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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy if I never had sex again?

41 replies

namerchanger2 · 03/01/2022 00:07

Hello
Obviously have name changed for this. Wondering how common or uncommon it is to feel as I do. My hasnand and I are both in our 40's,early 40's. Three children ages 15,10, 7. Last time we had sex was about 2 months ago but I could honestly be happy with no sex for the rest of my life. It feels like such a chore to be blatantly honest. I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. I know he is frustrated and we had an argument about this the other night after a few drinks. He says I never make advances or initiate sex but I said that I have in the past and that I always would ask him to come to bed same time as me and give us time to cuddle and rub my back, I absolutely love to be touched and rubbed but he would never come up same time to bed he wastes every night watching tv. Not romantic. And if I ever did ask to give me a back rub or cuddle or just be close.then it's 5 minutes of that only and then he is pressing himself against me. I hate that. I know hate is strong word but I do. He gives no time for my emotional need of connection but was giving out about mens needs and how his needs should be satisfied. It actually turned me off so much listening to him talking about how a man has needs that I don't ever want to have sex with him again. He is always so moody during the days and not one bit attentive to me that I've just given up caring about his sexual needs really. I hate when we have a few drinks,rare enough and it's nearly expected that we will have sex and it's worse then cos he starts groaning and moaning how sexy I am and I know it's not exactly dirty talk but it's so irritating cos he never gives me any other type of affection, he wouldn't be one bit observant otherwise to pay me a compliment. Aibu to feel like this?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2022 08:54

I felt like that too about five years ago when I was still married and 40. Now I'm divorced, I've discovered that it wasn't sex I didn't like, it was sex with my exhusband, who (like you) I didn't like.

picklemewalnuts · 03/01/2022 08:58

Word of warning- I kept thinking that one day we'd have time to work on it, that we'd be in the right place emotionally and time/energy wise etc.... never happened. 29 years later and we're happily married but haven't had sex for years, and it wasn't great back when we did.

Sort it out now. It won't get better for waiting.

Camembear · 03/01/2022 09:04

Talk to him about it and tell him you need more cuddles etc.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/01/2022 09:08

It sounds like you are married to an inconsiderate bore, and I am not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him.

The problem isn’t sex though, it’s a complete collapse in communication. He is being a bore - IF he is thinking about you as a person at all, he presumably has no idea what’s wrong. Do you want to stay married? If you do I would arrange marriage guidance counselling so you can talk openly about the big picture and see if it can be fixed - if it can’t, then it can also help you separate amicably.

Whatever you decide, I don’t think either of you is getting through another 40 years of marriage like this.

MaryAndHerNet · 03/01/2022 09:10

Leave him.
You can either find someone you want to have sex with, or don't.
I'm single, have been for years, I don't miss sex even a little and haven't met any person I want to shag tbh.

2022beesknees · 03/01/2022 09:21

YANBU

It's him, it isn't you.

It sounds like he's stopped putting the effort in. I doubt this is going to resolve itself if you no longer find him sexually attractive.

Shoobydooer · 03/01/2022 09:42

So many threads on here at the moment I can identify with - not a good thing at all but good to see this perspective and so much good advice. I don't have anyone to speak to about this irl.

I am the same OP. Yes it's an issue with my relationship but now also perimenopause - the idea of sex with anyone is quite repulsive these days.

SwimmingIntoMotherhood · 03/01/2022 11:38

Have you ever considered he isn't affectionate because you stopped being affectionate to him a while ago?

I had similar to this in the reverse with my last marriage, he went off sex and over time I stopped caring, stopped wanting to hug him, hold him, kiss him. I'd have loved to have sex but didn't feel that closeness anymore as the sex was gone.

And he isn't wrong about needs being met. He is coming at it in a very clumsy and presumptive way but if you genuinely don't want to have sex with him anymore you need to do you both a favour and end this marriage or look at external options.

justasking111 · 03/01/2022 12:51

If he took his needs elsewhere could you handle that @namerchanger2

FlasherMcGruff · 03/01/2022 13:32

I’m sure you could probably summon up the energy for George Clooney or some other hot man who was dedicated to your pleasure. The problem here is with him being an unappealing prospect in bed, not with you.

Camembear · 03/01/2022 14:08

@SwimmingIntoMotherhood

Have you ever considered he isn't affectionate because you stopped being affectionate to him a while ago?

I had similar to this in the reverse with my last marriage, he went off sex and over time I stopped caring, stopped wanting to hug him, hold him, kiss him. I'd have loved to have sex but didn't feel that closeness anymore as the sex was gone.

And he isn't wrong about needs being met. He is coming at it in a very clumsy and presumptive way but if you genuinely don't want to have sex with him anymore you need to do you both a favour and end this marriage or look at external options.

Sounds like the DH can’t be arsed with affection himself to be honest.
Hankunamatata · 03/01/2022 14:20

Do you want to have sex or just not with dh?

Original poster
namerchanger2 · 03/01/2022 21:10

Thank you to all. You have really given me different ways to view this. Thanks to all who replied. I do love him. He is a really good person, a great father too. I just think I have fallen out of love, hopefully temporarily,is that even a thing. We have had an awful day. He started this morning off by being grumpy and giving out about things around the house. I asked could I talk to him. We had a really deep conversation that started off with him blaming me for everything negative in his life. I asked for an example but he couldn't give me any. He says he feels invisible and that I take charge. I told him I have always asked and asked for him to help me with family decisions and plans. He just has no interest in taking charge and deciding on family decisions such as holidays, birthdays, Christmas, etc. he agreed when I said all this to him so I said you let me take charge because you don't want to but how am I to blame. We spoke about sez and I told him that I do t want to have sex with anyone who is always grumpy and giving out and who never has conversations with me and who happily sits there watching telly with no interest in talking or cuddling or showing me affection. He also had an argument with two of the kids this morn about them not listening to him so he probably was feeling quite invisible. He got very upset and opened up to me about how he actually thinks he shouldn't be here and how we would all be better off without him, how no one listens to what he has to say(this can be true at times because he is always negative and it's hard to listen to.)
He actually cried(he never cries) and said he is fed up with life and can't do this anymore and doesn't know what to do. So I hugged him, told him we will get help and that of course we love him but I'm finding his behaviour towards me and his whole moods very difficult too. He is making an appt with doc tomo. I feel so so bad that things have gotten so bad between us😞

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/01/2022 21:52

Baby steps @namerchanger2 this is a good start

MaryAndHerNet · 03/01/2022 22:55

That sounds positive OP.
But, you have to be sure he goes through with finding help.

I'm not saying he is, but it's worth remembering that men will soon turn on water works if they feel they're life changing etc etc.

Draineddraineddrained · 03/01/2022 23:01

It's really good you've had an open talk OP, even though it sounds hard. I have always really really struggled to get my DP to open up and talk properly about our relationship and his feelings - it feels so one sided and uphill sometimes as I go on and on trying to get to the bottom of things while he just looks hunted and says "I dunno" over and over like a teenager. I think the lowest ever ebb in our relationship was when I knew we needed to have one of those "what are we doing with our lives" conversations and the thought of how much hard work and pulling teeth it was going to be actually made me want to break up with him instead just so I didn't have to do it. But in the end I girded my loins and did it, and it WAS indeed tortuous, but in the end it was very productive and useful. Youve taken a big step today, and it's probably a revelation to realise he isn't just stomping through life happy as Larry, that he's not happy either, that he wouldn't be perfectly happy if you just robotically put out at regular intervals. Hopefully the help he is seeking will make a big difference xx

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