Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think stop buying cigarettes!

49 replies

Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 17:56

My partner is a smoker and I am the working parent. He doesn’t work. I’m self employed and am paid upon invoicing so while I have money coming in and out it can be more or less than before. We are always able to pay our rent on time etc so that’s not the problem - it’s that every time we get paid, the first thing he does is buy a packet of straights. It lasts him a day and is a waste of money. I don’t mind him buying tobacco because it lasts longer and works out to be a lot cheaper. I got paid two hours ago after money being tight over Christmas, and the first thing he did was to to the shop, buy cigarettes and text me to say ‘Money, card declined.’ Because I hadn’t transferred any money to our main account.

I don’t want to discuss the smoking because that’s another issue IMO, but am I being unreasonable to think it’s quite selfish?

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 03/01/2022 18:03

Just get a £10 put it in a bowl and light it in front of him. If he gets annoyed at the gesture then start the conversation about wasting money on an even more expensive luxury/habit/addiction and see if the penny drops.
Perhaps your partner should get a small job to pay for cigarettes and you keep your pay for household expenses.

NewYearCalavicci · 03/01/2022 18:04

Well he needs to start earing money , i know its not that easy but if he is setting fire to your hard earned cash he needs to be earning some to .

Does he know when you get paid and how much , next time if you can , dont tell him or only transfer the bare minimum .

And a conversation that goes you have just spent xxx it takes me xxx time to earn that, so I dont get to see any of my hard earned wages .

VimFuego101 · 03/01/2022 18:08

Why doesn't he work? I'm generally of the opinion that money goes into one household pot regardless of who owns what, but I don't think I could stomach the thought of wasting household money on cigarettes. Imagine how much you could build up in savings if you put the money away instead.

ANameChangeAgain · 03/01/2022 18:08

Is he main carer for the children or a free loader? Its an important distinction. I don't like smoking or the absolute waste of money, but if he is doing a full time unpaid job of kids + house, then he must be allowed his little "luxuries" the same as you presumably are?

DDivaStar · 03/01/2022 18:12

I get your point about it being a very expensive way to smoke and of course it would be better not to smoke at all.

But I do think you need to be careful controlling what he can do 'because he doesn't work'. Depending on your childcare options and possible work available for him, would it be practical for him to work too or would that impact your income ?

If it is more practical as a family for him not to work thats not a reason he cant spend any money on himself.

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:19

It’s not about spending money on himself, it’s about it being a more wasteful way to do so IMO. He is the main care giver but doesn’t look after the house, I do that too. My son has only been out of nursery for a few weeks due to moving house so he’ll be in a new one soon!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:20

And he spends money on others things too, as I said it’s ‘our money’ so this isn’t a case of just the one off thing; it’s the buying straights that annoys me most!

OP posts:
Tealightsandd · 03/01/2022 18:22

Does he say why he doesn't like roll ups? If family money is tight, it's not unreasonable to ask him to go for the cheaper option.

pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 18:23

Time for him to get a job. Why doesn't he look after the house, why do you do that as well as working?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2022 18:24

You need a way to organise your finances so you have equal spending money. You’re with a smoker, he’s going to smoke. If you’re okay with him smoking and not having his own income you’re accepting he’s going to spend your shared money on fags.

If he’s at home he should be doing the majority of the housework. You resent him not pulling his weight, you should be, but the smoking thing is a red herring.

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:24

He does like roll ups, that’s the thing. I have mentioned it several times but it doesn’t get through. Regarding work, it’s been a conversation but doesn’t seem to go anywhere.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2022 18:25

If your son is going to be in nursery full time and he does no housework then it’s time he gets a job.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2022 18:26

Are you scared he hates you…?

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:26

Why would he hate me lol? Of course not.

OP posts:
Cheesewiz · 03/01/2022 18:27

Is he able to get a job when your son starts a new nursery? I would tell him that you can financially support his very expensive habit and he needs to wither smoke roll ups, quit or earn some money if he wants to smoke tailor made cigs

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:28

Yes he is able and I hope he does! I have asked him to help with the business which he says he wants to do more of bur he never does. When I mention getting a different job he says he’d rather work with me, but that never ever happens.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpy · 03/01/2022 18:28

I don’t want to discuss the smoking because that’s another issue IMO, but am I being unreasonable to think it’s quite selfish?

The issue is that he smokes and your thread is about stop buying cigarettes . If he stopped smoking he wouldn’t buy any . Smoking is addiction he needs the nicotine so doesn’t care that he’s selfish. Encourage him to give up it’s a costly/ disgusting habit .

Bunnyfuller · 03/01/2022 18:29

Horrendous cocklodger. You must see this. There is no reason he can’t work, other than laziness. No work, no fags, roll ups or otherwise.

Come on op, you’re worth more than this x

DelphiniumBlue · 03/01/2022 18:30

The terminology here is interesting, I'd always understood "straights" to mean "not a spliff" ie without weed.
So that begs the question, is he buying weed as well?
Presumably if you share money and he is full time childcare, then you both get money for your own spending, and if cigarettes rather than roll-ups are his little luxury, and you have your own little luxuries, then it seems reasonable. But if he's a sponger, or if there's no spare money for you to have a treat, then he's not being reasonable.

Simonjt · 03/01/2022 18:31

Why does he have to ask you for money? As he’s a SAHD he should have the same access to the family finances as you.

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:31

Oh no he doesn’t and never has smoked weed. I mean tailor-made cigarettes. It’s every week he does this so it’s not a luxury for him, more of something he just does because the money is there (despite us needing it for rent and bills).

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 03/01/2022 18:32

Hang on, you now seem to be saying that he is not the childcare normally, as DS goes to nursery, and he seems reluctant to work, or to do housework.
I think I'd be reluctant to be subbing him, tbh.

Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:33

He doesn’t have to ask me for money? He sent me the text because my card got declined and the business account I have is only available on one device. That’s why he asked me to transfer. I just hadn’t got round to transferring yet because I had literally been paid five minutes before. He spends more money than I do so it’s definitely not a control issue here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 18:34

Yes my son was in nursery three days per week before we moved, and that’s the plan for this nursery too. X

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 18:34

What's the point of him? He seems to take from your life not add to it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread