Switching bedrooms

[workingtheusername]

So I have 2 adult dc and 1 child dc. One of the adult dc has moved out a few months ago but visits every couple of months for a weekend, the other is at uni comes home every few weeks. We have 3 double bedrooms and 1 single room. Currently the 2 adult dc have a double bedroom each as does myself with dh. Child dc has single bedroom. When dc 1 moved out I mentioned swapping bedrooms with youngest child but didn't say when. She seemed fine about it so I brought it up again a month or so later and mentioned doing it after Xmas. She got really upset and said she feels pushed out as the room she would have is tiny and wouldn't fit all her stuff in should she need to move back. I would prefer child dc to have the larger room to fit toys in and clear some space downstairs plus they can't play in room currently as it's so small. But I don't want dc1 to feel unwelcome. AIBU to swap their bedroom.

It depends on the adult child how this will affect them.

What about the younger child, left in a small room because their sibling’s occasional visits are deemed more important?

They are being ridiculous and are lucky to still have a single room after moving out!

They’ve enjoyed a double room for years, now time to pass baton to the next child.

@bcc89

Of course when you move out, you lose your bedroom

For me that’s not automatic if it’s a kid at uni.

I think we need the op to come back and clarify. Op why after Christmas? You’ve not asked the uni kid who was back for Xmas to give their room up right? It’s the older non uni one?

When my elder sister married and moved out, younger sister and I did her a favour and cleared out all her remaining possessions, loaded them into the car and delivered them to her house. Elder sister was not best pleased but younger sister could then move into the vacant bedroom. No one who moves out should expect a double room to be available just in case they want to move back in again.

My brother hadn’t even got the end of the street when he went to uni before I was moving my stuff to his room. He had a massive warm and bright double and I had been stuck with a tiny cold and dark box room. When he came to visit he had to stay in the small room, that not all ad he was only there for a short period. Tell your oldest to get back and clear out all rubbish so she can fit it into the small room.

@Talipesmum

Moved out to uni, or moved out moved out?

Out out she's finished uni.

@ bluntness not trying to be unclear it's eldest child that has moved out. She has a year lease on rental but does not intend to move back unless she loses job or something.

@Bluntness100

I think we need the op to come back and clarify. Op why after Christmas? You’ve not asked the uni kid who was back for Xmas to give their room up right? It’s the older non uni one?

Yes older one she moved out in September. The after Xmas was purely down to not wanting to do it before as would need painting and thinking of putting new carpet in. Also to make sure she was settled in new place and to prepare her.

If your eldest has to move back home, it will be a bind. If this happens, you’ll have to address storing her stuff in other rooms but it is the turn of your youngest to have a bigger bedroom. If there are younger children to consider, she can’t expect to have a bedroom in house or a whole apartment somewhere else and a double bedroom in her family home just in case.

YANBU the child at home gets the bigger room my parents did the same when my older sisters moved and I got their room just swap the rooms she'll get over it

Mine wasn’t happy either, but it’s tough.

@trulyconfuseddotcom

Agree with everyone saying that the DC who has moved out gets the smallest room for their intermittent visits and youngest DC gets bigger room. If things change in the future, then you can look at different arrangements but they don't get to keep the larger room 'just in case', that's not fair. It might be hard for them to adjust to growing up and moving on, and it's okay to have empathy with that, but they don't get to dictate how everyone else lives in a house they no longer actually live in.

This. Your children are in a pretty luxurious position in having a room of their own to come home to anyway — when I left our small, overcrowded house aged 18 for university, my small room immediately went to my next sister, who’d been sharing a room with two other sisters. I was on the sofa when I came back in the vac.

DC1 expects a double bedroom to stay empty just in case they ever need to move back, while DC3 and toys are squeezed into a tiny room that DC1 says would be too small for DC1?

that's totally unfair. Of course you should swap.

@workingtheusername

@ bluntness not trying to be unclear it's eldest child that has moved out. She has a year lease on rental but does not intend to move back unless she loses job or something.

Then they have moved out and you have supportive conversation that they need to be fair to their younger sibling.

The older child sounds a bit to me, they can't expect a room to be left empty. We've not had this in our family, people know we will still be here if needed but rooms are not kept unused.

Whoever is there the most gets the biggest room so if adult out dc had to move home then uni dc can go into smallest room. Can you open a dialogue to check that all is well with oldest dc and there isn't something specific bothering them?

The oldest daughter has left home so that room then goes to the child who lives there permanently. In terms of actual nights spent in that room the youngest child will have 365 nights a year compared to how many by the eldest? 12? 20?

How can your eldest justify that? She still has a place to come back to but the room will just be smaller. She is being ridiculous thinking that room will be hers forever. There is a sibling who needs it now.

Uni DC keeps their room, they are away maybe 30 weeks a year (Ds is) so home for 22.

Absolutely switch rooms!

As it’s the one who has her own place now and has moved ‘out out’ then of course your dc living at home should have a bigger bedroom.

It’s not unreasonable for your older dc to feel wobbly about it. Everyone deals with change differently. Sounds as though she needs reassurance about ‘home and family’ as she becomes indépendant. Not unusual. You just need to help the process.
Loads of kids have no choice, never had a room of their own anyway or have less need for gentle handling - that’s fine too.
No question your dc should move to the bigger room.

If elders has properly moved out then no question the younger dc gets the bigger room. Seems pretty normal to me.
If child is still at uni then bit of a grey area as likely has not been able to take all stuff and conceivably might come back after.

I didn’t have siblings but when I moved out after finishing uni I was “moved” to a smaller room so that my df could use my room as an office. Didn’t occur to me to question!

I think if she’s out out then it’s only fair she gives up the room, you can say if she needs to move back you can think again about what’s best. It’s not right she keeps the bigger room in this instance.

My mum redecorated my room as a guest room when I went to university, so hadn't technically even moved out yet! Any of my stuff left behind went in boxes in the loft. This is unlike DH who still, aged 47, has his bedroom still at his parents' house!