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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be happy if I never had sex again?

41 replies

namerchanger2 · 03/01/2022 00:07

Hello
Obviously have name changed for this. Wondering how common or uncommon it is to feel as I do. My hasnand and I are both in our 40's,early 40's. Three children ages 15,10, 7. Last time we had sex was about 2 months ago but I could honestly be happy with no sex for the rest of my life. It feels like such a chore to be blatantly honest. I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. I know he is frustrated and we had an argument about this the other night after a few drinks. He says I never make advances or initiate sex but I said that I have in the past and that I always would ask him to come to bed same time as me and give us time to cuddle and rub my back, I absolutely love to be touched and rubbed but he would never come up same time to bed he wastes every night watching tv. Not romantic. And if I ever did ask to give me a back rub or cuddle or just be close.then it's 5 minutes of that only and then he is pressing himself against me. I hate that. I know hate is strong word but I do. He gives no time for my emotional need of connection but was giving out about mens needs and how his needs should be satisfied. It actually turned me off so much listening to him talking about how a man has needs that I don't ever want to have sex with him again. He is always so moody during the days and not one bit attentive to me that I've just given up caring about his sexual needs really. I hate when we have a few drinks,rare enough and it's nearly expected that we will have sex and it's worse then cos he starts groaning and moaning how sexy I am and I know it's not exactly dirty talk but it's so irritating cos he never gives me any other type of affection, he wouldn't be one bit observant otherwise to pay me a compliment. Aibu to feel like this?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/01/2022 00:11

He sounds insufferable. If you want to stay married then I'd suggest counselling to get you both back on the same wavelength.

Otherwise I'd declare it dead in the water and look at how to leave.

minipie · 03/01/2022 00:12

YANBU

His needs should be satisfied? Ugh. You are not his wanking device.

Morewinehenry · 03/01/2022 00:19

Sex isn't the problem here.

Your problem is your husband because he has no understanding of your physical and emotional needs or how to satisfy them. So YANBU to never want sex with your husband.

But sex with a partner who takes the time to work out your needs and satisfy them is mind blowing. So YABU to say you'll never have sex again.

Have good sex but never have shit sex again.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2022 00:39

Leave. He is a selfish, misogynistic prick without an ounce of emotional intelligence who doesn't know the first thing about women. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him, no woman would. It won't get any better. Are you going to spend the rest of your life with this boorish idiot?

PermanentTemporary · 03/01/2022 00:43

Sounds like you don't give a crap about each other any more.

You could rewrite the post from his angle? Once upon a time you were in love, you got married. How does he think about this stuff?

Original poster

namerchanger2 · 03/01/2022 00:43

Wow, thank you, I honestly thought I would get advice on how to increase my low libido. Maybe I really am being reasonable. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

namerchanger2 · 03/01/2022 00:45

@PermanentTemporary yes maybe you are right in what you are saying, that sounds so sad 😞

OP posts:

Quirkyme · 03/01/2022 01:31

@thepeopleversuswork

Agree

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2022 01:35

FFS, end this misery of a marriage already. It's dead and it's not going to be revived.

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/01/2022 01:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RachAnneKirl90 · 03/01/2022 02:03

Your marriage is dead.
If you carry on in the marriage, he will have an affair and you won't be happy with that, either.
Just end it.

SunscreenCentral · 03/01/2022 03:06

If you love him, if he makes you laugh, if (outside the bedroom and away from the humdrum) you enjoy him, I'd give it another try.
He's not seeing you as the person he fell in love with, you're just a co-parent now who is also a warm body in the bed (who he probably still really fancies) but what the fuck does that matter.
No more shit sex.
Ask him if he wants to explore together how you both can try to reconnect as people.

Or, well, you know the rest

nalabae · 03/01/2022 03:15

I’m 32 and I’m the same

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/01/2022 05:08

I completely get why you are so turned off by him atm. He's giving you nothing more than a few cursory strokes in a "let's get this shit out the way, then I'm in", kind of thing and you're left feeling like a wanksleeve. It's a shame that he doesn't see how with a bit more effort on his part you could both be having great sex with each other instead of which he's repelling you. Unless you're completely done with him, I'd consider relationship counselling.

Chasingaftermidnight · 03/01/2022 05:27

It doesn’t sound like you have a problem with sex but a problem with your husband. You may want to have sex with someone who doesn’t treat you like a wanking sock. But it’s hardly surprising you’re not attracted to a man who can’t be arsed with your needs whilst he tells you have a duty to service his.

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 05:29

Have you ever enjoyed sex with him? Has he ever made an effort? Or is this how it's always been and with years of kids and the daily grind between you (and let's face it the increasing self knowledge and self confidence that comes with age) you just cannot be fucked with putting up with that any more?

