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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be expected to do this?

40 replies

Houseofboys2710 · 02/01/2022 14:50

First time poster here..
Just want to get other peoples opinions as I'm not really sure if I'm in the right or wrong to feel how I do.
Ds 7 and 10s dad has recently got into a new relationship (when I say recent I mean about 2 weeks ago). His girlfriend lives an hour away from us, but he also has his own place 10 minutes away. He doesn't drive she does.
Last night he asked if the dc could go and stay with him over at hers. I've met her once. I didn't like the idea but I agreed provided they would pick them up and drop them back, to keep the peace as he has been known to kick off at me if he doesn't get his way and also because I knew dc would appreciate seeing him. I am now worrying this is going to become a regular thing. I am not prepared to do a 2 hour round trip when he has a place of his own 10 minutes away where he could have them, but also feel it isn't his girlfriends responsibility to taxi them around. Would that be really unfair of me? Should I be driving them any distance so they can see him? I do work and have a toddler to consider.
For background, he hasn't been consistent in their lives at all. We broke up 6 years ago after years of emotional abuse. For the first year he was with a new girlfriend and saw them regularly, but when she kicked him out he moved 2 hours away to his mums as he had no where else to go and saw them a handful of times in 4 years. He moved 10 minutes away a year ago and has continued to see then only a handful of times. He has taken a lot more interest in the last couple of weeks since he's been with his girlfriend. Also he doesn't work and never has so not as if he has been too busy with that to see them.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/01/2022 14:51

Do half of the ferrying

Chloemol · 02/01/2022 14:52

No you shouldn’t take them. It’s his choice to see someone that far away, he sorts travel out if he wants to take them there

steff13 · 02/01/2022 14:52

I wouldn't make that drive. If he wants to go to his girlfriend's house, they can make the arrangements between themselves.

Notimeforaname · 02/01/2022 14:53

If you drop them off..he gets them back. And vice versa

Crunchymum · 02/01/2022 14:55

His new GF of 2 weeks

Am I reading this correctly?

steff13 · 02/01/2022 14:55

@Notimeforaname

If you drop them off..he gets them back. And vice versa
Why should she do that?
Halloweencat · 02/01/2022 14:58

I wouldn't ferry them about, it's his responsibility. Why has he not learnt to drive? And he's only known her 2 weeks? I hope he's not going to leave them alone with her until he has got to know her properly. Too many evil step mums in the news lately!

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 14:58

@steff13

I wouldn't make that drive. If he wants to go to his girlfriend's house, they can make the arrangements between themselves.
This.
Ragruggers · 02/01/2022 14:58

I’m sure the new girlfriend will soon get fed up with him.Why doesn’t he work?He sounds useless just wait and see what happens.

Original poster
Houseofboys2710 · 02/01/2022 14:59

@Crunchymum

His new GF of 2 weeks

Am I reading this correctly?

Yes unfortunately you are...I understand the argument that I shouldn't have allowed the dc to meet her in the first place. But i guess that's his choice and I just want to keep the peace with him. He gets so nasty when he doesn't get his own way.
OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 02/01/2022 15:00

No you shouldn't be driving to and from the girlfriends house if he only lives 10 minutes away.

And yes 👍🏻 of course he wants to have them at the girlfriends with him,he gets to avoid those awkward questions and looking like a shitty father who's not involved with his kids and she ends up doing the grunt work for him whilst they are there.Winner winner chicken dinner for him.

Notimeforaname · 02/01/2022 15:02

Why should she do that?

Its just the suggestion I came up with,as the op asked.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2022 15:25

"He moved 10 minutes away a year ago and has continued to see then only a handful of times. He has taken a lot more interest in the last couple of weeks since he's been with his girlfriend."

Frankly, it's in no-one's interest for your ex to use your children to pretend to his new girlfriend that he is Father Of The Year. Because that is what he clearly intends to do.

It's not in your sons' interests to be paraded to new girlfriend and fawned over because it may mislead them into thinking their father gives a shit, and so the disappointment when truth dawns will be all the greaterSad.

It's not in the new girlfriend's interests to be misled into thinking her new boyfriend is a decent human, plus she'll be expected to do all the gruntwork.

It's not even in your ex's interests really, because girlfriend will wise up all the quicker to the scumbag he is (if she's paying attention).

"I agreed provided they would pick them up and drop them back, to keep the peace as he has been known to kick off at me if he doesn't get his way and also because I knew dc would appreciate seeing him."

