'You'll never do that' -AIBU to hate people saying this?

[Cejvs]

It really gets my goat when people dismiss what I'm saying with an airy you'll never do that/ you won't do it.

Latest example, and I know this is completely petty, I was sitting in the living room saying to DP that I was really pleased with how I'd arranged our Christmas trees/ decs this year and was going to take some photos so next year I could have that as a reminder to do it the same way. Oh you'll never do that was his response.

I found this massively irritating and told him so. He then said oh well I shouldn't say anything/ pardon me for speaking which is his default whenever I don't automatically agree with what he says.

I tried to explain why this annoys me, I've had a lot of people over the years tell me I won't or can't do things. Worst one was when I was in an abusive, shitty relationship years ago and my then closest friends, when I used to talk about how unhappy I was and was desperate to get out (but was financially trapped), used to say you'll never leave him. I did leave, no thanks to my friends though.

DP just doesn't get it, and just went down the he was only making a comment because I WON'T do it, and I'm the one being unreasonable.

So am I?

Also I find that most people who say 'you'll never do that' are talking about themselves, projecting. It's comforting for them to think that no-one else will ever do anything either. It justifies their own laziness, lack of ambition or joie de vivre.

Um, she's already answered that point BillMasen as I've already told you...

Maybe read the thread?

@lottiegarbanzo

Um, she's already answered that point BillMasen as I've already told you...

Maybe read the thread?

Why so snippy?

I have and it’s not clear if she does this a lot with other people too. I was also just “thinking out loud” about different personality types…

@Cejvs

It really gets my goat when people dismiss what I'm saying with an airy you'll never do that/ you won't do it.

Latest example, and I know this is completely petty, I was sitting in the living room saying to DP that I was really pleased with how I'd arranged our Christmas trees/ decs this year and was going to take some photos so next year I could have that as a reminder to do it the same way. Oh you'll never do that was his response.

I found this massively irritating and told him so. He then said oh well I shouldn't say anything/ pardon me for speaking which is his default whenever I don't automatically agree with what he says.

I tried to explain why this annoys me, I've had a lot of people over the years tell me I won't or can't do things. Worst one was when I was in an abusive, shitty relationship years ago and my then closest friends, when I used to talk about how unhappy I was and was desperate to get out (but was financially trapped), used to say you'll never leave him. I did leave, no thanks to my friends though.

DP just doesn't get it, and just went down the he was only making a comment because I WON'T do it, and I'm the one being unreasonable.

So am I?

Three times I have done things after being told I’d never do them:

. Never be a writer. Now nine times published. Publishers didn’t seem to agree with person who said this.

. Never get a playground built in our village. Done.

. Never express milk and freeze it. Done for both babies.

Tell me I won’t be able to do something and you are lighting a touch paper.

Why so snippy?

Because I find the behaviour of people who talk as if their only reference point is themselves and their own experience, who cannot seem to believe that others truly experience things that they have not experienced themselves, or that such experiences could be just as authentic and important as their own, tedious and conversation-blocking.

It happens rather a lot on MN.

@lottiegarbanzo

Why so snippy?

Because I find the behaviour of people who talk as if their only reference point is themselves and their own experience, who cannot seem to believe that others truly experience things that they have not experienced themselves, or that such experiences could be just as authentic and important as their own, tedious and conversation-blocking.

It happens rather a lot on MN.

And yet you’re the one explaining how most people think out loud and don’t do everything they say they will.

I’m suggesting different personalities might act differently

Yanbu! I think it's so rude when people say this. Even if there's a history, like my mum talks a lot about courses she's going to do or fields she will train in and often doesn't begin ( think we are all guilty of this sometimes ) but I would never dream of saying you'll never do that. It is so rude and actually quite hurtful if you think about it. It's like saying 'whatever you're declaring to me I can see through and for whatever reason I don't believe you're capable of achieving that'. Rude rude rude don't blame you for being annoyed.

It's rudely dismissive and entirely unhelpful, quite frankly you'd be a bit mad if you enjoyed being put down for no good reason.

Your DH sounds like a twat.

YANBU.

I have a family member that does this all the time. As a young person I had no confidence and usually when they said it to me, I believed them and didn't even try.

Now I tend to respond with 'yes I will' and what I get back are reasons why I shouldn't do it, why I wouldn't succeed, and strong suggestions that I should do alternative things which I have no interest in. I tune most of it out. 'You'll never go to the gym' with a little laugh, and then when I did 'you shouldn't lift weights at the gym, it's not good for you, you should just use the treadmill instead'

I think sometimes we do recognise that a person declaring they're going to do something probably won't persevere with it or is unlikely to enjoy it - but unless there are significant consequences for failing or quitting whatever it is, it's much better to say nothing than to be negative. Taking photos of decorations to use again definitely doesn't fall into that category, even if he genuinely does think you won't do it.

It does feel a bit dismissive. He doesn't do it all the time, he'd be an ex if he did!

I think I've probably always had big ideas and plans, and a lot of the people I know don't. I'm sure some of them thought I had 'ideas above my station' - it started at school when I wanted to go to uni (not the norm at my school) and do what was seen as a competitive degree...and its gone from there. Jobs I've applied for, working full time when my DC were small, even stupid stuff like decorating my house, there's always been someone saying oh you'll never do that.

That at least is an improvement on my Ex who spent years telling me that I was incapable of most things, not just that I wouldn't do them but that I couldn't.

Maybe try replying really? Why do you think that? And see what they say.

I don’t think I can ever recall anyone ever saying this to me! Ever

I do know a lot of people who are "all talk and no action" but yet like to tell me what I'll never do ie. I join in conversation about tattoos as I'm interested in the subject and they say "oh but you'd never get a tattoo". It's very tempting to pull my trousers down and show them my 4 tattoos!