Can’t face pregnant friend

[Desperatelytired1]

Trying to get a little perspective..

In November I lost a very wanted baby due to severe chromosomal issues that weren’t compatible with life, at 21 weeks. Before loosing dd, I had 3 miscarriages in 12 months. Dd and me have decided that we cannot try again, we’ve experienced so much sadness and anxiety in the past 18 months that we don’t think we can take anymore and are chasing something that isn’t going to happen for us. We have a beautiful dd age 6 and have decided that it’s unfair on her and we should be grateful for what we have.

One of my friends announced she was pregnant, not long after my 12 week scan ( everything was fine at this point). We were due within a month of each other. I haven’t been able to face her after loosing my daughter. She hasn’t really been in touch with me and each time has been me texting first.

AIBU not seeing her? The thought of seeing her bump makes me feel so upset, that she is getting what I should have but will never get breaks my heart. I wish her well and to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, but I can’t imagine ever being around her again. I hate that I feel this way. X

I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through.
I’m sure your friend understands. Maybe send her a message, wishing her well and saying that due to circumstances you’re staying out of the picture for now.

I hope in time you and your DP recover from your losses. You need time to grieve in private and process all you’ve been through. Remember your GP is there to help as well as organisations that can be contacted online.

@Desperatelytired1 So sorry for your loss.

I had a couple of losses very close together while trying for my DS. A close friend / colleague announced a multiple pregnancy during the first loss and honestly wasn't especially sensitive. I did try to explain how hard it was feeling it would never happen for us and watching her bloom a metre away from me 30 hours a week, but I don't think she really cared. Gender reveals at work, calls from hospital about how wonderfully it was all going on the day I found out about another loss etc. I'm afraid I had to push her away. I did explain but she took offence I wasn't leaping in joy for her. I knew her babies didn't have any effect on my losses, I'm not stupid, but the pain was breathtaking. Sounds like your friend is a decent person and probably understands more than you know.

I did go on to have another loss and then 2 more children, but we never recovered our friendship and I'm glad. A true friend will understand and be sensitive. I did tell my 'friend' and ask for understanding but she never really got it or tried and despite me hanging on to hope she just defriended me and moved on to pastures new.

Baby loss is a particular grief and you handle it the way you need. Maybe a message to say you are thinking of her but need a little time?

If I were your friend there is absolutely no way I would be expecting to hear from you, and would assume I was the last person you wanted to speak to. It's lovely that you're reaching out, but I doubt it's expected. Take your time, I'm sure she'll be there for you when you're ready.

Goodness, you've really been through the mill. You must be absolutely emotionally exhausted and it is completely understandable that you don't want to see your pregnant friend. I only had one miscarriage but in the same week my SIL gave birth and I couldn't face seeing my new nephew and my other SIL announced her pregnancy a few weeks later and I couldn't bare to see her and just cried all the time. I'm sure your friend understands, do what is best for your mental health,

@LimpLettice sorry to hear this. Some people are so self absorbed and heartless. I too had a “friend” who was especially insensitive to our situation. She hated being challenged about it and wouldn’t change. Whilst being very condescending e.g. the day she told me to be “patient”. We had been trying for 3 years at that point and 1 round of failed IVF. She lost her shit after it took her 5 months to conceive her 1st and l was nothing but supportive . In contrast she thought she had fertility issues

Yanbu at all. I've experienced TFMR twice, it is horrendous, we're still reeling from the second a month on.

A friend told me they were expecting a few days ago (they don't know about our second tfmr) and will be due at a similar time as I should have been. It honestly took the wind out of my sails (secretly, I wouldn't have wanted to make get feel awkward) and I'm going to struggle seeing her bump grow as the weeks pass, and then with a baby.

After my first loss, I couldn't bear to be bear a woman who was due the same week as I was. I had to block her on social media, extracted myself from WhatsApp groups with her in etc. You absolutely have to protect yourself and survive as best as you can, especially in the early days.

Are you being supported? There are groups on here, message me and I can send you the link. And SANDS and Tommy's on Fb and IG are very active and helpful. I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling baby🌹

Ah @NorthSouthcatlady it's a few years under the bridge now and while not forgotten, I have realised that perhaps this person was chaotic and unkind, and I was naive and took the friendship as something it wasn't. What hurt at the time was that she had been with an unstable, awful man for five minutes while I was getting married and very settled, and so it felt a bit like she was trying to outdo me. I know, I know, other peoples life choices are nothing to do with me, but it all felt personal. The grapevine tells me I'm not far wrong.

Anyway OP I don't think your friend sounds remotely like that. I know you don't want to go through it again and I don't blame you at all, I felt much the same. I had a thread on here wondering about how much more we could take. Unbeknownst to me DS1 was already on the way and it did pan out. It can, but it sounds like a very wise, thoughtful choice not to keep hurting yourselves and focus on looking after your DD. I wish you peace.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. Sorry for only just getting back. I was reading and running 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Just for abit of context, this pregnant friend is well aware of my feelings. I had text her about this. This came about around a month ago when a mutual friend asked to visit me. I said yes, but the day of the visit the mutual friend said that pregnant friend was coming. This made me so anxious and upset, I felt as though I’d been ‘tricked’. I’m due at an event of a friends and my pregnant friend will be there. I feel as though I have two options, go putting on a brave face and see how it pans out or make my excuses and don’t attend. My problem is purely seeing this pregnant friend.

Thank you for all you personal experiences, as awful as it is for us all, it’s nice to know I’m not some crazy lady 🤣.

It’s also reassuring to hear success stories, although it’s not our chosen path at the moment you never know.

❤️ X x