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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to be able to stay in the house?

66 replies

Mooey89 · 03/01/2022 08:52

I genuinely don’t know if I am being unreasonable.
STBXH and I split 6 months ago, due to his drinking, lying, and his u turn on wanting children.
I have a DS who is 8.
When we bought the house, I put down the deposit of 20k.
Since then with the house price increase the house has gone up considerably in value, but so has everywhere else. So even downsizing I would be doubling my mortgage for a small flat.

I asked DH to move out. He refused. He won’t even leave the marital bed. We don’t have a spare room.
He can’t afford to take over the mortgage. I can, but I wouldn’t be able to buy him out at this stage.
I really, really, don’t want DS to lose his home.

He’s now saying we need to sell and he will be living here until it’s sold.
I suggested he moved out, let me cover the mortgage, and in 2 years when I have been able to pay down some debt I will then be able to buy him out, but he says no.

I don’t know if I’m being wildly unrealistic? But I don’t want my son around an alcoholic anymore and I can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 03/01/2022 08:57

Have you had full legal advice?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 08:57

Get legal advice

Original poster

Mooey89 · 03/01/2022 08:58

I’m booking it ASAP. I think I’ve been burying my head in the sand

OP posts:

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 09:00

If he wont agree to it you will have to leave the house, even with a child, the courts will not put his security and comfort over your ex’s right to a clean break.

If i could go back in time id sell the house asap and save yourself the enormous legal bill and stress. Get back your deposit, split the equity and start again asap

twominutesmore · 03/01/2022 09:01

Well he sounds awful but tbh I don't blame him for wanting to sell the house now. Presumably he needs his share of the equity to buy somewhere for himself too. I'd be selling now while the market is buoyant and completely freeing myself of him. But as pp have said, you need proper legal advice.

GoodnightGrandma · 03/01/2022 09:01

He needs to find a reason to want to leave, such as a new lady.

Sirzy · 03/01/2022 09:01

You need to get proper legal advice.

Do you really want to stay tied to him for the next few years until you can buy him out? That just risks making things even more complicated. If his name is in the mortgage he wouldn’t be able to get another residential mortgage either if that was his plan.

These things get complicated quickly. I would get legal advice and try to get a clean break as soon as possible

Whinge · 03/01/2022 09:05

He sounds like a waste of space and i'm sure you'll be much better off without him, but I don't think he's unreasonable to want to sell the house. If you were in his position would you really be happy to wait at least 2 years before being able to sell and have a clean break from one another?

GCANDPROUD · 03/01/2022 09:09

You are married so even if the house is not in joint names, you can’t force him to move out because he has something called matrimonial home rights, entitling him to occupy. The only way you could do get him out would be if you got an occupation order under the Family Law Act 1996. Usually these are only granted if it is clear that you or the kids will be at risk of harm if he stays (ie where there is a history of domestic abuse).
Whether you paid the deposit when you bought it is neither here nor there for the purpose of occupation of the home.

You can indeed suggest to him that moving out is a good idea, perhaps pointing to your DS being affected by his continued presence. But unless he is violent/abusive, he won’t be forced out.

As others have said, you need legal advice. You should ideally try to resolve financial matters ASAP in mediation or negotiation (as going to court is hugely expensive). You may be able to get him to agree to a deferred sale in 2 years time, perhaps if he gets a little bit more than he’d get if you sold now. However, if it’s possible for you to buy a place now that you and your DS can live in (even if not ideal), he’d probably push for an immediate sale. We don’t know what the market will be like in 2 years.

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 09:09

What other assets are there ? Pensions ? Savings ?
Could you agree to not rake his pension in exchange for keeping the equity in the house and then buy him out sooner ?
I had to take a job after 6 years of living the dream in self employment, all it took was 3 months pay slips and i was able to get a mortgage to buy my ex out. Unfortunately he’d taken it to court by then so there was then 2 years of bullshit and £45,000 down the drain in lawyers fees to come out of the house sale. So we ended up - the children and I - being given 14 days to vacate the house, mid pandemic.

CovidForChristmas · 03/01/2022 09:10

I was in a similar situation but he refused to move out and in the end I had no choice but to force the sale through to get rid of him.
We both lost money when I could have afforded to buy him out.
Spent thousands on legal fees.

Personally I’d recommend selling amicably if he will go down that route. Otherwise he might not leave for years.

