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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'You'll never do that' -AIBU to hate people saying this?

38 replies

Cejvs · 02/01/2022 10:34

It really gets my goat when people dismiss what I'm saying with an airy you'll never do that/ you won't do it.

Latest example, and I know this is completely petty, I was sitting in the living room saying to DP that I was really pleased with how I'd arranged our Christmas trees/ decs this year and was going to take some photos so next year I could have that as a reminder to do it the same way. Oh you'll never do that was his response.

I found this massively irritating and told him so. He then said oh well I shouldn't say anything/ pardon me for speaking which is his default whenever I don't automatically agree with what he says.

I tried to explain why this annoys me, I've had a lot of people over the years tell me I won't or can't do things. Worst one was when I was in an abusive, shitty relationship years ago and my then closest friends, when I used to talk about how unhappy I was and was desperate to get out (but was financially trapped), used to say you'll never leave him. I did leave, no thanks to my friends though.

DP just doesn't get it, and just went down the he was only making a comment because I WON'T do it, and I'm the one being unreasonable.

So am I?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 02/01/2022 10:40

I think this petty argument is coming on the back of a lot of history that needs untangling and putting to bed.
You're blowing this bigger than it needs to be.
Without being unkind, it gets wearing listening to people complain about partners, but they stay. Your friends stated their opinion, they thought that you wasn't going to leave, they might have said that to spur you on to leave. But either way people are entitled to voice their opinions. Your DH could have kept his to himself though.

MerryChristmas21 · 02/01/2022 10:43

You're not BU to be annoyed by it.

Your (ex??) friends were not being supportive (but did it spur you on to prove them wrong?)

DP though... is he always like this? Do you often say you'll do xyz then not follow through (I have lots of good ideas that I didn't used to follow through on, but I've learnt to rephrase them, such as 'I love the way the decorations look, I should find an easy way to remind myself what I did this year, next year' and the supportive nouse you DP should make would be 'yes, it looks great, so that's a good idea!'

But if he has a point, you need to change your own behaviour first.

time2tork · 02/01/2022 10:44

@Cejvs

Totally understand you.

Say nothing, to anyone, and do what you want! And smile. X

LawnFever · 02/01/2022 10:47

I find the easiest way to shut up these kind of comments is to just do all the stuff.

This attitude once led to me going scuba diving on holiday when I’m completely afraid of the water, but when someone said I’d never do it my immediate reaction was ‘I’ll show you’

Original poster

Cejvs · 02/01/2022 10:51

I don't think my friends comments spurred me on, I remember at the time feeling utterly defeated and that no one was on my side or believed in me. Fortunately in the end I found enough self belief to dig myself out without any help whatsoever from any of them (credit to one other friend who was really supportive once I'd made the decision to leave and helped me move etc).

Back to the present and DP, I find him quite unnecessarily dismissive of me sometimes. It's odd because in other respects he can be encouraging (like when I was applying for new jobs he was really helpful, went through my CV and practised interview questions) but then he just comes out with these things. I'll admit like most people I probably don't do every single thing I plan to, but equally it's not like I never do any of them, I'm probably somewhere in between.

OP posts:

Velvetbee · 02/01/2022 10:56

Who are these people?
No, people are not constantly putting me down. They humour me, probably but they don’t verbalise their doubts.

Snowiscold · 02/01/2022 11:01

I don’t know anyone who says this, so I think maybe your viewpoint might be skewed if you think it’s a normal thing that “people” just say.

ShirleyPhallus · 02/01/2022 11:03

I dunno, I know people who say how much they’re going to do things but never do. I’m never sure why they need to say they’re going to do it, rather than just doing it

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 02/01/2022 11:15

I WON'T do it, and I'm the one being unreasonable.

It's OK to separate out what you do from what he says. "It doesn't matter whether I will do it in the end or not, saying "You'll never do it" is a putdown and I want you to stop saying that."

You could have a conversation with him about following through, and whether you do follow through or not, but it's a good rule of thumb that saying things with "you always" or "you never" is bad for communication.

I find him quite unnecessarily dismissive of me sometimes.

It's unnecessary to be dismissive at ANY time. Even if you really would never do it there is 100% no need for him to say so. "That's a good idea" covers it and then it doesn't matter of you do it or not.

In other respects he can be encouraging (like when I was applying for new jobs he was really helpful, went through my CV and practised interview questions)

Is there something about him not believing that you will succeed at things without his help? Or not wanting you to?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 02/01/2022 11:51

Nobody says this to me and if they did I’d be inclined to head-tilt and say “we shall see”.

