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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can’t face pregnant friend

33 replies

Desperatelytired1 · 04/01/2022 13:38

Trying to get a little perspective..

In November I lost a very wanted baby due to severe chromosomal issues that weren’t compatible with life, at 21 weeks. Before loosing dd, I had 3 miscarriages in 12 months. Dd and me have decided that we cannot try again, we’ve experienced so much sadness and anxiety in the past 18 months that we don’t think we can take anymore and are chasing something that isn’t going to happen for us. We have a beautiful dd age 6 and have decided that it’s unfair on her and we should be grateful for what we have.

One of my friends announced she was pregnant, not long after my 12 week scan ( everything was fine at this point). We were due within a month of each other. I haven’t been able to face her after loosing my daughter. She hasn’t really been in touch with me and each time has been me texting first.

AIBU not seeing her? The thought of seeing her bump makes me feel so upset, that she is getting what I should have but will never get breaks my heart. I wish her well and to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, but I can’t imagine ever being around her again. I hate that I feel this way. X

OP posts:

bluemondae · 04/01/2022 13:41

I think she probably understands this and it's why she's not been in touch. I would understand if you were my friend. Don't beat yourself up, you have been through so much.

You can resume your friendship once you've healed a bit if you feel up for it.

bluemondae · 04/01/2022 13:41

I'm so sorry for your losses. Look after yourself. Put yourself first.

Rrrob · 04/01/2022 13:46

Totally understandable. Dd1 died 3 years ago (yesterday) and I still haven’t seen a friend who was pregnant at the same time/ dd born 2 weeks later. Mine is an extreme example and hopefully over time you will feel able to see her again. Other friends (eg those from our nct group), I do now see (both mums and children) but it took time, and patience/ understanding from them.

I would suggest letting her know how you’re feeling. I’m sure she is anxious to do the “right” thing for you.

1dayatatime · 04/01/2022 13:50

YANBU and big hugs.

Right now you are in a fragile state of mind and as you say if you see her it cause you considerable further upset and you may even say things to your friend that you will later regret.

IMO the best approach is to message with the words you wrote so beautifully:

I wish her well and to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, but the thought of seeing her bump makes me feel so upset and breaks my heart.

She should fully understand and appreciate your situation. If for any reason she takes offence then that is a reflection on her and not you.

Please stay strong 💐

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 04/01/2022 13:53

YANBU. It is so very hard seeing people pregnant when you desperately want to be. Knocks you sick. But make sure you talk to her...let her know it's not personal.

If this helps at all I have a similar story. One healthy baby followed by 3 miscarriages and referral to recurrent pregnancy loss clinic. Then a fourth miscarriage at 10 weeks, the baby had triploidy. I didn't even know whether to go to the RPL clinic because I thought we are finished here. But I did, they didn't really find anything wrong except for low vitamin D which they gave me a high loading dose to correct.

Anyway. We didn't try and didn't prevent for the next 2 years and eventually ended up pregnant, and staying pregnant with my little DD.

I hope it doesn't annoy you that I've told you this, we all have our own paths and i know that just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen for you. But you might be surprised before all is said and done

Phrenologistsfinger · 04/01/2022 14:21

YANBU at all

You need to look after yourself. In similar position and feel justified doing same. True friends will get it.

AdmiralCain · 04/01/2022 14:22

Totally understandable, after the loss of a wanted pregnancy I was very hyper sensitive to every tv advert and facebook post about babies. It might have taken 6 months? to slightly move on, I wouldn't visit friends with babies and if I'm being honest I don't think I congratulated any friends who'd just fallen pregnant. It just felt like the biggest kick in the face.

Hemingwayscatz · 04/01/2022 14:26

I was the friend in this situation. My best friend fell pregnant a few months after I did, she lost her baby at 21 weeks and I had a healthy baby at this point. She couldn’t see me and my baby which I totally understood and I never mentioned him to her. I suspect your friend doesn’t know what to say to you and is being considerate of your feelings by not mentioning her pregnancy.

Lottapianos · 04/01/2022 14:28

No, you're not unreasonable at all. I don't blame you for not wanting to see her. Do you feel that you could text her to let her know how you're feeling, or is it all too painful?

CoastalWave · 04/01/2022 14:28

Totally understandable. In time you will be able to I'm sure. I lost our baby at 17 weeks. It was 11 years ago now and to be honest, I don't grieve over the date or give it too much headspace. on a daily basis. But then I"m quite a matter of fact person and don't believe it's healthy to grieve indefinitely.

BUT this has just happened to you. Your friend will understand and actually it makes it very difficult for her too. It's difficult to celebrate when you know a friend feels pain from your celebration?

Try not to worry about it too much. It's something you will need to live with as I found myself crying in the supermarket at every woman with a baby. It just wasn't sustainable longtime.

