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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving hiking club after breakup

65 replies

LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 17:37

So we broke up a few months ago after 4.5 year relationship. We were both in this hiking club for years before we started going out so have known each other a long time. At first I was undecided about whether I wanted to return or not, and haven't, as I wanted to take my time and see how I've felt. I've now decided to make a clean break and not return, even though I was upset about the whole thing initially, but I'm now happy with my decision and feel a sense of relief. He has returned. It was him that ended the relationship in an awful way. Friends say I'm letting him win but I don't see it like that as I don't want anything to do with him. I'm getting out hiking either alone or with a friend now. I'm also into running and cycling so keeping busy. I don't feel I need to return just to prove something, but I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. There's a lot of happy memories there, but it's kind of lost its appeal to me now. I'd be grateful for a few opinions. Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveHiking · 01/01/2022 19:39

@ Whatabambam everything you say is so true and resonates with my situation.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/01/2022 19:46

I personally dont think it matters who 'wins' or what the right thing to do is or what your friends say. What matters is, do you think you'd enjoy it? After the initial awkwardness (as the first couple of times are always going to be awkward even if you had a great relationship with him). If the answer is no then life is too short

Teatimes2 · 02/01/2022 05:03

You sound sensible and pragmatic and I think this will help you make a clean break - for the moment anyway. Sometimes after a breakup things like this lose their shine and it sounds like this may be the case for you. Have you had any contact from him about the club at all?

Emerald5hamrock · 02/01/2022 05:07

Yes you're making the right decision with a clear break.
I'm sorry he behaved awful at the end.
Onwards and upwards for you.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2022 05:23

I used to run a walking group, and who got "custody" of staying in the group when couples split up was a perennial problem.

If it's going to cause stress and not make you happy, why bother? You seem to have other things going on, you can arrange indepensent walks with members you're close to if you choose - people will understand why you don't want to return to the group.

There's nothing to stop you rejoining in a year ot two if you feel less raw about the split - and you want to.

1300cakes · 02/01/2022 06:08

I think you've done the right thing. It's not worth the stress.

I've been in a similar situation and at first it was a little depressing thinking about the nice people I'd left. However I kept in touch with a few friends and the group as it was naturally changed over time. Others left as they moved, lost interest, changed jobs, got new hobbies and started families. This is just what happens.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 02/01/2022 08:14

@Teatimes2 No, no contact from him re the club.

I've thought long and hard about it for a few months and just don't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did. I don't want to engage with him at all - how he broke up with me is another story - but I've worked hard to build myself back up again and I don't want to be just 'friends' with him and engage in chit chat. It just made me angry for a while about how he'd resumed walking with them more or less immediately, but as a pp mentioned it's onwards and upwards now.

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RantyAunty · 02/01/2022 15:14

I think the thing that would upset me is depriving myself of something I enjoyed for years, while he just swans back in without a single care.

Since it's been a few months, can you seek out some new male hiking friends to come along with you to the group, and see how you feel about it?

Original poster

LoveHiking · 02/01/2022 17:19

@RantyAunty

"I think the thing that would upset me is depriving myself of something I enjoyed for years, while he just swans back in without a single care."

This is what has been upsetting me and what I've been thinking long and hard about, but the way I'm feeling now I'd be more upset to see him/ hear anything about him. Basically, it ended after all these years over the phone with him saying he'd never loved me, so it's been hard. I know with time I may change my mind. I'm thinking at least it's a hobby I can do on my own anyway.

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FanGirlX · 02/01/2022 18:24

@LoveHiking

I'm lucky in that there are numerous Ramblers and Meetup hiking groups near me. Have you looked at both? It would be a shame to give up group hiking completely because of him. Apart from one Ramblers group, all the Ramblers and Meetup hiking groups I've joined have been very friendly.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2022 18:30

It’s not a once only decision. You can change your mind and go back in the future if you want. At the moment you’re happy and fulfilled with other activities and you’re not stressing yourself out worrying about bumping into him. I think it sounds like the right decision.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 02/01/2022 20:36

@Honeyroar

"It’s not a once only decision. You can change your mind and go back in the future if you want. "

Yes, that's what I'm thinking, but for now I think it's best for me to stay away.