Original poster

Cejvs · 02/01/2022 23:21

I don't know if he just says these things without thinking of how it makes me feel, but the 'oh I just won't say anything then' response he gives when challenged feels even worse somehow, it's like a way of closing down a discussion and turning it round so I look like the bad guy, for saying something upset/ annoyed me.

I'll put it down to spending too much time together over Christmas but if it happens again I will have more of a discussion with him. Provided he doesn't come out with the same response of course!

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 02/01/2022 23:28

His response is crap and very immature.

But do you have a habit of thinking aloud? Musing, imagining? So that people can't always tell the difference between a dreamy notion and a plan of action?

Did you take the pictures? (Think is, how long can that take, a couple of minutes?).

Original poster

Cejvs · 02/01/2022 23:40

I have a very long mental to do list, so am constantly adding things as others are ticked off or become obsolete. I'll admit I don't always do everything immediately (as an example I mentioned to DP during the summer that I was planning to reorganise the living room. I eventually did it in early December, but some of that delay was to do with changing furniture and some because I was still figuring out in my head what to do. Other things I might get done quicker, some I might mention but not get round to (a few weeks ago I heard about a local weekly Christmas market, mentioned it to DP that it might be something to pop along to. However I ended up doing other things on those days and didn't manage to go. But I think that's fairly typical, that some things we intend to do we do, some we don't and some take longer than planned. I wouldn't say he's much different to me in that respect

OP posts:

Original poster

Cejvs · 02/01/2022 23:43

I did the pictures later in the day (it was daylight at the time so I waited till it was darker). I didn't make a big point of telling him I'd done them though.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2022 09:23

Yes, well you do sound quite normal and he sounds like a Debbie Downer.

Original poster

Cejvs · 03/01/2022 11:12

He doesn't enjoy Christmas at all (he objects to the excess of it all) so that is probably a factor.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2022 11:29

I think the thing to reflect back to him is how his negative behaviour makes other people feel. That he isn't just expressing his own feelings into a void, or in a harmless way. Rather, that he has a power to affect other people, their feelings and experiences, that is real, outside him and that he might not fully recognise.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2022 11:31

...and that he has a choice about whether and how he does this. He could choose to keep his thoughts to himself. He could make careful choices about what he says out loud, what he says to you.

Rockbird · 03/01/2022 11:32

Ugh, getting this now. I have wanted to learn bass guitar for years. So last week at the age of 50 I thought sod it and bought the one I'd been hankering after. A very cheap one btw but gorgeous and a solid beginner instrument. The amount of ridicule and complete denial that I'll ever play a note on it are starting to completely piss me off. It's arriving in about an hour and I can't bloody wait to get started and shut them up!

billy1966 · 03/01/2022 11:35

Negative people are very draining to live with.

If he is like that, re think the relationship.

BillMasen · 03/01/2022 11:40

My partner has a habit of saying she’ll do something then it never happens. It can be really hard sometime to not say “no you won’t” when something gets suggested or promised.

Do you have a tendency to say you’ll do things then not? I can’t say anyone has ever told me I won’t do something but it happens to you lots?

BillMasen · 03/01/2022 11:42

@Rockbird

You go for it Bass is great, I’m pushing 50 and been playing 20 years.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2022 11:45

OP has already answered that question BillMasen.

The thing is, most people think out loud a bit, as a way of discussing ideas with the people they live with, or discovering whether they make as much sense when said out loud, as in their head. I wouldn't expect anyone to do everything they say they'll do. Unless it is only those things about which they say 'I will do this right now', then fail to get up out of their chair.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2022 11:51

Sometimes it's great just to do things, with no discussion. Follow your own thoughts with no regard to others. (Only works for individual projects that don't affect others, obviously!). It can help when you live with negative nellies, as they don't get the chance to drag you down or pollute your beautiful idea.

Then it just emerges that actually, you already do something.

Most people have lots of ideas, try a number of things and stick with a few. That's normal.

You can talk yourself out of things though, or allow yourself to be talked out of them. Too much thought can inhibit action. Sometimes taking the plunge then thinking by doing works really well.

BillMasen · 03/01/2022 11:54

@lottiegarbanzo

OP has already answered that question BillMasen.

Perhaps op is the sort who frequently “thinks out loud” with plans that never happen whilst her partner tends to think quietly and only announce a plan when it’ll definitely happen. To him, it seems like she never follows through.

I still wonder if lots of people say to her that she’ll not follow through that she does this a lot? Like I say, it’s never happened to me (I must be an internal planner not a thinker out loud)

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