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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? In laws visiting after baby

30 replies

NameChanged15729 · 03/01/2022 17:59

Partly inspired by another thread but I wanted to know whether what I’m asking is reasonable because I’ve genuinely lost sight and I don’t know.

I’m due baby number three at the end of the month and I’m aware that a few people will be keen to visit. I don’t mind the majority of family members coming because they are local and won’t expect to be hosted for hours on end. My problem is with the in laws. In particular mil and step fil. I will be honest from the outset and say that I cannot abide sfil. I’m very nearly at the point of banning him from the house which I had a thread about not that long ago. He was told in no uncertain terms why we were angry at him and on the last visit he behaved himself. I don’t believe it will last but that’s another thread.

Anyway back to the question! They will probably want to visit the week after the birth. My issue is they stay for so bloody long and don’t offer any practical help. They are the type of relations that expect a buffet to be prepared for them and constant tea and coffee top ups. They make massive amounts of mess as they insist on offloading items they don’t want on us. They literally bring bag for life’s of stuff that I don’t want, anything from mugs they don’t want, old clothes, half eaten yellow sticker food that went out of date the day before.... etc. They stay for hours on end. Arriving at around 11 and sometimes not leaving until 8. By the time they leave usually every single mug, dish and piece of cutlery needs washing, piles of stuff they have brought with them is amassed in the hall way and my oldest child is so hyped up that getting them calm and ready for bed in impossible. While the youngest is upset and out of sorts because she has severe sen and doesn’t like people invading her home.

I’m also still reeling from their visit when my youngest was a newborn. I did insist to dh that they left at around 6pm or I would not be responsible for my actions. All of the above mentioned had happened and they were settling in for another round of drinks when I went in ds’s room to find sister in law had opened a brand new play doh set and let ds grind it into the carpet when she’d offered to play with him. It was a brand new carpet which she was aware of.

And breath! So would I be unreasonable to tell dh that they can visit but he has to make it clear it’s for two hours and no longer?
Part of me feels bad because they have to travel around two and a half hours to get here but the thought of hosting them for 8+ hours after having a baby fills me with dread.

OP posts:

TooWicked · 03/01/2022 18:04

I feel anxious just reading your post. Of course YANBU.

If DH doesn't get the message across you should refuse to do anything at all to prepare or host or clean up after them. Leave it all to him.

Spend two hours with them and then take yourself and baby off upstairs.

"It's been nice seeing you, I'm going to get this little fella down for a nap and have a sleep myself... DH can you bring me a cup of tea and a sandwich up in 2 hours, thanks love".

And literally leave him to it.

newtolineofduty · 03/01/2022 18:06

Not unreasonable at all! I'd be really transparent from the out set too in terms of politely requesting they don't bring stuff as they would usually (pretend your New Years resolution is to declutter or something), and say things have been crazy with the baby so you won't be able to provide any more than a sandwich and a cuppa! Reuse the same mug to minimise washing up x good luck OP and congrats on the baby! X

negomi90 · 03/01/2022 18:08

If they aren't too far can you go to theirs? Then any mess made is theirs to clean up. Its easier to leave early than get oblivious people out of your house. You can get up and politely say you're tired and then leave and go home. As opposed to feeling rude by telling them to please leave as you're tired.
You have more control by going to theirs. But only if they're close and easy to get to.

IDontDrinkTea · 03/01/2022 18:15

Depending how well you are, I’d suggest meeting somewhere out. My go to for nightmare visitors is to say ‘oh the kids have had enough of being stuck indoors since baby has arrived, let’s meet at family friendly pub for lunch”

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 03/01/2022 18:16

Sounds like you're being pretty unreasonable to me. I can see how they are a pain in the bum, but expecting them to drive for 21/2 hours each way just for a 2 hour visit, is a bit mean in my opinion. I can understand that you don't want to be running around after them, but surely your DH should be doing that bit, as they're his parents and you will have recently given birth. I would also get him to tell them before they travel not to bring ANYTHING except themselves! Then when they arrive armed with everything bar the kitchen sink, he needs to tell them not to bring it in, as he's already told them you don't want it.

Original poster

NameChanged15729 · 03/01/2022 18:21

I feel anxious reading it back to .

I’d go for the visiting them option but they live quite far out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a trek with kids and they are not hugely welcoming. Dh and ds visited them the summer before last when restrictions were lifted for a while to be told that they weren’t actually allowed in the house. If we had known that before booking the trip they wouldn’t have bothered going up. We went last summer and step fil was hideous to ds because he wanted to do a small craft set that mil had offered to do with him. Step fil didn’t want the mess, ironic really. They also don’t provide any food for the kids because that would involve getting a few things in that they don’t normally buy and they live in a place where the food is quite eclectic out and about.

Basically it’s a mine field.

OP posts:

CornishTiger · 03/01/2022 18:22

I’d agree to met them for a lunch like previous poster said or ask them to take children to park with husband whilst you and baby rest.

