Taking away mobile phone from teen at night

[Wildernesswandering]

I would really appreciate advice on what is considered normal for teenagers and access to their phones. My 16 year old son gets very upset if we take his phone away from him over night. However last night he was still up chatting at 2am. I think I need to take his phone away from him at night but he insists that all his friends have access to their phones! His mocks start tomorrow and I want to enforce the ‘new rule’. He has ADHD and I think that even adults have problems controlling screen time, I need to do this to help him as executive functioning is problematic for him. AIBU?

Our house rule has always been no phones in bedrooms at night - that's for adults as well.
Ds16 has been allowed his over the holidays but it will go back to being plugged in to charge downstairs as soon as school starts again. It will be harder to enforce if this hasn't been the case for you previously but maybe you can compromise with your ds and let him have it at weekends but not on school nights?

As a secondary school teacher, most of the highest achieving pupils I teach have parents who enforce some type of rule like this. Many go with "no devices upstairs" and insist all phones (including theirs) are left downstairs at night. Anecdotally I'd say this makes for happier teens and better balanced moods. Many teens feel their phone calms or soothes them but my observation would be that it often creates or compiles unnecessary anxiety in their lives. I think you have a good idea and while he might not like it, if he's not able to regulate himself you'll be doing him good.

I think it's a difficult thing to start implementing for 16 year old if you've not done so previously. Taking a phone away overnight I think is only really feasible for a 10-13 year old with a first phone where that's your rule from the start. You can, however, set your router to go off at night. We did that when ours were teens inclined to stay up all night. Just a simple device that you plug into the socket and then plug the router into will do. He'll be able to do a bit off data but gaming will quickly run his data out.

Otherwise, asking him how he thinks he can do his best in his mocks and what he'd like from you to support that might be a better way to go

Can you instead implement downtime on his phone?

We have a downtime function - me and ds have iPhones and I can control his screen time from my phone. It switched off at 7.30 on a school night, 8.30 at the weekend and holidays (he’s 12)

We turn our kids phones data etc off at night, so they are useless anyway

My 12yo leaves his downstairs. My 16yo has his in his room. I guess my thinking is that as they become closer to adulthood it's good to start letting them self regulate? I would intervene if I heard them chatting at 2am though!

We are more relaxed over the holidays, but our 16yo has to leave his phone downstairs during term time. His friends don’t appear to sleep, but he needs his sleep. He doesn’t like it much, but he accepts it.

My 14 nearly 15 year olds phone is charged in my bedroom at night.

He also has adhd and no control, hense why his x box is also downstairs.

The phone downstairs, he would sneak downstairs and get phone.

I think 16 is old enough to make his own decisions about phone use, and if he's tired the next day that's on him.

Thank you so much for the replies.
@Ceejly - that’s great insight thank you and of course makes perfect sense.
DS was given his phone age 14 and initially we were strict about taking away his phone but as he is allowed his phone at school (he boards 4 nights a week), I think it has influenced/confused me as to what is reasonable for a 16 year old (not had one before!). I will also ask that it’s enforced in school. Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.

16?? He's practically an adult. I wouldn't have dreamt of taking their phones at night at that age. How can you expect them to start being responsible for themselves if they're treat like they're still 12/13?

Each to their own obviously, but I let my older ones self regulate at that age and if they stayed up too late and were tired in the morning they just had to get on with it. They soon learned!

@Ceejly

As a secondary school teacher, most of the highest achieving pupils I teach have parents who enforce some type of rule like this. Many go with "no devices upstairs" and insist all phones (including theirs) are left downstairs at night. Anecdotally I'd say this makes for happier teens and better balanced moods. Many teens feel their phone calms or soothes them but my observation would be that it often creates or compiles unnecessary anxiety in their lives. I think you have a good idea and while he might not like it, if he's not able to regulate himself you'll be doing him good.

I often see comments like this from teachers, and I'm always curious as to how they know what rules parents enforce at home.

I suspect that people often make assumptions that might or might not be accurate. My dd is a high achieving type - straight 9s at GCSE, consistent A* grades for attitude for learning, excels in extracurricular stuff etc. You might think that we as parents are very strict around bedtimes, screen time etc. The reality is that we have largely left dd to self regulate. Of course, there have been times when she has stayed up later than she should, but she has learned from this and now prioritises sleep.