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TheNoodlesIncident · 03/01/2022 12:24

Does it feel like he's "won custody" of the hiking club? I think I would feel that way. Obviously there are plenty alternatives open to you, and you seem sensible and realistic so will find other groups to suit you. Getting out and seeing new faces, meeting new people (who don't know your frankly unpleasant ex) will be good for you. Your hobbies are all great activities which are good exercise and balm to the soul, I think you are doing the right thing.

In time your ex might move on from the original hiking group leaving it viable to you again, but I imagine even if that happens, you'll be settled and happy with another hiking group/alternative hobbies and not feel the need to move back for any reason.

You sound nice, and your ex sounds a right prick, so it seems to me you're the winner anyway.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 03/01/2022 15:01

@TheNoodlesIncident

"Does it feel like he's "won custody" of the hiking club? I think I would feel that way. "

Yes, that's exactly how it feels. After all, we both joined the club about 11 years ago and knew each other as friends first, so it's been a huge part of my life. However, I don't feel like returning just to prove a point - i.e. it's my club too! Even though I know it is. All these replies have helped to reinforce my belief that not returning is what's going to make me happiest, it's just taking a bit of time to get my head around the fact that I won't be going any more.

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VaulterTech · 03/01/2022 15:11

I also think you’re doing the right thing, though it’s sad to deprive yourself!

Perhaps if you’re on Facebook etc, you could share when you are planning on doing a certain route and then see if anyone wanted to join you? I know I’d be gutted if a friend left my club in such circumstance and id still want to share the hobby with them if possible.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 04/01/2022 09:23

@VaulterTech
"I know I’d be gutted if a friend left my club in such circumstance and id still want to share the hobby with them if possible."

A couple of club members have reached out to me, but I understand that people don't want to get involved and that's fine.

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Gonnagetgoing · 05/01/2022 16:38

Hi OP - I think you posted on another thread about you being in a running club which your ex seemed to have forced you out of.

If it's you then just return. Bite the bullet, stick with one person and ignore the ex. If he tries to be civil then fine be civil but certainly don't let him bully you out of attending.

Original poster

LoveHiking · 19/03/2022 08:55

Hi all. I'd just like a little bit of further advice. I made a decision to leave the club, and although it wasn't an easy decision, I feel it's for the best, that I needed a clean break and it's helping me to move on. I haven't joined another club yet but have been getting out myself and exploring new areas. Recently, I bumped into a couple of people from the old club, who said they totally understood why I didn't want to return, but they have a small breakaway group who meet for walks occasionally and if I was interested they'd add me to the WhatsApp group. On the spot I said okay, but now I'm wondering if this is a good idea as I'm not getting a clean break from associations with him and the club and do I really want to do this as I was getting on okay and am I taking a step backwards. My ex would be friendly with them, but he's not in this group. I'd appreciate any advice.

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CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 19/03/2022 09:00

If they were people you liked and got on with is try it. If it makes you feel worse then you can always leave. One thing I would do though is refuse to discuss your ex with them, and if they try just shut out down

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2022 09:04

Agree with PP. If you liked them, join them.

You don't need to analyse this strategically. It doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to be the only group you join.

MaChienEstUnDick · 19/03/2022 09:07

Treat it very casually - if you like the people, like their proposed route, like the timing and feel like it on the day, then join them. On your first walk, be super-breezy and say 'right, before we start one rule - we don't talk about Bruno' (insert name of your own ex here or it will be weird).

After a couple of hikes you'll know if the chemistry is right for you, just as it would be in any new group. But give it a go.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 09:08

To me, it sounds ideal. They are people you know and get on with (if you don’t, don’t bother!), and it is a separate breakaway group.

How far are you taking the clean break? Not shopping in the same supermarket you used to? Getting rid of clothes you wore when you were with him?

But if you feel uncomfortable with these people, don’t do it.

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2022 09:30

@MaChienEstUnDick

After a couple of hikes you'll know if the chemistry is right for you, just as it would be in any new group. But give it a go.

Agree treat it casually. I disagree that you can set rules about what people talk about. Of course you don't have to join in. (And hopefully any mention will be brief and involve something unpleasant happening to him like "did you hear a massive seagull shit on Bruno?!")

Politics4me · 19/03/2022 09:34

@LoveHiking it seems to me that you have made a good decision for vey good reasons.
He is plodding along doing what he has been doing for years.

You are moving on, relax and enjoy these fresh experiences. Great

Original poster

LoveHiking · 19/03/2022 10:21

I get on okay with them. They're more acquaintances than friends, but good of them to ask me, I suppose, and I might just dip in and out occasionally.

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