That DH has put a damper on christmas before it's even begun?

[allsnowedout]

Got up this morning and DH had left a note saying have left the car at home and got the bus as going for a drink after work with a friend.
Also would I ring the council tax offices and tell them we can pay the bill on 3rd January.
No mention of this last night.

Fair enough I thought.

Emailed him at work no reply so rang him at 5.30 as had not heard from him and just wondered when he would be home.
No answer.

Rang again at 7.30,it rang and then he turned his phone off.

7.50 a tap on the door it is DH staggering in holding on to the walls ,he had walked home,god knows how!!!

He fell onto the sofa and the childen were still up and he said "daddy is tired"

To which DS who is 7 said "we know,you were holding onto the walls"

Just suggested he go up to bed and he started to tell me to F**k off so told him the children are here and tried to get him up off the sofa to go to bed.
He then started to call me a bitch out of nowhere.

Got him up and led him to the stairs and told him to go up to bed,which he did shouting bitch down the stairs at me and slamming the doors.
Whilst he was walking up the stairs I thought to myself hope you fall down them.
I know ,what an awful thing to think but it just popped into my head.

My DD who is 5 just came over to me and kissed me.

Now I am left feeling empty and sad for my children as they were so keen to tell him that santa had been around this evening ,a round table collection and DS had a card for him he had made and just said
"will give this to daddy tomorrow as he is all grumpy now"

No doubt he will have a bad hangover tomorrow and grumpy all day as well.

Why does he do this?
Drink so much until he can hardly standand hurl abuse at me when I have done nothing wrong.

Have been ill the last week as well and feeling like crap already so notbeen coping with the children and have had to get on with it.

Starting of our christmas holidays like this is so selfish of him and aibu to hate him for it?

It does annoy me when people are quick to say "leave him" because he was pissed and said "bitch" ok, I know this is not acceptable but her guy has issues obviously.

I think we need to look at why people get so drunk & don't know when to stop drinking. There must be deep issues involved.

OP - I feel for you and you DH. It must be hard without support.

He deserves to get drunk now and again but obviously not abuse. Hope you can work it out .

Yes sorry, leaving him is def not the ideal solution. It depends how pig headed he is. My DP didn't actually admit there was a prob untill I'd more or less given up on him. You do need to make it crystal clear to him that it's unacceptable behaviour though, esp the verbal abuse. It also sounds like you need more support from him, esp with DS, does he help you out when he can.

It sounds like you do need a break. It must be v hard for you with proper no family support. What's your DS's SN?

I was thinking about this. You know what I think you should do?

Record him.

next time he goes out drinking, set up a dictaphone/tape recorder/whatever, and set it going (without him knowing) as he comes in. Hopefully it will catch him.

Play it back to him the next day and ask him how he thinks it sounds.

Allsnowedout, I can fully sympathise with you on this. My Dh was exactly the same as yours.

I used to take it to heart, thinking that maybe it was his way of saying he didnt love me etc but the next day he was always so full of remorse. I have kicked him out before because I have had enough but I took him back because when he is not drinking he is just like the man i married. It still happens on the odd occassion but not as often. He knows he has a problem and he also knows he is close to losing us all if it continues. It took us a while but things are getting better. Yes he does still go out drinking and on the odd occassion the insults start but now i just leave him to it, I know he will pass out shortly and then I deal with it in the morning when he is sober.

My advice to you would be to try to tell him what he has been like, explain that your children heard it and got very upset. Let him know you do not need to put up with it. It took me and my dh a while to sort things out, it still isnt perfect but its a start. I love my dh and i know he loves me and the last thing he wants to do is lose us. I am sure your dh feels the same but he needs to understand what is going on and how upset it makes you.

