AIBU to just stop replying

[icelolly12]

I have a friend who I have known over a decade. We used to be very close and lived in the same city, now we have both moved about an hours drive away, but have kept in touch, met up for coffee, lunch, had trips away over the last five years.

She's always been a terrible communicator, which I've never held against her but I'm starting to find her extremely irritating. For the past year or so her texts have consisted of ... "hi icelolly how are things with you" type message .... I'll reply with an update and ask one or two questions in return.... radio silence. I will see my message has been read, that she's online. Nothing.

A few weeks later, she'll message again (totally ignoring my questions and prev messages) with another breezy "hi how are you, what have you been upto?" Again I will reply usually the same day as to me it feels rude to ignore a question. I will yet again ask a question, nothing too intrusive. Yet again she won't reply to me. I don't want to seem like I'm harrassing by asking further questions or sending more messages so again the exchange is abandoned until she decides when to pick it up again. This has repeated itself about ten times now.

It just feels pointless as there's no actual conversation and it's starting to feel like it's always me sharing and her just asking questions but not telling me anything about her life. However it is very difficult for me to just ignore a question and she always ends her message with a question.

Is it time to just abandon this so called friendship as I'm really not getting anything out of it but we do have good memories.

No it would be perfectly understandable to let this friendship drop. Or you could just reply “I told you how I was last time, but you didn’t reply!”

YANBU, she is just keeping you hooked like a fish, ready to reel in should she ever need a favour. Or else she’s checking you haven’t change your phone number.

And I speak as someone who hates texting/whatsapp and take days to respond. But when I do respond, I take an interest in everything that person is up to.

That threw me a bit as I’m icelolly too!
I think she may send a message to feel she’s keeping in touch but is busy. Next time say something like yes, we are all still fine, are you ok as you don’t often reply.

I’ve got a friend like this. We live around 5 hours away from each other driving. I haven’t seen her for many many years. We sometimes chat on the phone and basically her life is busy because she has two kids. I don’t have any kids but I work full time. She does message me but then when I respond I get nothing back. I then get another message a couple of months later and the cycle repeats. It’s a difficult one I don’t know what to think really xx

Yes I think you're right, I need to address it, and be prepared to let the friendship drop. Not that it is much of a friendship these days! Hmm, I really don't think she's that busy that she can't reply to a text like I say she'll be online but just ignore me! Great name icelollycraving

like a pp said I’d respond by saying she never responded to previous message. It’d annoy me to be the one making the effort all the time.

I think it's fair enough to end the friendship if you're not getting any enjoyment out of it anymore.

However, I always think it's a bit rubbish to just cut someone off by never talking to them again.
Send her a message explaining basically what you've said here, that you feel it's all very one sided and you're tired of the constant no replies

I'd address it too. Say I'm OK how are you? You never answer me when I ask so I'm worried.

Or say it's ok you don't have to keep checking on me it's all a bit one sided as you never respond so don't feel obliged to check on me

I have a friend that does this now. We’re not as close as we used to be and our friendship has drifted. She always puts “long time no see” in her messages but when I reply and say yes it’s been a while let me know if you’re free for a catch up she never replies.

Just call her out in it. Say I'm fine thanks. You never say how you are or what you are up though? It feels a bit one way if it's only me saying what's going on in my life

Phone her.

Why dont you text her to ask if she wants a video call on a friday night with a few drinks or something? Then have a proper catch up. If she doesnt want to do this either then drop it

Interesting some others have similar 'friends', it's like she doesn't really care about me, but for some reason, maybe a sense of obligation not to let the friendship die out, wants to keep an element of contact. Or perhaps it's when she's bored as she knows I will reply, or thinks oops haven't checked in with icelolly I'd better say hi, but isn't invested enough to have anything resembling a conversation. Very annoying!

We've never been ones for phoning or video calling each other. It's always been text/whatsapp or meeting in person.

Text her first with some questions

I’d reply with ‘same as last time you asked’

I'm on the other end of this with a lovely girl I used to be friends with years ago, used to meet up etc. Fast forward 20+ years, I work full time and have a house full of children, she works full time but other than that has no commitments. She never seemed to get that I can't just at the drop of a hat go and meet her 3 hours away and stay out for the night and tbh it got irritating. Especially when our lives are so different now we literally have nothing to talk about. She's still lovely but I could walk around in silence with my other friends.

I've been letting this friendship fizzle out over the last few years but still get messages from her that kind of expect a reply, it'd be rude to ignore! I always reply with a message that doesn't demand a thread- but it still carries on.

Sorry didnt mean to hijack! But no response IS a response- maybe she's thought of letting this friendship go before you did?

@De88 your situation is not the ‘other end’ of OP’s.

It’s this ‘friend’ that keeps messaging OP! If she wants to let friendship go she should stop wasting OP’s time and stop messaging her.

"maybe she's thought of letting this friendship go before you did?"

I agree that she clearly does not care about me as a friend and therefore I wish she'd just stop messaging and stop asking questions rather than carrying on this pointless cycle.

What happens when you text her first? Does she reply? Do you ever text her first? If not, could she be wondering why you don't?

I made all the contact with my friends for years, if for some reason I didn't they wouldn't contact me they would presume I was busy and didn't and never actually checked. I decided to wait and see how long it took for one of them to contact me first for a change. Guess what? I never heard from them at all. I did hear on the grapevine that they complained I never rang them, but it never occurred to them they could ring me. Even when I sent word back that this was the reason why I stopped, just turned out they weren't that bothered really.
Could she be feeling the same way? It really wasn't a nice feeling to be always making contact first and if you didn't they wouldn't bother, especially after years of me making the effort.

If my questions go unanswered and the bits I have discussed with her e.g. about family illness or job etc ignored, I don't start a new conversation as I have no inclination to.

If I send something unrelated to the conversation, e.g. a photo or a random memory, she'll maybe reply a day later with a thumbs up or a haha something like that

It doesn’t have to be as final as ‘Do I ever contact her again?’ Maybe ignore the next message and see if it prompts her to try again. If she gets shirty that you didn’t reply (which people who don’t make the effort themselves often seem to do), remind her that she hasn’t been replying to you either.

She also missed my birthday, and I sent her happy christmas and happy new year messages first.