, she'd make excuses as to why she couldn't meet with anyone, but then would post photos out with other friends.

My partner started asking mutual friends if he'd done something to upset her but they didn't seem to think so.

That was a while ago and not a word from her since, he is disappointed and doesn't understand.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't like me (simply for being quiet or whatever) and that's made her not want to spend time with him whilst he's with me, but surely that's a pretty cruel thing to do.

I don't think he has done anything to upset her, or maybe she didn't like the fact that he had a girlfriend now.
I have no idea, what do people think?

OP posts:

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 04/01/2022 18:51

OP, you could drive yourself mad speculating and overthinking about this, but you’ll never know what’s going on unless she chooses to tell you. Unless it’s causing some kind of issue in your relationship, file it under “not my problem” and concentrate on having a nice time with your boyfriend.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 19:32

*The op said:
I feel bad for him as it was one of his best friendships

Sometimes you can feel bad for those you love, even if you’re not directly affected. Who knew?*

And who knew if you scrolled up and read the rest of my reply expanding on what I meant that you would have not needed to comment.

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 19:33

@HunkyPunk

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/01/2022 20:02

Maybe she feels that it would be inappropriate to be around him so much when he has a partner?

After all, if she read MN boards, all she'd see was assertions that she was only there to jump his bones and whatever OP it was being told to put her foot down and prevent the emotional and guaranteed-to-be-physical-at-some-point affair.

FOJN · 04/01/2022 20:06

I would bet 100% it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your DP. Men do get very thoughtless to female friends when they find themselves in het relationships & maybe she’s had enough.

I would agree this is a possibility and an experience I've had with the same person twice. Whatever has made her pull away I would not imagine it has anything to do with you and even if it was there is nothing you can do about it. Let your partner decide what he's happy with in his friendships and if she reappears then you only have to be polite, you're not obliged to work on developing a close friendship with her.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 20:09

Friendships wax and wane. Why do you have such an interest? Does your OH keep going on about it? If not don't sweat it.

SeasonFinale · 04/01/2022 20:17

It was one of his best friendships .....

whilst he didn't have a girlfriend and was always available to be at her back and call.

TitoMojito · 04/01/2022 20:23

Some people are just flaky. I've had a few friends like this who just disappear. It's annoying and you wonder what you did wrong but usually it's just them and their own issues.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 04/01/2022 20:24

My dh has a friend like this when we got together. She couldn't handle it that she wasnt centre of his attention any more. He continued to try but she got really flaky and kept trying to meet up with him when she knew we had a date arranged. You're lucky she's just gone quiet, dhs friend turned on me and made my life a misery (we all worked together). He cut her off after that.

WonderfulYou · 04/01/2022 21:01

I know it's only social media but she used to 'like' and comment on everything we both posted, now never does at all

It’s obviously nothing to do with either of you then unless he’s done something you upset her which he hasn’t told you about.

Sometimes friendships just fade out and I think it’s nice for your boyfriend to keep in touch and check in on her incase she’s going through anything but ultimately a friendship is a two-way thing, if she doesn’t make much effort then it’s time he did the same.

VikingOnTheFridge · 04/01/2022 21:04

@feyzer

When you think about it OP, who cares? It’s no loss to you. No loss U.K. him either. Life moves on.

There are some weird women who have this “my boys” mentality. Even when they’re in relationships of their own. We all have come across these types and they are a lost cause really. Don’t worry about it.

It does sound like it might be one of these. Her having her own partner doesn't necessarily mean there isn't that weird territorial my boy/s thing going on.

That said, people move on, relationships change, for all kinds of reasons. It happens. It is what it is.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2022 21:15

I’m not in this camp that believes men and women can’t ever have true platonic friendships.

But I think there are certain “intimate” (but non romantic) dynamics which can develop between men and women which become a relationship substitute. They fulfil all of the needs in a romantic relationship bar the sex/commitment. When one of the “partners” finds a bona fide relationship it can put unsustainable pressure on the friendship.

She may or may not actually be jealous - and you will probably never know - but she may just feel uncomfortable and that she is at risk of overstepping a boundary. She probably feels awkward and uncomfortable.

I had a very close male platonic friend for nearly 20 years. Nothing ever happened and there was no attraction (certainly not on my side, I don’t believe on his either), but we were very close and he was a sort of boyfriend substitute.

When he hooked up with the woman who is his life partner and the mother of his kid I sort of instinctively withdrew. There was no falling out but it was very clear that to maintain the kind of relationship we had had would have been an imposition on them and probably not good for me.

It happens and to be honest it’s probably healthier than not to have some distance introduced into their relationship. You may find over time he creates space in his life for you. For now I would be gracious and not get involved. You have no idea what is going through her head and she’s unlikely to be influenced by you. Que sera etc.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/01/2022 21:16

Make space for her, sorry

Bonnealle · 04/01/2022 22:54

Maybe I’m missing something, but he said she goes through periods like this. Surely this is that? I think you’re reading too much into this. Just leave her be and when she feels better she’ll be in contact and you can get to know her then.

RedHelenB · 05/01/2022 06:40

@Letthebodieshitthefloor

Yeah even though she's been with her partner longer than I've been with mine, I did wonder if it was something like that, her wanting all his attention.

I feel bad for him as it was one of his best friendships

Has he tried to arrange meetings just him or do they always involve you?

Barnybrown · 05/01/2022 15:05

I think you should just stay out of it - it’s your partner’s friendship and not really any of your business.

How long have you been together?

Just stay out of it and allow him the space to have his own friendships and to resolve issues within those friendships himself

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/01/2022 15:26

Hmm, I've had friends who I've distanced myself from because I don't like their partners.
Sounds harsh but honestly it was the best thing for me personally.

One friend ALWAYS wanted to include their partner in everything we did (she was in a relationship with another woman so always said that the 'girls' can be together) and I just didn't get on with her. I thought she did whatever she could to show off and be the extreme version of herself wherever possible. It was difficult to do anything without entering into a game of one-up-manship with her and very tiring.
Raised this with my friend as gently as I could and she either didn't listen or didn't care so I just removed myself from the friendship.

Perhaps she finds your shyness too much to handle? It is difficult when one person won't/can't give anything back. Maybe she thinks your partner has changed since he's been with you?

Could be any number of reasons why the friendship has fizzled out

Purpleraspberry · 05/01/2022 15:49

I don't think it is anything to do with you being shy, I think it might be an attention thing. If she is extroverted, I am going to hazard a guess that she likes attention. Maybe she enjoyed being the centre of your partner's attention while he was single, and you being on the scene has changed that so she has pulled back because was getting annoyed? She doesn't necessarily want anything with your partner but liked his attention.

Or, perhaps she is just feeling down and has withdrawn from socialising for a while.

Either way, I'd leave it be and tell your partner to either send a message to see if she is ok, or leave it and she will reappear at some point.

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