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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving hiking club after breakup

65 replies

LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 17:37

So we broke up a few months ago after 4.5 year relationship. We were both in this hiking club for years before we started going out so have known each other a long time. At first I was undecided about whether I wanted to return or not, and haven't, as I wanted to take my time and see how I've felt. I've now decided to make a clean break and not return, even though I was upset about the whole thing initially, but I'm now happy with my decision and feel a sense of relief. He has returned. It was him that ended the relationship in an awful way. Friends say I'm letting him win but I don't see it like that as I don't want anything to do with him. I'm getting out hiking either alone or with a friend now. I'm also into running and cycling so keeping busy. I don't feel I need to return just to prove something, but I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. There's a lot of happy memories there, but it's kind of lost its appeal to me now. I'd be grateful for a few opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 01/01/2022 17:39

I think you've made the right decision. You've made one that protects both your emotional and mental well being and that's always a good choice Thanks

5thnonblonde · 01/01/2022 17:44

My ExH had an affair. A group of friends were upset they wouldn’t see him again so started trying to engineer group events with us both. The stress of not knowing if he and OW would be there got to me first so I politely explained I couldn’t deal with it and stepped back. Got it in the neck from one woman in particular but several others got in touch to say they’d stopped attending and thought I’d been treated very shoddily.

If you wouldn’t enjoy socialising with him it’s totally healthy to endure that doesn’t happen. You’re not ‘winning’ by grimly sticking it out and always worrying he might rock up and rain all over your parade.

Arabelladrinkstea · 01/01/2022 17:46

Since when is a break up about someone winning?
I hate it when people say this, I’d tell your friend to stick their nose out!
You’re a grown woman, you can make your own decisions.

Suzanne999 · 01/01/2022 18:03

If it’s lost its appeal then why go back?
You seem to have a lot of outdoorsy interests and there must be other groups around.

Original poster
LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 18:03

I know it might seem trivial but it was a big part of my life for many years and we did meet here.

OP posts:
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 01/01/2022 18:05

You've made the right choice if it's protecting your happiness. Whats to be gained from having to see him regularly? Ok, he could've had the decency to step back if he ended things but it's not about winning or losing. Are there other walking clubs you can join?

Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 18:07

Can't you just avoid the walks he signs up on? On my hiking group website page, you can see who signs up to what walk. So if he signs up for one you're already signed up to, you could remove yourself.

Original poster
LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 18:09

Yes, I thought he might have made some sort of gesture about me returning, but no. I know there's other clubs but it's not something I feel like doing right now, but maybe in time. It's just taking a bit of getting used to that it's not a part of my life any more, I suppose.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 01/01/2022 18:12

I think you've done the right thing for your mental health right now. You may decide at some point in the future that you want to go back to the hiking club, or you may not. That's entirely up to you. Do what makes you happiest. Your friends are upset on your behalf but they need to respect your wishes.

Malariahilaria · 01/01/2022 18:13

I think you sound incredibly sensible and logical. Why engage with the club when every interaction will bring stress. You seem to have plenty of other stuff going on, yes it's a shame he hasn't the decency to leave the club but you need to be able to relax in your leisure activities without constantly checking if he'll be there.

5thnonblonde · 01/01/2022 18:14

@Butchyrestingface I see your point but poor old OP would have to keep checking in to see if he’s signed up and couldn’t really look forward to it til the day- it’s not really gonna help her move on

5foot5 · 01/01/2022 18:17

I think you made the right decision and if you are still able to go out and do the activity you live with other people that's great. Do you miss any of the other club members? If there are any that you got along with particularly well maybe you could contact them and try to meet them socially in a different context, go for a drink or something

Original poster
LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 18:20

In normal times everyone just turns up and you don't know who's going to be there. In these Covid times, you register online and can see, but as a previous poster said, that would cause me no end of stress, wondering who'll register first etc.

OP posts:
WhatDidISayAlan · 01/01/2022 18:22

Join another club or group if you want company - Adventure Queens is a women’s only group that’s drama-free and has members nationwide. Learn navigation and go on your own - it’s empowering when you get from A to B under your own steam. Cycling and/or triathlon clubs are also really sociable places too.

5thnonblonde · 01/01/2022 18:23

Op in my situation I was immensely sad to step back but just so relieved to be shot of all the stress and just have a chance to move on without looking over my shoulder.

Original poster
LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 18:25

@ WhatDidISayAlan Yes, I've done a navigation course and have been branching out on my own and feel good afterwards!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 01/01/2022 18:26

[quote 5thnonblonde]@Butchyrestingface I see your point but poor old OP would have to keep checking in to see if he’s signed up and couldn’t really look forward to it til the day- it’s not really gonna help her move on[/quote]
True enough. I was thinking more along the lines of, hopefully he would avoid her walks and if so, she could carry on happily. If he made a point of signing up to her walks, then I'd be inclined to bow out.

But OP seems happy enough with her choice to leave anyway. There are other hiking groups to sign up to if she gets itchy gaiters again.

AD3000 · 01/01/2022 18:27

Definitely the right decision. It's not like you've given it up rather that you've moved on.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/01/2022 18:28

Sounds totally sensible.

It’s not about ‘winning’
And presumably there are other walking groups you could join

FanGirlX · 01/01/2022 18:28

I was the same and I joined another group. Ex and his new GF/OW were both in my old club. 3 years later I've built a new life for myself and have a group of friends that are mine, not his friends as well. I still hike with a few people from the other group but I don't meet them as part of the group. Everyone knows what happened and I don't feel comfortable going back to that group. That said, it does occur to me that if ex and OW split then one of them might end up in my new group!

Pl242 · 01/01/2022 18:36

Your friends are angry on your behalf, which shows they care about you. But as others have said, it’s not about winning. It’s about doing what makes you feel better. If it’s not going back and avoiding the stress and upset, then forging ahead with things that don’t involve him sounds sensible. You never know, in the future you may change your mind and return. But for now do what feels right for you.

Alaimo · 01/01/2022 19:06

I don't think you're letting him 'win', but it does sound like you're possibly depriving yourself of something you enjoy. Do members of the club ever go on hikes that are not club events? Or meet up for drinks socially? Would you be able to stay in touch & meet up with some of the people from the club, but outside of formal club activities?

Mummadeze · 01/01/2022 19:10

Maybe time will be a healer and you can go back one day to see your old friends. I think a clean break sounds like a good idea for now. It is not to do with winning or losing. Hope you feel better soon.

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/01/2022 19:20

OP I think you’ve done the right thing and I am a big believer in making space in your life for new things to come through.

Deciding to let go of something which doesn’t serve you (either right now or full stop) is a positive thing.

It doesn’t have to be forever if you choose to go back on hikes in the future but for now I would absolutely step away from it and search out other like minded people - without the baggage.

Whatabambam · 01/01/2022 19:28

You still sound a little conflicted which I totally understand. My relationship was fully embedded within a group of friends in a hobby that provided me with so many amazing memories, it's so hard to let go. My so called friends have never reached out to me despite the cruel way in which he ended the marriage. Honestly, it's tough realising that life has to move on and I heard all the arguments about letting him win. It's a zero sum game in the end. Going back won't work and moving forward is hard but probably the better of the two. I feel your pain.