Aderyn21 · 03/01/2022 09:10

I hope you had your deposit ring fenced. Presuming your child isn't his, and that being the case he has no incentive to let you remain in the house. If your child is his then you might be able to make him wait for a sale. Get legal advice asap and in the meantime get together all paperwork which shows who paid for what and all financial assets such as pensions.

Aprilx · 03/01/2022 09:16

You need to keep focusing on what is legal rather than what feels fair / moral etc. And no, if he doesn’t agree to go it would be very difficult to remove him from the marital home, him drinking, lying and doing a u turn on wanting children are not legal grounds to get him out.

I take it from your wording that your child is not his so you have not been together less than eight years? A “short” marriage will mean it is less likely that assets will be split 50:50. But yes as mentioned, you need legal advice to determine the best way to proceed. I suspect that selling the house is a real possibility.

AlDanvers · 03/01/2022 09:16

How long were you married and did you ring fence your deposit?

They are 2 of the many things that will influence the divorce. Including the fact that you don't have joint children.

But generally the advice is most to leave the marital home until its sorted.

Most divorces are 'clean break' there's no right for you to remain in the home and him to wait for his money. Especially, since he isn't the child's father.

Can you remortgage and pay him off? Or if he has a large pension, use that as a negotiating tool.

You really do need specialist advice as one detail could change things. Yanbu to want to stay in the house. Yabu to expect to stay in the house.

AlDanvers · 03/01/2022 09:17

A “short” marriage will mean it is less likely that assets will be split 50:50.

But that may only apply to the 20k op put down. Not the equity that's accumulated since. Which, I think maybe he main issue.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/01/2022 09:18

Did you give him the deposit?

Aprilx · 03/01/2022 09:20

@Aderyn21

I think you are underestimating the legal importance of marriage.

“Ring fencing” assets is really not a thing within marriage.

Autumndays123 · 03/01/2022 09:20

Surely if you are married and bought the house whilst married then he is entitled to 50%? I'm sure if roles were reversed and it was he who put the deposit down MN would be telling you to demand your fair share. You have no right to force him to leave the home, so unless he goes of his own free will, you need to sell up and split the equity

Beautiful3 · 03/01/2022 09:21

I'd seek legal advice. I don't think you can make him leave, as you're both married and he's on the mortgage. I think personally, selling it and moving out might be better, to get rid of him.

Malibuismysecrethome · 03/01/2022 09:22

If the house has gone up significantly they so has the equity. Sorry but you need to sell and take your original deposit and your share.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/01/2022 09:23

Legal advice or mediation.

You may have to sell but you may alsopp0 be entitled to a bigger share of the equity because you have a child to house.

Or you can point out to him that if lawyers/court are involved it will cost him thousands and you will go after his pension. Be reasonable. He's entitled not to be homeless or in a shit bedsit just as you are. Sometimes you just have to let reason sink in and that can take time.

If you can stick it out for a while, he will probably find a new woman who will not be impressed by him still living at home with his wife and that will be a carrot rather than a stick to shift his arse.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 03/01/2022 09:24

Thank you everyone. I think I needed the reality check. Booking legal advice and valuations this week.
Deep breath

OP posts:

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 09:26

@THisbackwithavengeance no it will not cost him thousands, the court will award his costs against her if she doesnt cooperate with the division of assets

Sirzy · 03/01/2022 09:27

You may have to sell but you may alsopp0 be entitled to a bigger share of the equity because you have a child to house.

It doesn’t sound like the child is his though so he will have very little bearing on the outcome.

Gcandproud · 03/01/2022 09:30

The deposit will not be ring-fenced unless you had a prenup but short childless marriages mean you are more likely to get credit for higher contributions and therefore an unequal split of assets.

The first consideration in splitting assets will be the welfare of any child of the family which will likely include your DS if he has been treated as a child of the family, even though he is not your ex’s child. But if you can move now, albeit to a flat, your DS’s needs would be met so it doesn’t sound like a case where the children’s welfare will be determinative. Your DH is only going to be made to wait for his share if it is necessary (ie that you wouldn’t be able to get another place at the moment so the only option is staying put).

I don’t know what other assets there are but if the house is the main one and the bulk of the equity is from the increase in property prices over the past few years, I’d expect him to be entitled to half the increase during the marriage with you probably being credited for providing the deposit (on basis of fairly short marriage, no joint kids, similar earning capacity and ages etc). But you’d need specific legal advice on that because there are many factors at play.

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