Seniorandjunior · 03/01/2022 18:29

YADNBU.
Meeting out is a good idea but I’m not sure I’d be happy to in these times. The other option is just say you’re not up to it. Difficult delivery, anything. Defer and put them off for a month or 2. You could leave it to your DH but in my house, that only works a little. It’d be 20 questions ‘where is…’ ‘how do I…’ etc etc, not worth it. Be brutal. Say no. No one decent expects to descend on a house with a newborn.

Teacherontherun · 03/01/2022 18:30

I would suggest meeting at a national trust/ Park type place. Sounds awful and tje last thing you need

ShoppingBasket · 03/01/2022 18:34

Can they not come and then dh brings them out for lunch or dinner on his own. I get where you are coming from but I think a 2 hour stay for grandparents that have travelled is kind of a day trip to be fair.

Needdoughnuts · 03/01/2022 18:35

It's nothing to get worked up over. Dh's family so he hosts, cooks, brings the visit to a close then clears up and cleans. You sit there cooing over the baby and escape upstairs for a nap.

SomebodysMum · 03/01/2022 18:41

YABU because you should tell DH that a week after birth is way too soon for you to deal with even 2 minutes of them, let alone 2 hours, and maybe think about scheduling something in when baby is at least a month old.

Sciurus83 · 03/01/2022 18:47

Mine come for four days, yer lucky! Those things are all irritating but it's just one day, don't let it stress you out in the last weeks of pregnancy. There's obviously a big backstory with SFIL so it's hard to probably more to this than you've said here, but based just on this post I would say as annoying as this is it's just one day and it's not insurmountable.

Sciurus83 · 03/01/2022 18:49

But also the first week is very soon, my DS is 3 weeks now and the delivery was really rough. I would really only just about be ready to be thinking about visitors now for next week, so definitely don't make any commitments till baby is here and you know how resilient you're feeling

BatshitBanshee · 03/01/2022 18:51

You know you get to make the rules, right? Blame omicron if you have to, say it was a hard labour and no visitors till further notice. End of. I wouldn't be putting up with that carry on at all.

LuckyC27 · 03/01/2022 19:08

@TooWicked

I feel anxious just reading your post. Of course YANBU.

If DH doesn't get the message across you should refuse to do anything at all to prepare or host or clean up after them. Leave it all to him.

Spend two hours with them and then take yourself and baby off upstairs.

"It's been nice seeing you, I'm going to get this little fella down for a nap and have a sleep myself... DH can you bring me a cup of tea and a sandwich up in 2 hours, thanks love".

And literally leave him to it.

I like this one! I also spent a lot of time upstairs with my newborn when I had visitors as I was trying to breastfeed so if your planning on doing this maybe after a few hours say that you need some skin to skin with the baby to help with the b feeding etc. But like the above has posted you could literally say nap time for me and baby and leave the room.

Grapewrath · 03/01/2022 19:08

Suggest meeting in a pub with soft play if a garden. Saying it will be nice to get the kids out. Maybe meet halfway so you don’t feel obligated as they’ve travelled.

2022success · 03/01/2022 19:11

Don't have them at yours.

Arrange to meet somewhere half way.

Christmas1988 · 03/01/2022 19:13

Order a Sainsbury’s buffet to go and get them to pick it up en route, that sorts the buffet out. Leave a few bottles of pop on the side and when they declare they are thirsty you can point them in the direction on drinks. When you are ready for them to go at 6 say your goodbyes and say you won’t be back down till morning so you’ll see them soon leave them with your DH… they’ll get the hint.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 19:17

Book a table at a Mr Twister's type place. Dc can go off and play. Eat, drink, leave.
Job done.

Clymene · 03/01/2022 19:25

I wouldn't have them in your house. Meet them for lunch somewhere. Say you're not up to visitors.
Also if they're worried about covid, his come they can come into your house but you can't go into theirs?

Diggersaursarethebest · 03/01/2022 19:39

What about they come for the afternoon, arriving at say 3pm, then they go out with your DH and the older kids for a pub dinner from 5pm til 7 or 8, leaving you at home to nap with newborn. Then Inlaws go back home and DH brings you takeaway.

Diggersaursarethebest · 03/01/2022 19:41

And future visits when you’re up to travelling you should meet halfway at a national trust type place for a couple of hours. It’s much more reasonable only meeting up for lunch or the afternoon when it’s a 1hr-1hr30min journey each way.

Skeumorph · 03/01/2022 19:42

Nope.

Say you're not up to it yet.

Basically they cooked their goose last time. You know full well they'll do the same as they never listen: you've just had a baby and are under NO obligation to host. You're especially not under any obligation to people who seem to have made no effort to host you themselves.

They can wait til baby is 4-5 weeks and you can meet out, have a meal somewhere, they can then go on to somewhere else for the afternoon with DH and the other children and you take baby home to bed.

They don't like the idea of not coming to yours after such a long drive? Tough shit, at least you're letting them know in advance you're not hosting indoors, unlike them when you weren't allowed in after travelling - right?

They don't want to go out to eat? Then they should be nicer people to host at home.

Clymene · 03/01/2022 19:56

Anyone who doesn't wait hand and foot on a new mum can fuck off frankly, whoever they are.

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