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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help what do I do.

76 replies

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 03/01/2022 10:15

H and I have been having trouble. You've told me to leave him. He's gone out and I've put my key in the door.
We're married. We own a company together. We have 7mo DS.
What do I do? He's threatening to take everything off me incl DS. I don't know ow hat to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 03/01/2022 10:48

What's a standard contact arrangement for a 7mo. He's only had him a few hours without me. Never had a night away from me but H has been away and is out most days so DS is 99.9% cared for by me. I couldn't bear a night away from him.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 03/01/2022 10:55

You need legal advice. You can’t make any realistic plans until you know what you can and can’t do, especially in regard to your child. Is there anyone you can borrow money from for an appointment? Or have you got a credit card you can put it on?

Obviously goes without saying that if he turns up at the house and you don’t feel safe, then you must call the police immediately.

StoneofDestiny · 03/01/2022 11:01

Why are you going anywhere if the house is in your name? Why not clear out the bank account before he does. Get legal advice and if you are married he cannot take everything.
If you are physically in immediate danger or have been threatened call the police

eagerlywaitingfor · 03/01/2022 11:03

Speak to the accountant you use for the company's finances, and tell them what's going on.

Ovenaffray · 03/01/2022 11:05

You need to speak to a solicitor.

Many do a free half hour but not all. You will NOT necessarily get a free session.

If he threatens you on his return call the police.

Twentypast · 03/01/2022 11:09

@StoneofDestiny

Why are you going anywhere if the house is in your name? Why not clear out the bank account before he does. Get legal advice and if you are married he cannot take everything. If you are physically in immediate danger or have been threatened call the police
If it's a business bank account, she can't do that.
ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:35

@Getyourjinglebellsinarow

I have a couple of grand and the house is in my name. I don't know if I should just cut and run and leave with nothing or try to keep the house and get some money out the company.
the house is in my name Not sure why PP is telling you to quit your own home OP. It's obviously the last thing you should do - you need to continue demonstrating ownership.

The first thing you should do is ask trusted friends/relatives for a recommendation to a shit hot lawyer. The situation is financially complex, & you need to protect your interests immediately.

He's threatening to take everything off me incl DS.
Don't let this cause you any anxiety - he's full of shit.
He cannot "take" anything off you - the law will decide.

You can do something though.
How much involvement do you have with company finances?
While he is out, take pics of all documentation you can find, including all bank account screen shots.
Any joint accounts, remove 50% & put it safely in your own account.
Hide your & DS's passports, your driving licence, tax records etc somewhere he will never find them.

Your new lawyer will guide you through the next steps, one of which will be a process of discovery about who is named on what assets, followed by a negotiation as to how they will be split.

Hang tight - do NOT leave your home! - & you will start to feel better & more in control as soon as you are receiving proper legal advice.
In the meantime, when he gets back, practice Grey Rocking him -
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Flowers
ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:38

most of the outgoings for the house and stuff come from me. He doesn't contribute much. He has huge savings I can't touch

SCREENSHOTS!

Your lawyer will be very interested in those savings, 50% of which belong to you.
Also in your bank statements, proving that you have been paying the majority of family & household costs.

tara66 · 03/01/2022 11:40

Try for appointment with Citizen's Advice Bureau if you cannot afford a solicitor. Anyway usually the first 1/2 hour with solicitor regarding divorce is usually free - so you will then get a clear idea of your rights. Can you not transfer money from joint account into your own asap if you haven't any money i.e. before he does that?

ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:41

@Getyourjinglebellsinarow

I can't afford a solicitor though?
Yes you can.

You have assets. Your lawyer will be prepared to wait for payment until these have been split. Your STBEXH's massive savings (your half of them) can pay the bill once the divorce is finalised.

Ladybyrd · 03/01/2022 11:44

The worst thing you can do is move out.

I would call a locksmith.

Sarahlou63 · 03/01/2022 11:44

Well done for getting him to go to his mother's and getting a record of his savings.

Now you need to slow down. Your marriage will take time to unwind, especially with the division of assets. Don't do ANYTHING until you have had legal advice.

Spend today writing down everything you know about his other properties, the business and his savings. Detail your current financial situation (what is the house worth? How much mortgage remains? What's your earning capacity?)

Draft a preliminary email to send to at least three local solicitors and bear in mind most will be snowed under tomorrow and/or hit with Covid absences.

He will also have to go through a solicitor to agree contact details so you are both at the same stage - ignore any threats; they aren't truths.

Ovenaffray · 03/01/2022 11:45

All assets will be split.

And please for the love of the wee man can we stop with you get a free half hour advice from a solicitor regarding divorce. You might. From some. But it’s not a given and half an hour won’t even scratch the surface of what needs to happen in a divorce. Especially one with complicated business assets and properties in sole names.

Brigante9 · 03/01/2022 11:45

He can’t take your ds from you, this is a typical threat from abusive men, I see it on here all the time. You’re presumably the primary carer and at 7 months, he is unlikely to even be awarded overnights.

You must talk to a lawyer. Use money from whatever account you can. If the house is in your name only, you MAY be entitled to kick him out. How long have you lived there with him?

Ladybyrd · 03/01/2022 11:46

If your husband has a company with £50K in assets, you can't afford to NOT see a solicitor. You need proper legal advice, not Mumsnet.

ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:50

If the company has 50k in the bank is it fair if I just want half of that and he can have the company? It profits about 10k a month so I'm not wiping it out but I can do plenty with 25k.

You may be better off retaining joint ownership of the company & seeking a share of that monthly profit. It may ALSO be possible to claim half of the £50k to be put into your sole name.
Do not agree ANYTHING with your H about this.
It's great you have screenshots - make sure you have thought of everything.
Wait until your lawyer has full disclosure before making any decisions about what you feel you should exit the marriage with. You seem to be aiming low - understandable as you just want out - but this is your & DS's future at stake.

He has 2 other properties so if I just want the house that's fair

No.
What's FAIR is that you currently own 1.5 houses, & should expect to take that value with you on divorce.
Plus half the savings.
Plus either a significant capital sum, or a big monthly payout, from your business.

DO NOT walk away from this. I think you are going to be much better off than you imagine.

However ... most important right now is your personal safety.
Do your friends & relatives know about your situation?
Has H been violent to you, or made threats to be?
How safe do you currently feel?

ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:51

@eagerlywaitingfor

Speak to the accountant you use for the company's finances, and tell them what's going on.
This is a very good plan.
Original poster
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 03/01/2022 11:53

He's on his way here. I'm so fucking scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 03/01/2022 11:54

The company accountant is his cousin. And he's useless anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 03/01/2022 11:55

The thing is. If I take too much he will make me pay. I know he will.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 03/01/2022 11:55

Ring 999 if he gets aggressive, no one has to out up with that. Don’t rely on neighbours to ring, people don’t like to get involved.

Ovenaffray · 03/01/2022 11:55

Ring the police if he kicks off.

Mammatobesep2022 · 03/01/2022 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ChargingBuck · 03/01/2022 11:58

Can you call a friend or relative to come over to support you as DH returns?

Is he prone to violence?
If he has EVER been violent to you, please call the police right now.
Explain that you have told H it is over & asked him to go to his mother's.
Tell them he is now returning & you are scared.
Ask them for advice - they will have a DV-trained officer, & they will support you about what you need to do e.g. to obtain a non-mol order so that he cannot frighten you like this.

At the very least, they can show up, so that H knows he is on their radar, & that threatening you will have consequences for him.

Greenrubber · 03/01/2022 12:01

Seek legal advice and call the police if you feel unsafe