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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset parents won't come to wedding

31 replies

Frirya · 02/01/2022 01:28

Been engaged a year now and my mum brought up the conversation of did we have any plans for the wedding. I said it won't be a big wedding, just a registry office. I only have my parents and 1. Sibling to invite so for me to have a big wedding is impossible and I'd find it embarrassing to feel like I have no one to invite. Her response was that we should just elope to save her the 'hassle' of having to come.

It hurt to hear that as I thought we had a closer relationship than that and to know that the only people I have in the world to come to a small ceremony aren't interested. I spoke to my partner later on about what my mum had said and he basically said he wasn't looking forward to it and that I should just make the plans and tell him when to turn up.

I was so excited when he asked me to marry him. I dreamed about how my mum would come to wedding fairs with me like she did for my sister. Before my sister got married we went to lots of wedding fairs, we went dress shopping, helped her pick flowers and got excited for her. We planned a hen night and made the experience special and my mum enjoyed it. My mum has basically said to me she's not interested and to save her the hassle. I've never been married before
I'm in my 30s. My partner has shown no interest in even discussing his thoughts about what he would like. We've been together 10 years. We have a home, a family but his attitude is tell me when and il turn up.

I'm trying not to let it upset me, but looking at my ring reminds me that no one cares enough to spend a few hours at my wedding and my fiance is just turning up. I feel guilty for being upset.

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 02/01/2022 01:31

You have a family? Did your sister?
You want a small registry wedding (not usually linked with big dresses/flower etc). Did your sister?

Myyearmytime · 02/01/2022 01:31

Well what kind of wedding do you want?
How much can you afford?
What kind of hen night do you want?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 01:32

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. The attitudes of both your mother and partner are appalling. I'd be rethinking the entire thing, honestly.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivf · 02/01/2022 01:32

Oh what a horrible situation. I'm afraid I wouldn't be getting married in that situation. Your wedding day should be super special- you know that!!
Have you any idea what has triggered your mums response?
Does she not like your dp?
Has your fiancé ever shown interest in the wedding?

2pinkginsplease · 02/01/2022 01:34

If I were to do it again, I’d have the smallest wedding ever. Yeah it was a great day but you don’t need the flowers and the cars and huge cake and all the guests to get married. Just the two of you with two witnesses is what’s need, it all means the same,

I think your mum was a bit insensitive in how she said it but I think she was maybe trying to help you and say that if you want a small wedding then go for it. Many mums would be gutted to miss their daughters wedding but your mum obviously knows you’ve been together a while, you’ve got the house and the family. Maybe she was giving you her blessing to do as you wish.

Weenurse · 02/01/2022 01:36

I understand your disappointment.
If you already have a home and family, DM may view this as a legal requirement rather than the start of your lives together.
You can still ask DS to shop for a special dress with you and pick some flowers to carry or wear in your hair.
DP sounds like a lot of men I know who had the same attitude.

11GrumpsaGrumping · 02/01/2022 01:40

It sounds like your mum and partner are being awful- what are they like normally, eg, what is your relationship with both like?

SpankyPankhurst · 02/01/2022 01:59

Why get married now? It's usually a precursor to splitting up, if you get married after so long.

WhatToDo1988 · 02/01/2022 02:01

Could it be that the way you phrased your plans to your mum, it made it seem like you weren't really excited for it and she just made a throwaway comment as she felt a bit deflated? Your mum didn't actually say she won't come, you can be disappointed by her comment but don't exaggerate it into something else.

As to your DP, well, he's an arsehole. I married a man who made it clear he was marrying me for my sake. Cue lots of comments over time about how trapped he was, jokes about the old ball and chain, what a sacrifice he made for me etc. No one wants to hear they are a burden so I dumped him (for that and other reasons). What I'm saying is - do you really want to marry him? I wouldn't marry someone who is less than enthusiastic. You deserve better, to be appreciated, wanted!

I'd advise postponing any wedding plans and reasses.

Feelsunfair · 02/01/2022 02:24

@SpankyPankhurst

Why get married now? It's usually a precursor to splitting up, if you get married after so long.
Uhm, what?
Clymene · 02/01/2022 02:39

I think the bigger issue is that your partner doesn't seem remotely interested

RachAnneKirl90 · 02/01/2022 02:46

If you've been together for ten years and have a home and a family, what is the wedding about, with dreams of wedding fairs etc? You are not starting out on a life together, you are well through it. Perhaps that is also what your mother is thinking, and you could go off together and have a quiet wedding somewhere?

