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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DH has put a damper on christmas before it's even begun?

40 replies

allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 20:51

Got up this morning and DH had left a note saying have left the car at home and got the bus as going for a drink after work with a friend.
Also would I ring the council tax offices and tell them we can pay the bill on 3rd January.
No mention of this last night.

Fair enough I thought.

Emailed him at work no reply so rang him at 5.30 as had not heard from him and just wondered when he would be home.
No answer.

Rang again at 7.30,it rang and then he turned his phone off.

7.50 a tap on the door it is DH staggering in holding on to the walls ,he had walked home,god knows how!!!

He fell onto the sofa and the childen were still up and he said "daddy is tired"

To which DS who is 7 said "we know,you were holding onto the walls"

Just suggested he go up to bed and he started to tell me to F**k off so told him the children are here and tried to get him up off the sofa to go to bed.
He then started to call me a bitch out of nowhere.

Got him up and led him to the stairs and told him to go up to bed,which he did shouting bitch down the stairs at me and slamming the doors.
Whilst he was walking up the stairs I thought to myself hope you fall down them.
I know ,what an awful thing to think but it just popped into my head.

My DD who is 5 just came over to me and kissed me.

Now I am left feeling empty and sad for my children as they were so keen to tell him that santa had been around this evening ,a round table collection and DS had a card for him he had made and just said
"will give this to daddy tomorrow as he is all grumpy now"

No doubt he will have a bad hangover tomorrow and grumpy all day as well.

Why does he do this?
Drink so much until he can hardly standand hurl abuse at me when I have done nothing wrong.

Have been ill the last week as well and feeling like crap already so notbeen coping with the children and have had to get on with it.

Starting of our christmas holidays like this is so selfish of him and aibu to hate him for it?

OP posts:
Alambil · 21/12/2007 20:55

YANBU.

Is the name calling a regular thing? for you and the kids

TheQueenSPeach · 21/12/2007 20:57

Not unreasonable. Does he do it often?

littleducks · 21/12/2007 20:57

oh dear, that doesnt sound good
is it just the drink, can he just not handle it or is always thies, well, nasty?

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 21/12/2007 20:59

No you are not being unreasonable. Why on earth do you put up with being called names?

amytheearwaxbanisher · 21/12/2007 21:02

for your kids you really should let him have it for teating you so badly especially in front of the lo`s

BotoxBabs · 21/12/2007 21:06

My DH is like this sometimes . It's not acceptable is it?

DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:09

Thanks everyone for your replies.

The name calling is always afer he has had a lot to drink and I don't know why he feels the need to do this unless that's what he really thinks of me but can't say it when he is sober.
Getting drunk to this degree is probably a once every 3 months thing or when he is feeling paticularly stressed.

He does drink a fair bit but is usually a noisy,fun type of drunk which is just so annoying.

It's like living with 2 different pepole and you never know which one will come home.

I always said that when the children started to notice and it affected them,as before they have been in bed and I have protected them from it,that I was not prepared for them to see this and be affected and he would have to stop drinking.

OP posts:
DontCallMeHun · 21/12/2007 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:12

Why do I put up with it?

Have done for 15 years and has become a way of life but not a way of life I am prepared my children to have.

Hard to explain but when he is not drinking is a great father and husband and he things that makes up for it but of course it does'nt in the long run.

OP posts:
BotoxBabs · 21/12/2007 21:15

So is it ok for him to drink 1 or 2 beers in front of the kids? Or are you just annoyed that he gets so drunk? I mean would you prefer him not to drink at all?

madamez · 21/12/2007 21:18

Hate to say it, but both of you need help, and you most of all. He is a problem drinker, if not an alcoholic - but that's his problem. You need help on a practical level and advice about how to make sure that he either gets help for his alcohol problem or leaves home. Because this is going to get worse, not better. THough I am not a great fan of the 12-step movement, there is an organisation associated with Alcholoics Anonymous which offers help for families of problem drinkers (hopefully someone will be able to provide you with a link).
Sympathies your way, anyway.

yuckihatecheesestrings · 21/12/2007 21:22

YANBU! Why? Why? Why do they do it?

I have had similar probs with my DP. He doesn't do it v often at all but when he does it's BAD . He just doesn't know when to stop.

I know you must be feeling awful right now, esp as it's just before Christmas. The verbal aggression is not him talking, it's the drink talking.

Is he stressed at work or about something else? Also, I think peer pressure has alot to do with it, esp at this time of year.

Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:28

I don't mind that he has the odd drink at home or a glass of wine but it does'nt stop there.
He does'nt know when enough is enough.

So yes , him not drinking at all would be ideal but can't see that happening.

The house we live in was bought for us by my FIL and is in trust for our DS when he reaches a certain age so asking him to leave is not really an option.

I know I need help and am increasingly going downhill fast up to the point where I have been wondering whether to ask for help somewhee as I can't seem to cope with the children and have no family support so count down the minutes till DH is home to take the pressure of me.
AS it is when he has had a drink it's like having 3 children to look after so no help at all.