However, the OP mentions that her DS has ADHD, and that does complicate things. I suspect that I have ADHD and know how difficult self regulation can be for people with this condition. Consequently, I don't think the OP is unreasonable to want to help, but he will be leaving home in a couple of years and will really need to learn to manage this for himself, so ideally you need to work with him on strategies for how he is going to do this. If he relies on you to regulate things for him, then he won't have developed the skills that he needs to function effectively when he gets to university.

@onedayoranother

I think 16 is old enough to make his own decisions about phone use, and if he's tired the next day that's on him.

I know, I think that’s the flip side but it’s not working too well and what with mocks and ADHD diagnosis, I think I should intervene now.

I have ADHD as does my DS. Neither of us struggled with self regulation. Appreciate its different for everyone, but I don't think 'intervening' is the answer, as he really does need to learn this stuff himself for life as an adult!

OP, DH and I have this rule for ourselves! (Phones charger downstairs overnight). Lots of people struggle to self-regulate and this is an important time in your son’s life where it’s necessary for you to step in

@mamaduckbone

Our house rule has always been no phones in bedrooms at night - that's for adults as well. Ds16 has been allowed his over the holidays but it will go back to being plugged in to charge downstairs as soon as school starts again. It will be harder to enforce if this hasn't been the case for you previously but maybe you can compromise with your ds and let him have it at weekends but not on school nights?

This is what happens in our house. No phones overnight starts again today as it's the end of the holidays.

I’ve always taken DD’s (now 15) phone at night. She hands it to me as we say goodnight and I charge it on do not disturb in my room.

She occasionally moans but I’ve told her that I’m doing it so she has stress/drama free nights of good sleep and she gets it. When she was discussing her friends MH recently I asked her to name those with worst MH and tell me if they were online during early hours of each morning (you can tell from timings of notifications). She admitted that they were and actually agreed with me that she sleeps better without feeling pressure to reply or FOMO. I’m a firm believer in sleep affecting general day to day MH.

I’ll continue until she either pays for her own phone or until she’s old enough that the habit of putting her phone aside at night is fixed. It’s a house rule now.

Assuming he doesn’t pay for his own mobile phone bill? If he does, then not much you can do about it.
If you’re paying the bill, then that’s just one of the conditions of having a phone. Our teen DD’s have never taken their phones to bed with them, always left on charge in the lounge when they go up.

@AlexaShutUp I only go by what I hear the kids talking (and complaining!) about! Very well aware it might not be the whole truth - always got to take these things with a pinch of salt. My only further observation would be that the teens who say their parents have rules like this tend to be better at regulating their own phone usage throughout the school day too (ie not always trying to sneak looks under the desk, speaking to friends if there's spare time at the end of the lesson rather than immediately scrolling their phone).

**I often see comments like this from teachers,
and I'm always curious as to how they know what rules parents enforce at home.

We do this with our teen DC too. Eldest is 16 and still at school. We’ll certainly continue to do it while they’re still at school.

I often see comments like this from teachers,
and I'm always curious as to how they know what rules parents enforce at home.

Because the kids talk about it and so do the parents. Quite a lot.

By 16 most are managing their phones themselves but if they are up still chatting at 2am then they aren’t regulating well enough and need intervention.

Might be a temporary solution for his mocks, but longer term, especially with ADHD, he needs to learn self regulation strategies. You won’t be around to regulate this when he’s at Uni/moved out, and in my experience it’s the young adults who had the strictest parents in regard to things like phones who struggle most in young adulthood as they don’t know how to set their own boundaries and can go mad doing what their parents restricted once they’re out of the family home. Screen time can be a huge problem for neurodivergent teens and young adults though, all that being said. I’m glad they weren’t around in my teens, speaking as an adult with ADHD!

I don’t know if it’s possible to get him into an ADHD support group, or work with an ADHD coach to help him come up with his own ways of regulating it?

I personally think 16 is too old to start enforcing rules you didn't have in place before.

Probably a conversation is better. Raise how you heard him chatting at 2am in the morning, and see where the conversation goes from there.

Sorry -paste fail!

We know what rules parents enforce at home because they tell us (at parents’ evening and the like).
Those who have rules in place tend to be keen to tell us (as they do here too). Those who don’t have rules tend to let us know by the excuses they make “Yes, he’s tired a lot, but he’s chatting to his friends until x o’clock. He’s 14/15/16 - what can I do??)

Yes there will be exceptions, but generally the students with tech boundaries do better and get caught up in fewer SM dramas.