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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be able to stay in the house?

66 replies

Mooey89 · 03/01/2022 08:52

I genuinely don’t know if I am being unreasonable.
STBXH and I split 6 months ago, due to his drinking, lying, and his u turn on wanting children.
I have a DS who is 8.
When we bought the house, I put down the deposit of 20k.
Since then with the house price increase the house has gone up considerably in value, but so has everywhere else. So even downsizing I would be doubling my mortgage for a small flat.

I asked DH to move out. He refused. He won’t even leave the marital bed. We don’t have a spare room.
He can’t afford to take over the mortgage. I can, but I wouldn’t be able to buy him out at this stage.
I really, really, don’t want DS to lose his home.

He’s now saying we need to sell and he will be living here until it’s sold.
I suggested he moved out, let me cover the mortgage, and in 2 years when I have been able to pay down some debt I will then be able to buy him out, but he says no.

I don’t know if I’m being wildly unrealistic? But I don’t want my son around an alcoholic anymore and I can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:
Gcandproud · 03/01/2022 11:05

[quote LakieLady]@GCAndProud, your £30k in fees is almost exactly what it cost my ex to get 47.5% of the equity in a home I'd owned solely for years before I met him!

The stupid thing was, I'd already offered him £72k and would have gone to £80k, but he turned it down flat, twice (once prior to proceedings, once at mediation). He ended up getting £97.5k, but it cost him the best part of £30k to get it, so was no better off overall.[/quote]
He sounds like a bit of an idiot. Unless the assets are in the millions or the other party is not offering anything that is remotely reasonable (eg if you’d offered him 5k or something), it’s not worth spending the money on a final hearing. In some cases, there is v little left once legal costs are accounted for.

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 11:20

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood
Well of course they haven’t got better, things have got worse as could be expected under the circumstances. I’m honestly not snapping at you I’m really not and please don’t take it in that light but what I am saying is once lawyers get involved it’s like an electricity meter just constantly running both sides, digging in because you believe youve spent £5,000 coming this far so another £5,000 to finish things off and youre told a solicitor cant just put down their pen as you might want them to and just stop, professionally speaking the judge will be expecting the barrister to be there, all the time its your costs rising.

And somebody always loses and it’s not always who you expect it to be .

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/01/2022 11:55

I am very sorry indeed Jessie75 that you have had such a difficult time and that things are currently no better for you.

timeisnotaline · 03/01/2022 12:00

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood this child is not ‘of the family’ though, it’s just the ops? The ex isn’t the dad so can’t be expected legally to adjust his split to support the child?

GCAndProud · 03/01/2022 12:25

[quote timeisnotaline]@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood this child is not ‘of the family’ though, it’s just the ops? The ex isn’t the dad so can’t be expected legally to adjust his split to support the child?[/quote]
It would be if the child has lived with the couple and been treated as a child of the family. Essentially if in his role as stepfather has assumed responsibility for the OP’s DS and treated him as a child of the family, DS would qualify. It wouldn’t cover if eg the DS actually lives with his other parent and just visits/stays over with OP and DH but would cover a situation where DS’s permanent home was with OP and DH. It’s a question of fact but I’d have thought it would apply here.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/01/2022 12:26

I take the view (from what I have read; acknowledging that more information mighy impact my opinion) that the OP’s son fulfils the definition of “child of the family” as prescribed by the Matrimonial Causes Act.

colourfulpuddles · 03/01/2022 12:28

Why do you think you get a right to stay in the house anymore than he does? The house should be sold.

llansannan22 · 03/01/2022 12:31

You are doing the right thing getting legal advice.

Ohshittt · 03/01/2022 12:46

PP have given more practical advice but I just wanted to say I absolutely understand you don't want you and your son to lose your home but please just think what you will gain from it, freedom from a man making your life a misery, a fresh start in a home just for you and DS. I imagine this will be a rough ride but you can handle it and it will be worth it 💕.

CowMarshland · 03/01/2022 13:04

For me I think the person who ended the relationship should be the one that lives out.

If house is in my name (say we got together and they lived in my home) and mortgage then paid by both then I’d expect to pay other person a reasonable sum for them to leave.
If joint mortgage I’d expect home to be sold or the other person bought out.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 03/01/2022 13:06

@CowMarshland

For me I think the person who ended the relationship should be the one that lives out.

If house is in my name (say we got together and they lived in my home) and mortgage then paid by both then I’d expect to pay other person a reasonable sum for them to leave.
If joint mortgage I’d expect home to be sold or the other person bought out.

That’s ridiculous. So you’d expect a woman who ended the relationship due to infidelity or abuse to leave the home just because she was the one to break it off? Thankfully there is no such rule.
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/01/2022 13:08

@CowMarshland

For me I think the person who ended the relationship should be the one that lives out.

If house is in my name (say we got together and they lived in my home) and mortgage then paid by both then I’d expect to pay other person a reasonable sum for them to leave.
If joint mortgage I’d expect home to be sold or the other person bought out.

This idea has the potential to be so dangerous Shock

It means women who experience abuse and domestic violence will end up being even more terrified to leave because they'll end up homeless as well as on their own with their DC.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/01/2022 13:35

It is a very good job CowMarshland that your view of who should move out upon dissolution of a marriage is only your opinion and not, in fact, the law. Were it the law, abused and vulnerable women all over the country, having found the strength to separate, would be habitually forced from their homes. Our system is far from perfect (as the experiences many on this site and even on this thread have attested to), but at least it is not so punitive as that.

CharlotteRose90 · 03/01/2022 13:39

You need to sell and divide the house. You don’t get to keep the house yourself when he has money in it. Go see a solicitor and put it on the market. You should hopefully both get enough to move on.

Jessie75 · 03/01/2022 13:48

@CowMarshland Did you mean the person that has caused the relationship to break up i.e. if somebody’s unfaithful they get out, if somebody is an alcoholic and the other person cannot possibly live with them they get out, that’s what’s caused the relationship breakdown not the person who initiates it on the grounds of the other persons behaviour ?

AskingforaBaskin · 03/01/2022 19:55

If DS is not his then he does not unfortunately have to take his housing into account. Nor will he be expected to :(

Also the court will not remove him from the home without good reason or unless he has suitable accommodation. They will not intentionally make him homeless.
I am sorry. It can not have been easy to be married to him and have to deal with this.

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