My DS has SN as well and am having trouble coming to terms with this and find it difficult to deal with,it is non stop stress and worry.

Just feel worn out and can't see a way out.

OP posts:
BotoxBabs · 21/12/2007 21:30

When a person that drinks so much alcohol doesnt know when to stop drinking, they must have some kind of psychological issues going on? Why would they drink so much otherwise? Most people enjoy an alcoholic drink especially over Christmas, but when someone drinks and doesnt know when to stop I think they need help.

KITTYmaspudding · 21/12/2007 21:32

allsnowedout, is it possible that he has issues with you and your relationship that he bottles up when he is sober?
Ii say this because my dopused to be like this. He would get very aggressive towards me when drunk. Since we talk more openly about his feelings and problems this does not happen as he has nothing bottled up iyswim?
Your dh does sound like he has anger and resentment inside ghim. Calling you a "bitch' in this situation implies to me that you are spoiling his fun, in his eyes.
He wants to come home plastered like a silly teenager and doesn't want anyone telling him what to do.
You both need to sit down and talk this through as calmly as possible.

It is not ok of course as you have said at all that the children have had to A) witness him drunk and B) witness him being abusive to you.

Good luck

madamez · 21/12/2007 21:35

ASN none of this is your fault. This situation needs to be stopped. Can you talk to your DH when he is sober (but not hungover) and will he listen? Or will he just say he's sorry and then go and do it again? If you have talked to him before about his drinking and nothing has changed then you will need to ask for help outside your family. This is going to be very hard and nasty but I think you should maybe consdier calling Women's Aid for advice (some other helpful MNer will undoubtedly post the number) - your DH is coming home drunk frequently and abusing you. I appreciate that it may be down to his being stressed out over your family situation but that doesn't excuse his mistreatment of you.

Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:37

He has got some issues with his family,moreover his father but he won't deal with it.
His parents live away and sees them maybe twice a year .
His mother came over a couple of weeks back and despite DH asking his father over as well to see the grand children he declined to come.
But DH knows he has been to visit his brothers and sisters and there children.
I suspect that is a lot to do with it.

Especially this time of year when it's all about families but he has a family now and needs to think of us.

My parents died over 10 years ago and I have that to deal with at this time and feel he should be able to do the same.
Iknow everyone is different and I thought I have been doing well but can feek I am at breaking point myself.

OP posts:
yuckihatecheesestrings · 21/12/2007 21:38

Yes I agree, he needs help. There's a MN thread for partners of addicts.

here

It sounds like you have had enough, it may be you leaving him that makes him see sense.

Are you a SAHM?

BotoxBabs · 21/12/2007 21:41

Op - I don't think you need to leave him at all. I think you need to have a really good chat with him- maybe he is feeling it too - I think he maybe from what you said. I feel for both of you.

callmeoverchristmas · 21/12/2007 21:43

OK Stop and think clearly (maybe tomorrow) was it really a one off (or 2/3 times a year) or is he out with his mates weekly? Is it that he came home early and the DC saw him? or is he always as bed and that has just made you realise.

Some of our worst rows have been whilst drunk. DP and I both like a drink every now and then but occasionally it has got a bit loud! We have discussed it and it seems to be the little things that cause the rows and agression, fueled by drink they take over iyswim.

So this may not really be a big sign that the end is in sight for you - rather that you need to talk some issues over, including the being drunk in front of your DCs. Don't do it now. Have a bit of a chat tomorrow or Sunday and see how receptive he is to "further talks" once Christmas for the DC is out of the way and you can have a bit of "you" time.

yuckihatecheesestrings · 21/12/2007 21:44

I think that that's why they do it, because they have some underlying issue that they've not dealt with. Men esp tend to burry things, they ignore them and think they'll go away, but they don't...

KITTYmaspudding · 21/12/2007 21:45

The most important thing is that he talks about what is making him drink so much and is making him so angry.

Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:47

He probably does have issues with our relationship and wondered if he is a tad jealous since our children were born.

We have not been out together on our own for 7 years and as we have no family nearby and with my sons SN it is difficult.

Even when we go to his parents house to stay they never offer to give us a break away for awhile and don't really interact with the children on their own much at all.

I also think his father has issues with my sons SN and they are in denial.

His parents are snobs at heart and hate to say it but it's almost as if they are ashamed of it .

As MIl always says "well there's nothing mentally wrong with DS is there?"
"He comes from 2 intelligent parents"

So hence no real support from that quarter.

I am scared to ask for help in case they see I ma not coping and as usual in these case it will be the mother under scrunity.

Have had bad PND and anxiety issues in the past and blame myself for DS's condition which I know deep down is not my fault but all this will not help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
allsnowedout · 21/12/2007 21:48

Have just heard a thud upstairs so will sigh off and be back on later.

OP posts: