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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I say anything wrong?

35 replies

RainbowBriteUk · 02/01/2022 18:04

My ex got in touch with me out of the blue a few weeks back. We were together for ten years and lived together for eight.

When we broke up it was very fraught and we ended up not speaking until last year when we spoke again. We ended up having sex a few times but I feel he used me during that time.

I told him I felt used and he took offence and blocked me. All fine by me.

Then a few weeks ago he unblocked me. When we were still living together, he came home very inebriated one night and told me he was gay. It was the early hours, we were separated by that point and I told him I'd always support him but to go to bed and we'd talk about when he sobered up. He wasn't upset, he just said it matter of factly.

After that, things went downhill, he was treating and speaking to me badly, going out every night and we didn't get to spend time together so it was never mentioned again.

Since our break up a few years ago he hasn't dated anyone else as far as i'm aware.

Last night we were texting. He was drunk again and he was talking about a friend who I've met and how they were going on a break soon which they do every few weeks (both earn a fair amount). His very close friends, who I still speak to sometimes have all said he's gay. I then said that he and this friend spend a lot of time together (every night to be exact), frequent gay venues together, and I asked if he is gay. He went off on one at me so I said I just wanted to offer support if he was and that's why I was asking. It's always something I've wondered about since.

He's gone mad and I guess that's that again, no more communication for us, but was I unreasonable to bring it up?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2022 18:06

It’s an odd thing to ask.

It’s also odd to try to be friends with someone who treated you very badly. What’s your thinking there?

crazyjinglist · 02/01/2022 18:08

Why are you worrying about saying the wrong thing to a man who has messed you about, used you and treated you badly? In fact why are you even in touch with him? It sounds like an unhealthy relationship- what's in it for you?

RainbowBriteUk · 02/01/2022 18:11

@PurpleDaisies

It’s an odd thing to ask.

It’s also odd to try to be friends with someone who treated you very badly. What’s your thinking there?

I know. My emotions around the relationship are still very damaged I suppose. I don't know what made me ask it. Maybe wanting to know if I was ever what he really wanted?
OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 02/01/2022 18:14

Tbh it was none of your business because he’s an ex so yes I don’t think you should have asked

HTH1 · 02/01/2022 18:16

It does sound like he was gay and in denial, so it’s much better that you know this now.

Don’t worry about what he thinks, onwards and upwards. Plenty of (straight) fish in the sea.

Namechangehereandnow · 02/01/2022 18:18

I’m confused - he told you he was gay a while back … why would you ask him now if he’s gay? Surely you know he is as he’s already told you? Confused

Vapeyvapevape · 02/01/2022 18:23

For your own sake , cut all ties with him, he’s an ex , he treated you badly, you need to move on and all the time you are in contact with him you won’t be able to.

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 18:25

Stop talking to him!

And he told you he was gay once why do you feel you should interrogate him further.

Lavender24 · 02/01/2022 18:28

I think you really really need to block him on all platforms and go NC. He is not bringing anything positive to your life. I can understand you wanting to know if he's gay since you were together for so long but it doesn't sound like he's even come to terms with it himself yet so I don't think you're going to get any closure from him.

Waspsarearseholes · 02/01/2022 18:28

This does sound a bit like scab-picking to be honest. It's neither here nor there; try to move on and forget about him.

BoredZelda · 02/01/2022 18:31

Bizzare situation. Just block him and move on.

Hunderland · 02/01/2022 18:46

This is the zillionth post from you on this.

YES HE IS GAY

NO HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU

Hopefully that's cleared it up although none of the others did so God knows why this post will be different... Hmm

InFiveMins · 02/01/2022 18:53

I really think you need to break free from him OP. You aren't getting anything from this at all and investing your energy into him is pointless. Block him and move on with your life.

phishy · 02/01/2022 19:09

@Hunderland

This is the zillionth post from you on this.

YES HE IS GAY

NO HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU

Hopefully that's cleared it up although none of the others did so God knows why this post will be different... Hmm

😂
WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 19:09

Honestly I think it’s irrelevant.

You need to just get on with your life else you will look back in a few years and be annoyed that you wasted so much time on him.

He doesn’t want to be with you and it sounds like he doesn’t want you as a friend much either.
Take the hint and move on.
It’s easier said than done but you’ve wasted too much time on this guy already. Make 2022 a new start!

RainbowBriteUk · 02/01/2022 21:23

@Hunderland

This is the zillionth post from you on this.

YES HE IS GAY

NO HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU

Hopefully that's cleared it up although none of the others did so God knows why this post will be different... Hmm

This my ex we're talking about. Not my best friend. Surely that would have clicked if you'd have read my posts properly?
OP posts:
RainbowBriteUk · 02/01/2022 21:24

@Namechangehereandnow

I’m confused - he told you he was gay a while back … why would you ask him now if he’s gay? Surely you know he is as he’s already told you? Confused
Hi @Namechangehereandnow It's a different person i'm talking about.
OP posts:
hugr · 02/01/2022 21:33

When we were still living together, he came home very inebriated one night and told me he was gay.

That's not what you said in the OP

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2022 21:35

Why are you even messaging your ex?

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 21:35

When we were still living together, he came home very inebriated one night and told me he was gay. It was the early hours, we were separated by that point

This person. Whoever this is? Your ex? They have literally told you they are gay.

KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 21:35

@hugr Cross posted sorry

bestofme21 · 02/01/2022 21:42

OP's ex is gay. They were together for ten years, then not (after telling OP he was gay), he got back in touch, they had sex, then split again.

OP asked her gay ex if his friend is also gay. They spend a lot of time together go to gay bars, may be they are a couple (gay).

OP you are way too invested in someone who has treated you badly. It's time to draw a line and move on.

HE'S GAY and likely now in a relationship.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 02/01/2022 21:42

You have very poor boundaries. You need some therapy.

Vapeyvapevape · 02/01/2022 21:47

So your ex is gay and now you think your best friend is gay and you asked your ex if he also thinks your friend is gay ?

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2022 21:50

This my ex we're talking about. Not my best friend. Surely that would have clicked if you'd have read my posts properly?

So you're wondering about whether both your ex and best friend are gay?

Why do you care?