My partner and I used to have amazing sex.. to be honest it was sometimes the only thing keeping us together! My libido tanked after baby 1 and has never really got back to where it was except for a blissful month or so after starting citalopram (think my dose was off and I was a bit high frankly). It's really damaged our sex life longer term as it turns out he is incredibly validated by sex emotionally and without it has been feeling very unloved and switching off, which of course makes me feel unloved and under pressure to "perform". We've had lots of discussions about it, some of them fruitful - on the plus side he is a modern man so none of this "I have needs and you should service them regardless of your feelings" rubbish, but fundamentally it boils down to him being very unhappy if we aren't having regular sex so the upshot is the same.

However BECAUSE I know my enjoyment does matter to him; and BECAUSE we used to have great sex that I used to love and I want one day to feel like that again; and tbh because I want him to be happy, both for his own sake and for the sake of our family life; I am keeping things "turning over" as much as I can. I find it easier if I plan and initiate reasonably frequently rather than being "asked" (and so does he as lost confidence after so many "not tonight"s). I feel in control then rather than pestered. But it does feel like a chore. Often one with a very pleasurable outcome but I'd never not rather just go to sleep 😬 I really hope when breastfeeding is done and more sleep is happening in general it will become more joyful and sincere.

So I guess my question is - is there something to be saved here? Has he just become lazy? Have you? Well not lazy but exhausted and intimacy has been deprioritised? Where are you at hormonally?

To be honest he sounds like an arsehole. If you've told him explicitly you need more time to warm up, and more general intimacy and more specifically massage and touch to get you in the mood and he's not obliging, or only in the most tokenistic way, rhen he doesn't really want sex with you at all, he just wants an orgasm, and he can get one of those at the end of his arm.

Derelicthome · 03/01/2022 05:33

When respect goes so does attraction.

Chasingaftermidnight · 03/01/2022 05:33

He is always so moody during the days and not one bit attentive to me that I've just given up caring about his sexual needs really. I hate when we have a few drinks,rare enough and it's nearly expected that we will have sex and it's worse then cos he starts groaning and moaning how sexy I am and I know it's not exactly dirty talk but it's so irritating cos he never gives me any other type of affection, he wouldn't be one bit observant otherwise to pay me a compliment.

Forgot to say - it’s also not surprising that you don’t want to have sex with someone who isn’t very nice to you on a day-to-day basis.

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 05:38

Another thing I do is try to initiate in the evening after kids in bed rather than wait until "bedtime" - as by then I want to go to fucking sleep. I told other half I didn't remotely feel turned on by sex being an expected "afterthought" at the end of a long day - we are always very busy with evenings often accounted for, but I've explained I get so very little sleep that sex after 11pm is a luxury I don't can't afford and if he prioritises it so highly he will need to make time for it, not just tack it on at the end of the day. He understands this and agrees. Also helps us both I think because in my head it's then "out of the way", the pressure is off and I can enjoy his company and more chaste intimacy without worrying about it "turning into" a request for sex, and he being post coital is more relaxed and affectionate which is a win for us both. Rather than the sinking "oh no" feeling of an approach being made just after the pyjamas go on and the lights go out!

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2022 07:55

I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him. Do you think it could change if you had relationship counselling or do you feel like it’s run it’s course?

grapewine · 03/01/2022 08:03

Just end it.

GoodnightGrandma · 03/01/2022 08:06

He just wants a shag, he doesn’t want to make the effort to ‘romance’ you.
And him saying it’s your fault is him setting the scene for him using porn or going elsewhere.
No one finds a sex pest a turn on.

Unhomme · 03/01/2022 08:16

Taking a contrarian view, you're both at fault for not considering each others needs or wants. Maybe he also hates rubbing your back but does it on the expectation (you've both developed over time) that it leads to sex.

Of course he shouldn't expect sex, but it's is a part of a loving relationship. You need to talk about it, as I bet you've not told him that you hate having sex with him. Poor man.

And the people saying 'just end it' need to give their heads a wobble. In a marriage problems are there to be worked through. I bet most of you saying that have a history of failed marriages...

GoodnightGrandma · 03/01/2022 08:17

What’s that saying about men need sex to feel loved, but women need to feel loved to have sex.

autieok · 03/01/2022 08:50

The issue is he doesn't need to feel emotionally close to you to want and have sex but you do need to. (Or did at least) aThe kisses, cuddles, massages, words of affection are all part of a romantic relationship as is sex, sexual acts and fore play. He's cherry picking what he needs and not giving you what you need, or only briefly providing it's followed by sex. Of course you don't want to have sex.

Do you want to stay with him, if yes then you would probably benefit from couples therapy to try and get you both on track.

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