Even if your sons would appreciate seeing him, as parents it is more important to protect them than to please them. And really, preventing him from kicking off was your primary reason. It's understandable, you're trying to do the right thing, by you and by your boys, and having to deal with an ex like him is not easy.

"I am now worrying this is going to become a regular thing. I am not prepared to do a 2 hour round trip when he has a place of his own 10 minutes away where he could have them, but also feel it isn't his girlfriends responsibility to taxi them around. Would that be really unfair of me? Should I be driving them any distance so they can see him?"
This is actually the easiest thing of all. You have no responsibility to ferry your sons to your ex's girlfriends home. Your responsibility is to make your sons available for an access visit to their dad. And please note, the access to their dad if for your sons' benefit, not their dad's. Whilst taking them 10 minutes to his would be very nice of you, travelling onwards from there to his girlfriend's house is totally his responsibility.

So no, it would not be unfair of you. And you should not be driving any distance demanded by your ex.

viques · 02/01/2022 15:53

Does she have car/booster seats?

Another one a bit freaked out at the two week relationship. Mind you, if she has any sense she will be knocking that on the head and looking for a better relationship that doesn’t imply live in babysitter/ taxi.

phishy · 02/01/2022 15:59

He lives 10 minutes away. No way should you be dropping them to an address an hour away.

Has he ground you down to this extent? Sad

Steelesauce · 02/01/2022 16:03

Not a chance would that be happening. He could kick off all he wants, a girlfriend of 2 weeks is not appropriate. Do whats best for your children.

AdaColeman · 02/01/2022 16:06

It's his responsibility to collect and return the children when he sees them.
It's odd in a very new relationship of only two weeks, that she should want to include his small children, they barely know each other yet.

Hb12 · 02/01/2022 16:09

You haven't t done anything wrong in 'letting' then meet her, it isn't up to you really. I would say you'll happily drop them to him, at his house. How he then gets somewhere else is his issue.

Worriedgranmasmithy · 02/01/2022 16:10

Be wary. If he wasn’t seeing them that much and now wants to see them he is using them to show he’s a good dad, good person, which he isn’t really.

I had this happen to me, met a man, asked when he saw his kids, he told me every other weekend, made plans to take his kids with my kids places etc etc. Was a bit gobsmacked years later to find out he hadn’t seen his kids before we were seeing each other, and after we broke up he stopped seeing them again.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 16:11

@Crunchymum

His new GF of 2 weeks

Am I reading this correctly?

This.

Why are they meeting a woman he barely knows?? It’s not a all fair on them, he needs to spend time w them and his GF separately.

So no, I wouldn’t do any ferrying to support this. Once they’ve been together a year and it looks like a keeper, I’d be up for them spending time with her, but I’d still expect him to do the ferrying (he can learn to drive in a year) but I’d help out occasionally if they were stuck.

Original poster
Houseofboys2710 · 02/01/2022 16:12

Thankyou all so much for the replies, I can now say a much more confident no when its inevitably asked of me.
Yes she does have carseats luckily as she has 2 dc of her own the same age as mine (not sure where they were when they picked up/dropped off mine). But yes agree with everyone with the uneasy feeling of letting them be around someone he's known a matter of weeks.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 02/01/2022 16:12

No. If he wants contact he can pick them up and take them to his home

Rosebel · 02/01/2022 16:20

It's ridiculous he's introduced them after 2 weeks and that would make me uneasy.
Unfortunately I think this will result in your ex seeing less of your children. I say that because it's not your responsibility to drive them to his girlfriend house and I don't think she will want to do it regularly.
However that's not your fault. If he wants to see the children then he picks up and drops off. Not your problem how he does it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2022 16:36

"Yes she does have carseats luckily as she has 2 dc of her own the same age as mine"

What a surprise (not)! And having her own children, she would find his lack of interest in his own children very strange and something of a red flag. So his sudden interest in his /your children is indeed, all for show.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2022 16:38

@Houseofboys2710

Thankyou all so much for the replies, I can now say a much more confident no when its inevitably asked of me. Yes she does have carseats luckily as she has 2 dc of her own the same age as mine (not sure where they were when they picked up/dropped off mine). But yes agree with everyone with the uneasy feeling of letting them be around someone he's known a matter of weeks.
Is the contact court-ordered or have you arranged it between yourselves?
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