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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think stop buying cigarettes!

49 replies

Scaredhehatesme · 03/01/2022 17:56

My partner is a smoker and I am the working parent. He doesn’t work. I’m self employed and am paid upon invoicing so while I have money coming in and out it can be more or less than before. We are always able to pay our rent on time etc so that’s not the problem - it’s that every time we get paid, the first thing he does is buy a packet of straights. It lasts him a day and is a waste of money. I don’t mind him buying tobacco because it lasts longer and works out to be a lot cheaper. I got paid two hours ago after money being tight over Christmas, and the first thing he did was to to the shop, buy cigarettes and text me to say ‘Money, card declined.’ Because I hadn’t transferred any money to our main account.

I don’t want to discuss the smoking because that’s another issue IMO, but am I being unreasonable to think it’s quite selfish?

OP posts:

Jeschara · 03/01/2022 18:34

Your problem is more than cigarettes, from what you have said your partner sounds a very lazy free loader, who does not seem to want a job.
He needs to start pulling his weight more, and he can do that by getting of his arse and looking for work.
What does he bring to your relationship OP, I would have no respect for him at all.

MrsColon · 03/01/2022 18:35

Smoking is not only damaging to his health, it impacts your child too - does he smoke around your child? Because that's disgusting, harmful, and likely to result in your child becoming a smoker.

Assuming you're not very wealthy, decide that you both get an equal amount of 'spends' per month. You can use yours for going out, coffees etc., he can use his for the same , except he'll run out before you do.

He doesn't work, doesn't share the domestic load equally, yet still smokes (and buys luxury straights whilst seeing your DC go without?!).

He's a cocklodger, sorry.

Eileen101 · 03/01/2022 18:35

If he isn't usually a stay at home dad, and just doesn't work while your son is in nursery, I wouldn't be subbing him for cigarettes.

Boogaloony · 03/01/2022 18:36

Wow he really doesn't respect you does he? What you have here is a prince grade A cock lodger.

Says he will work but never does?
Uses your money on his luxuries?
Doesn't contribute to the house?
Leaves you in charge of earning all the money and doing all the house work?
Demands money?

Get rid of him. Absolute waste of space.

DdraigGoch · 03/01/2022 18:37

Does he have any redeeming features?

BarbaraofSeville · 03/01/2022 18:37

@Simonjt

Why does he have to ask you for money? As he’s a SAHD he should have the same access to the family finances as you.

But discretionary spending for adults is only after everything else has been paid and whatever is available should be shared 50/50 with the OP.

But money is only available to be set fire to once rent, bills, tax, pensions, food, essential travel, DC expenses, savings for annual and irregular expenses like broken cars, pets and washing machines, and probably a whole load of other stuff has been covered.

If they are in this position then the OP is BU, but it doesn't sound like that does it?

SameToo · 03/01/2022 18:38

So he does….

Onesnowynight · 03/01/2022 18:39

Unless he has a disability/serious health condition/serious mental health illness etc then he should be bloody working!!

WallaceinAnderland · 03/01/2022 18:42

He's a SAHP but does no housework? Why? I don't understand why you would agree to this OP

AlDanvers · 03/01/2022 18:43

Sahp don't get to spend what they want when they want, if the family can't afford it. Fair enough if you have tons of money, op and her doesn't.

Having access to the money doesn't mean a free for all.

And that text was so rude.

I don't get this. The child is in nursery 3 days a week, usually, but he didn't have a job when the child was. He doesn't do anything in the house?

He is taking the piss.

jetadore · 03/01/2022 18:43

Aside from wasting money on fags and outspending you overall, what’s he contributing while you work full time? 2 days of childcare and no housework?

DDivaStar · 03/01/2022 18:45

You seem to be changing the question.

But it seems he's not pulling his weight financially or practically so you both really need to make actual plans to change that.

TitoMojito · 03/01/2022 18:48

@Scaredhehatesme

Why would he hate me lol? Of course not.

It's your name

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/01/2022 18:53

How is he managing to smoke a packet of cigarettes in a day whilst caring for your DS?

theNumbersStation · 03/01/2022 18:56

If anyone ever sent me a text like ‘money - card declined’ they’d be getting ‘no - do one’ or worse.

Is he normally that rude?

No offence OP but he needs to get off his lazy rude arse.

You’d be better off on your own.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2022 18:57

He sounds as bad as my mum. She has smoked like a chimney all her adult life - she’s nearly 90 - and is completely addicted.

A few years ago she was in hospital for 7 weeks, over Christmas. She was completely bed bound, so had no way of going for a smoke, so basically had to go cold turkey. When she was discharged, I commented that she had done the worst bit of giving up, and was a non smoker, but she pointed out that my sister, who does her shopping for her, had bought her extra packs, before Christmas and her admission to hospital (they were going away, and mum wanted plenty in the house, in case) - and she didn’t want to waste them!!

I give up.

Tealightsandd · 03/01/2022 19:00

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

At 90 I think it's not much to begrudge her some fags. If that's her pleasure in life.

WonderfulYou · 03/01/2022 19:11

I used to smoke so in no way anti-smoking but this would really annoy me!

I used to love having straights as a treat but I couldn’t afford to buy them every week so I’d smoke roll ups.

It’s different if maybe he was at work and didn’t have time on his break to roll one but most people cope or he could pre-roll them.

I think you need to be more forceful and tell him you can’t afford it and there’s no reason he needs to buy them.

WonderfulYou · 03/01/2022 19:13

He's a SAHP but does no housework? Why? I don't understand why you would agree to this OP

I agree!

The SAHP should do at least 90% of all housework, cooking, admin etc.

He’s got a lovely life!

IamnotSethRogan · 03/01/2022 19:33

Op I agree with a previous poster who said the cigarette issue is a bit if a red herring. Do you feel like your husband is an equal contributer to your life ?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2022 21:54

[quote Tealightsandd]@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

At 90 I think it's not much to begrudge her some fags. If that's her pleasure in life.[/quote]
I do get that, @Tealightsandd, but they are damaging her health - the circulation to her legs is compromised, and she has constant, weeping ulcers on her legs which will never heal, because of the poor blood flow. She has to have her legs bandaged by the nurse twice a week, and when they are bad, she actually has to tie a plastic bag around her foot to collect the fluid draining out of the ulcers, even with regular and frequent dressing. And if the circulation to her legs is compromised, then the rest of her circulation must be too, and I worry about her having a stroke.

Her consultant has told her that the single biggest thing she could do to improve her health is to quit - so whilst I accept she has every right to carry on smoking, as her daughter, I’d love her to be healthier.

Tealightsandd · 03/01/2022 21:59

I understand @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Don't think at 90 though it will be easy to give up. Has she ever tried vaping instead? A possibly safer way for her to get her nicotine fix.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2022 22:04

She has tried vaping, but she worries about the vape catching fire.

I know she isn’t going to give up - after all these years, it would be nigh on impossible - but I was a bit baffled when, having gone through all the withdrawal, she decided not wasting the stockpile of cigarettes was her priority.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/01/2022 22:06

If there isn’t a tenner in the joint account to buy fags, he can’t afford to smoke generally. You really ought to be saving some reserves.

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