Enjoy and feel thankful for the blessings you have today - that was my advice I received which helped me.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/01/2022 14:32

Yanbu. It's possible she is holding back on contacting you as she has the same concerns about upsetting you in return.

If and when you feel ready, maybe send her a note to say that you appreciate the distance between the two of you at the moment, hope she understands.

CurbsideProphet · 04/01/2022 14:39

I'm so sorry 💐 Please do what feels right for you 💐

I had an IVF miscarriage (my 2nd) earlier this year. My friend had also miscarried this year and is now pregnant again. I feel awful but seeing her would be too hard for me. She hasn't messaged me in a while so I'm just leaving it for now.

I had to spend the day with in laws and their new baby at Christmas which was excruciating for me. I don't have much choice about seeing them, but I can manage who else I see. I think that people who haven't been through it just can't imagine the pain.

LowlandsAway · 04/01/2022 14:40

Agree with PP that it sounds like she’s already aware this might be too hard for you at the moment so is pulling back on contact until you’re in a better place. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Tinpo · 04/01/2022 14:40

I totally understand how you are feeling. I've been going through recurrent pregnancy loss for the last 4 years. A couple of which were around the same pregnancy stage as yours. I find pregnancy and birth announcements so hard, and have still never congratulated a single person who's had a baby in the time I've been going though this - I can't even bring myself to click 'like' on a Facebook post. It probably sounds bizarre to anyone who hasn't been through it, but it's like if I don't acknowledge it then maybe it's less real.

I made a lot of new friends through baby loss support groups, but sadly a lot of the time they have gone on to have their healthy 'rainbows' and I've just continued to lose more and more babies, and even those friendships become awkward for both sides.

I don't really have any advice except that you need to protect your heart, and if that means some time away from your friend then she should understand that. I think in time once her baby is a fully formed person with their own personality, ie. not just a newborn, then maybe you will find it easier to see her.

I wish you all the best with your lovely DD - I also have one older child and I know that if our journey for a second ends (which it will one way or another this year) then the three of us will still have a lovely life together. The pain is still so raw but things will get better.

FlasherMcGruff · 04/01/2022 14:55

It’s incredibly difficult when the timing of a pregnancy or a birth coincides with your own loss because it’s a continual / recurring reminder of what you have lost. Just when you think you are feeling better, the friend’s baby brings it all back. I’ve been there. Not unreasonable at all. All you can do is what is kindest to yourself, and if that means avoiding being around the baby, then that’s what you need to do. I spent two entire years totally unable to deal with the grief of being near babies in restaurants or pregnancy announcements. It does get better

Stade197 · 04/01/2022 14:56

Yanbu

Ive seen both sides of this issue and I think your friend should understand

After an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago I couldn't face seeing friends who were pregnant/having babies at the time as it was just too hard for me

I had a baby 4 months ago and a close friend had 2 MCs around that time so I completely understand why she hasn't been to see us and I wouldnt want to put any pressure on to her to see us either

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 14:57

When I was going through ivf after trying to conceive for years, a good friend fell pregnant immediately on trying. I just couldn't face it all at all. She completely understood.

ijustdontknowabout · 04/01/2022 15:11

It's very hard I had a loss after baby had issues and my best friend and both neighbours had babies around the time I was due. Once the babies arrived weirdly it seemed ok. I didn't think I could try again, but I did and had a baby a year later. I understand OP that you might not wish to try again, but yanbu

BlingLoving · 04/01/2022 15:12

I honestly don't think how you are feeling is unreasonable. If she is a good friend and you can face it, I would send her a message saying you are happy for her and it's not her at all but that for right now you just can't be around her and that you hope she understands because you do love her and hope to feel better and stronger in due course. But if you can't, you can't.

I suspect b based on what you've written that she is already sensitive to it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. x

LittleGwyneth · 04/01/2022 15:46

I don't think any sane person would resent you for this. Take the space that you need and don't feel guilty. I'm so sorry for your losses

Emerald5hamrock · 04/01/2022 15:51

She will understand.
It looks like she is giving you space.
I'm very sorry for your losses.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 04/01/2022 16:00

Very sorry for your loss OP. It’s fine. You have enough on, please don’t beat yourself up about contacting your friend. Sounds like she’s got a good sense of where you’re at

NorthSouthcatlady · 04/01/2022 16:07

YANBU you have been through a lot and need to put yourself first

NorthSouthcatlady · 04/01/2022 16:09

@Tinpo l know where you’re coming from. We had a few friends and acquaintances with fertility issues. They have all got their happy endings but nothing for us and even IVF doesn’t seem to work (we are contemplating a 3rd and final cycle but who knows). We are the last ones left, obviously it has to be someone but no one wants it to be them

Kloerose · 04/01/2022 16:23

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