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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to sell on a pram that was gifted to me

37 replies

Matwood · 02/01/2022 20:14

My cousin very kindly gave me her old Bugaboo pram when I was pregnant (she and her husband had been given it by a colleague of her husband). I only used it a few times with my little boy - found wearing him in a carrier much easier, and now I occasionally use a collapsible stroller. Although we're hoping to have another baby I just don't see myself using the pram, so decided to get rid of it.

My partner assumed I would try to sell it but I told him I don't feel right selling it, I was planning on giving it away. He became quite cross and said it just shows that I assume he will always provide money and that I'm not careful enough with it and I need to think about providing for my family more.

For context, he has his own business and earns approx. £50000 a year, I work 30 hours a week as a nurse and earn about £23000/year. We split bills and childcare (not half and half, he does pay more) and I pay something towards the mortgage but not a great deal, as I'm not on it. We are engaged.

AIBU to want to give the pram away, as it was gifted to me? It's in fairly decent condition but was well used by my cousin.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 20:16

Your partner sounds like a dick. I hope your eyes are wide open with this one.

LividLaVidaLoca · 02/01/2022 20:16

Pram is a red herring.

You need to stop paying a mortgage you’re not on without the legal protection of marriage. Engagement doesn’t legally protect you.

GinIronic · 02/01/2022 20:17

Lots of red flags OP.

bravefox · 02/01/2022 20:19

Is it really when yours? First thing I would do is offer it back to your cousin. They might know somebody else who needs it or say they are happy for you to sell it which might mean you feel less weird about it.

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 20:19

I think there’s something really off about profiting from selling something you’ve been given for free, I’d have to be skint, on the bones of my arse, to consider doing that.

Give it away, pay it forward, good karma and all that.

Sirzy · 02/01/2022 20:20

Giving it away to someone who needs it is the right thing to do.

I would stop paying towards a mortgage you aren’t on. Keep that money to one side as a safety net unless he agrees to add you

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 20:20

@TooWicked

I think there’s something really off about profiting from selling something you’ve been given for free, I’d have to be skint, on the bones of my arse, to consider doing that.

Give it away, pay it forward, good karma and all that.

Completely agree.

notacooldad · 02/01/2022 20:20

You need a quick think about your relationship and how to protect yourself!!
In 30 plus years I have been with DH and at times earned a lot less than him ( He is self employed and earns a lot more than your partner) he has never once commented on my earnings or told me about providing for our family more. I find that an outrageous comment from him.

You are doing yourself no favours by paying someone elses mortgage.
Wise up.

gunnersgold · 02/01/2022 20:21

You can't sell something that was given to you , well you can but in my opinion you shouldn't . You shouldn't gain from someone else's kindness , surely he gets that? 🙄

Darkstar4855 · 02/01/2022 20:21

Agree with PP, he sounds like a dick. I hope when you say he pays more towards bills that he pays twice as much as you since he earns twice as much.

You’d be doing a nice thing passing it on to someone else free as it didn’t cost you anything.

DarkCorner · 02/01/2022 20:21

He’s being an idiot, about more than just the pram! I’d be careful with this one. Just tell him your cousin would like it back then join a private baby give away group (we have one in our area) and quietly give it away. I would also feel bad for selling on a gifted pram. Or sell and offer your cousin half?

winterchills · 02/01/2022 20:21

He sounds awful! Of course it wouldn't be right to sell a gifted park, you should re gift it to someone in need. And why are you paying towards the mortgage if your not even on it!!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 20:22

@notacooldad

You need a quick think about your relationship and how to protect yourself!! In 30 plus years I have been with DH and at times earned a lot less than him ( He is self employed and earns a lot more than your partner) he has never once commented on my earnings or told me about providing for our family more. I find that an outrageous comment from him.

You are doing yourself no favours by paying someone elses mortgage.
Wise up.

I hope you pay attention to every word of this, op. There are red flags all over your relationship.

Bagamoyo1 · 02/01/2022 20:22

Are you certain your partner’s business is thriving?

notacooldad · 02/01/2022 20:22

I think there’s something really off about profiting from selling something you’ve been given for free, I’d have to be skint, on the bones of my arse, to consider doing that.

Give it away, pay it forward, good karma and all that.

The pram is the least of the worries! It is the OP partner's attitude to her that is worrying. Added to the fact that she is contributing to a mortage that she isn't even on the deeds is the double whammy.

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 20:25

I pay something towards the mortgage but not a great deal, as I'm not on it. We are engaged.

Get your name on the deeds to the house or stop paying towards it.

I'd ignore being engaged from a financial point of view. Until you're married don't combine finances.

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 20:26

I personally would either sell the pram (even if it's for a really low price) and give the money to your cousin

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 02/01/2022 20:35

He became quite cross and said it just shows that I assume he will always provide money and that I'm not careful enough with it and I need to think about providing for my family more.

Well, now you know exactly how he feels about you: because you earn less than him you are a) a burden and b) beholden to him - he expects to be able to tell you how to manage your money.

Will he continue to expect to have more spending money than you (which I assume is what you meant in your OP, that he pays more than you but not so much to make sure you both have the same amount left over) when you are married, and to have a say in how you spend your share (but of course, you won't have any say over how he spends his money)? If you are not a family unit now, when you share a home (though not a legal entitlement to it) and children, then when will you be, in his eyes?

Did you realise this was how he saw you? I am currently a SAHP married to a high earner (he earns significantly more than your partner) but we have done most of the permutations including me being the much higher earner (by a factor of three). We have always just pooled everything because we are a team. He didn't have three times less personal money than me when I was the higher earner. He would never be so mean as to try to sell on a gifted item or so controlling as to tell me how to spend my money (all of which he has actually earned, in our current set up!).

If you do marry him then you'd be entitled to half the joint assets as a starting point in case of a divorce (probably more, if you're the primary carer for children). Because the courts believe there is more than one way to contribute to a relationship.

Itshothothot · 02/01/2022 20:35

I don’t believe in selling something you were given for free.

I would offer it back and ask what they would like you to do with it.

Clymene · 02/01/2022 20:37

You r biggest issue is that you're contributing to the mortgage when you're not married. This combined with the pram issue, indicates that you're with a financially mean man.

Even if you sold the pram for £50k, he wouldn't be entitled to any of it. Just like you're not entitled to any of the profit when he sells his house.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP

Cryalot2 · 02/01/2022 20:41

Agree with much of what has been said.
First thing take legal advice about the mortgage.
You need to do this asap.

Revaluate your relationship.

As for the pram, offer to your cousin first and take it from there.

thetinsoldier · 02/01/2022 20:42

@LividLaVidaLoca

Pram is a red herring.

You need to stop paying a mortgage you’re not on without the legal protection of marriage. Engagement doesn’t legally protect you.

This!!

ParkheadParadise · 02/01/2022 20:43

Your Man sounds a right Prick.

We paid £1,000 for a pram for dd.
2 years later we gave it to a charity that helps teenage mothers along with the cot and all the baby stuff.
No drama from DH and he earns a lot more than your man.

Tal45 · 02/01/2022 20:44

Yikes, this is surely one of those situations that are always talked about on MN where posters say women need to make sure they're married before they have kids for financial protection.

If you were to split up OP what are you going to do? Where are you going to live? Forget the buggy, please don't have any more children with this man until you are married.

Original poster

Matwood · 02/01/2022 20:44

Regarding the mortgage, I'm torn as I'm paying less than I did when I was renting, and I never wanted to be whatever the female equivalent of a 'cock lodger' is. But I am struggling more and more with his approach to our finances.

OP posts:

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