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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Switching bedrooms

51 replies

workingtheusername · 03/01/2022 21:15

So I have 2 adult dc and 1 child dc. One of the adult dc has moved out a few months ago but visits every couple of months for a weekend, the other is at uni comes home every few weeks. We have 3 double bedrooms and 1 single room. Currently the 2 adult dc have a double bedroom each as does myself with dh. Child dc has single bedroom. When dc 1 moved out I mentioned swapping bedrooms with youngest child but didn't say when. She seemed fine about it so I brought it up again a month or so later and mentioned doing it after Xmas. She got really upset and said she feels pushed out as the room she would have is tiny and wouldn't fit all her stuff in should she need to move back. I would prefer child dc to have the larger room to fit toys in and clear some space downstairs plus they can't play in room currently as it's so small. But I don't want dc1 to feel unwelcome. AIBU to swap their bedroom.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 03/01/2022 21:21

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to swap when the other DC’s are not there all the time, and potentially might not come back at all after Uni. Maybe have a chat with your DC’s when things are calmer and explain the reasons why it’s right for your younger child to have a bigger room.

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/01/2022 21:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Chloemol · 03/01/2022 21:23

I would move rooms. If ,and it’s a big if, they ever need to move back in them you can revisit rooms then

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/01/2022 21:25

Of course child dc, who actually lives at home, should have the biggest room. If the eldest has properly moved out - ie has got an all year round home - they should be the one to swap rather than the Uni student.

And I say this as an eldest child!

MadMadMadamMim · 03/01/2022 21:27

Yep, adult dc who lives elsewhere and only comes for a weekend every couple of months does not get to reserve a large bedroom for her occasional use, whilst their sibling sleeps in a small room every night.

They can't hang onto it in case they might move back. That's unreasonable.

Hankunamatata · 03/01/2022 21:28

The adult dc that has moved out needs to get a grip. Wouldn't have occurred for me to say anything to her as she has moved out.

zoeFromCity · 03/01/2022 21:42

The living in child needs space.
Either simple swap with the oldest, or making some arrangement as one big room for the small child, second big equipped for both adults (if they typically visit on different weekends, with separate space for stuff for each) and small room as a general spare room - used by one of them if both adult children are in the house, relax space when not.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 03/01/2022 21:56

Agree with everyone saying that the DC who has moved out gets the smallest room for their intermittent visits and youngest DC gets bigger room. If things change in the future, then you can look at different arrangements but they don't get to keep the larger room 'just in case', that's not fair. It might be hard for them to adjust to growing up and moving on, and it's okay to have empathy with that, but they don't get to dictate how everyone else lives in a house they no longer actually live in.

mdh2020 · 03/01/2022 22:02

DD had a large bedroom and younger DS was in the small bedroom. When DD was on her gap year she insisted that they swap rooms. Visiting DC don’t need a large room.

gogohm · 03/01/2022 22:04

Of course switch unless there's a reason she might be back imminently eg short term contract away

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 03/01/2022 22:05

Is this her first time moving out and being financially independent? Id say she worried because at the back of her mind she had a safety net and now it's being yanked from under her in her mind. Id be nice to her and remind her that this will always be her home and if the worst comes of course there will be room for all her stuff until she gets back on her feet. Id also ask if everything is going well - it sounds like she was well up for the idea before she moved out and perhaps before reality hit. I wouldn't mention the room swop again- you've told her it's happening, it's your house, you don't need to talk her around. But she might need a little emotional cuddle.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2022 22:14

Oh yes. Swap. The youngest is there full time. The oldest is being a child about it.

It's the youngests time now to have their own space to grow into.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/01/2022 22:34

I'd be talking about it in terms of taking turns - they have had x number of years in the big room and it is fair for their sibling to get a turn.

Pixilicious · 03/01/2022 22:35

Our eldest DC moved out and our youngest DC was in there the next day. Youngest DC had been eyeing the room once they new eldest was moving out. Not up for discussion, why would you save a room for someone who no longer lives there? If they move back then they will have to make do with the small room.

DeepaBeesKit · 03/01/2022 22:36

Yanbu. This is standard.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2022 22:36

Your post is unclear, is it the eldest child yout wish to take the room off and they are not at uni?

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/01/2022 22:38

One of the adult dc has moved out a few months ago but visits every couple of months for a weekend

No way should this person get to dictate rooms and insist on keeping hold of the larger room for themselves.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2022 22:38

One has moved out fully- comes back every couple months for a weekend. one is in uni - comes back every few weeks.

Redglitter · 03/01/2022 22:42

I'd say the one at uni is different. My niece has gone to uni but her uni accommodation is 'up the road' her family home is home & her bedroom is there for her.

If someone has left home to live in their own place then they give up the right to a bedroom. Priority should be for the one still at home. The one who's left home is being ridiculous expecting their room to remain. Even IF they moved back it would probably only be temporary. Give the youngest a decent sized room

Clymene · 03/01/2022 22:43

She's a an adult who has moved out of home. She doesn't get to dictate what you do with the rooms in your house and it's unreasonable for her to ask you to

Talipesmum · 03/01/2022 22:46

Moved out to uni, or moved out moved out?

RandomMess · 03/01/2022 22:55

If either uni DC or other adult DC move back full time they get the other double room.

You can't keep the youngest bin the single room just in case both adult DC decide to come home permanently.

irene9 · 03/01/2022 22:56

It depends on the adult child how this will affect them. As another poster said, it could feel destabilising for them. The family home remains the secure base for quite a few years. The adult child might seem all grown up, but a factor of feeling safe to explore new adventures is supported by the fact they know their place in the family nest is there. Reassure her of that.
If possible get them to help with the moving of roons, don't do it when they are away.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2022 22:58

@SickAndTiredAgain

One of the adult dc has moved out a few months ago but visits every couple of months for a weekend

No way should this person get to dictate rooms and insist on keeping hold of the larger room for themselves.

Agree, but It’s not really clear if this is the person being asked to move, and why they feel they may need to move back, which does make it sound like the uni child is being asked.

I don’t know if the op is being deliberately unclear or it’s just poorly written.

bcc89 · 03/01/2022 22:59

Of course when you move out, you lose your bedroom Confused

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