Your partner doesn't seem interested - after all, he has got everything he wanted without having to commit to marriage at all - he gains nothing in marrying you - in fact he becomes legally liable for binding financial commitment.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/01/2022 02:51

Have you actually set a date?

It's much easier to get excited about a wedding if there's an actual deadline, but given that you've been a couple for a decade, have a home together and a family, and you're planning a small wedding, why not just do it? Sorry you dp isn't that bothered, but I can see why.

needmoreshinys · 02/01/2022 02:57

I think it all depends on what sort of wedding you are after, a small wedding with myself, DP and 2 witnesses, I would just tell him what time to turn up and to sign the peice of paper, but we have both been married before and to us, it is more the legal side we want to sort.

If that is what your partner has in mind, I wouldn't be so upset with him, but from the way you have phrased your OP you want something bigger and a lot more input.

SquirrelG · 02/01/2022 03:13

I think the bigger issue is that your partner doesn't seem remotely interested

This. Why are you marrying someone who shows so little interest? My DH and I are no longer together, but we had a lovely small wedding, and I think he did more of the organising than I did! If he had shown the attitude your partner is I wouldn't have bothered with a wedding. It is supposed to be a special day for both of you.

habibihabibi · 02/01/2022 03:21

It will be that you have already got lives together. My mum is the same. When my cousin married she refused to go because she couldn't see the point of having a celebration when they already had children. She missed a great party .

tcjotm · 02/01/2022 04:14

@Feelsunfair that’s been my experience too (a couple together ages, get married, split not long after). I do know one exception though so I no longer automatically assume that will be the outcome.

I’m sorry OP, it doesn’t bode well that your partner has no interest. I kind of get your mother, weddings are a huge faff and your sister might’ve burned her out. Maybe she meant if it’s going to be so small you might as well elope for your sakes, to make it even easier?

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2022 05:07

if it's a small event in a registry office, how many wedding fairs do you need to attend?Hmm

Maybe it's because you've been together for a decde and have a family /your mother hated the experience the first time around / with covid isn't thrilled traipsing around crowded halls /thinks it unnecessasary for a small event - or a combination of the above.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/01/2022 05:10

I'd be telling DF that if he doesn't want to get married, to just tell me and we'll call it off. Not looking forward to it but I guess I'll show up if you tell me too wouldn't be good enough for me.

As for DM, be honest. Tell her you'd hoped to d oX even with a small wedding but she doesn't seem very interested - is it because it's a registry office do so she's not expecting much of a "do"?

SarahBellam · 02/01/2022 05:11

Does your mother dislike your partner? He sounds a bit rubbish, to be fair.

Poolhater · 02/01/2022 05:32

I got married almost 20 years ago. I started a new job that year; one of my new colleagues was also getting married the same day.
We were having the wedding in the church with a breakfast for 100 plus and an evening do for many more.
My colleague was having a really small affair - bride, groom and about 10 guests. They had a beautiful venue with a an intimate meal and a few drinks in the evening.
We both had wonderful days.
My point is this, you don’t have I have 100 guests to make it wonderful. You can have a small wedding and make it really special whether that’s you deciding to tie the note at a local registry office or splash the cash elsewhere.

You need to decide what you’d like to do. If you want the registry office, it’s your day, so do it. If you’d like more, then look into it.

AlternativePerspective · 02/01/2022 05:36

A wedding after 10 years of living together with kids is a bit of a non event really.

Essentially you’re already living together as a married couple, getting married is just the signing of a piece of paper at this stage, and a big wedding is a colossal waste of money.

So yeah, “just tell me when and I’ll turn up” is about the size of it.

Twinkleylight · 02/01/2022 05:42

That's shit attitude from both yourum and partner. In terms of wedding guests, do you not have extended family and friends that you could invite? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins & friends?

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:08

Do you not have any friends you'd like to invite? You clearly enjoyed your sister's wedding but as you're siblings how is it she had family to invite which warranted a larger "do" but you don't?
Can you maybe think of a slightly more imaginative way to get married that would meet your need for sth small but also special and which perhaps would be more appealing to your partner and your mum?

Feelsunfair · 02/01/2022 06:27

[quote tcjotm]@Feelsunfair that’s been my experience too (a couple together ages, get married, split not long after). I do know one exception though so I no longer automatically assume that will be the outcome.

I’m sorry OP, it doesn’t bode well that your partner has no interest. I kind of get your mother, weddings are a huge faff and your sister might’ve burned her out. Maybe she meant if it’s going to be so small you might as well elope for your sakes, to make it even easier?[/quote]
Oh well, not been mine.

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