I really hope you can sort things out. It will take time but the key is to talk. It took my dh a while for it to sink in, he was in denial at first (when sober he was so loving that he couldnt believe he could be so horrible to me when drunk) but we got there in the end. I would never stop him going out drinking but now he is more watchful of how much he drinks and also what he is drinking (some drinks seem to make him more moody than others)

Good luck

allsnowedout, i recognise you from previous threads, different name, but sweetheart, this man is never going to stop abusing you. You NEED to leave him for your childrens sake. I hope he is thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour, how DARE he behave like that in front of his children.

As other posters have said, the man needs help, but i think he is rapidly burning his bridges with you. Please dont let him drag you AND YOUR CHILDREN down with him.

SIt things out after christmas, it might be that he has got his boozing session over and done with and may well make amends over the next few days. IF he doesnt, then your children deserve better!!!

Sorry to be blunt, but i have read your previous posts too and they are worryingly repetitive, he is clearly making no effort. Im sorry about your son, i understand how he feels but he needs to deal with it, youve had to, tell him to grow the hell up and face his responsibilities, how old is he 12???

allsnowedout, how did it go day? Please let us know.

Hi everyone thanks for all your replies and sorry have'nt been back on until now.

Felt worn out last night and went up to bed.

Well today have just had a lazy day with the children watching christmas films and playing games.

DH slept in this morning and has been fairly quiet all day.
Have'nt had a chance to have a proper talk but did have a few minutes in the kitchen away from the children.

Told him how hurt I was about last night and reminded him of his behaviour.
Also said I had always said as soon as I saw it was impacting on the children that it had to stop and would not put up with that in front of the children .
Neither would I put up with it anymore whether the children witnessed it or not.

He said he felt awful about it especially as the children had witnessed it and he would'nt be doing it again.
He was quite down on himself and quite teary.

Do I believe him?

Well we have been here before.
Would like to think he means it this time and will make an effort over christmas.

He has to,as living day to day with this and not trusting him to got to the shops on his own in case he stops off on the way home at the pub is hardly a healthy relationship for anyone.

at least he recognises his behaviour is wrong and hurting you, he clearly isnt proud of himself. I think you should put it behind you for christmas but maybe suggest some counselling in the new year. He needs to see a doctor. There is no shame in it, i am on ADs because i suffer with depression, i dont hide that fact from anyone.

I wish you all a lovely christmas, dont mention it again unless he does, and just say, lets leave it there and enjoy christmas.

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OP - As I mentioned last night, it is obvious that when a person drinks alcohol & doesnt know when to stop they must have underlying issues about something & need to talk about it with someone. If he feels he cannot talk to you then can you suggest he talks to someone else? A friend, Colleague, family member?

Hope you sort it out. And fwiw I don't think getting drunk 3 times in 3 months (was it?) means he is an alcoholic like another poster suggested, nor do I think you should leave him for this reason & for calling you names in front of DC's. Granted, its not at all acceptable calling you names in front of DC's & make it clear you will under no circumstances put up with it again.

I am thinking of putting this to one side until after christmas and not let it hang over us for the sake of the children.

I have often worried about him getting into the police system as seweing him last night do not know how he mangered to walk him .
It's only 10 mins but across a busy road.

It scares me to think of what coud happen to him and others.

I know he needs help but not sure what sort of help I need.

I can't see him confiding in anyone especially not a family member.
He tends to keep it all in .

allsnowedout, start with your doctor or HV. Personally i would talk to the doctor. Is he a religious man? might he listen to your parish preist? look up the number of Alcoholic anonymous - all of those will point you in the right direction. FWIW a close friend of mine had a drink problem, he has kicked it, he doesnt have to be totally on the wagon, but he doesnt drink to excess anymore.

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My XP was exactly like this. He didn't think he had an alcohol problem because he didn't drink everyday. His problem (and believe me, it was a HUGE problem) was that he could never stop at one or two drinks. Once he started, he would keep on drinking until he was comatose. He would become incredibly verbally abusive. Saying really vile, hurtful things and calling me awful names.
It just chipped away at all the love and respect I once had for him until there was nothing left. Thank God we didn't have children. The thought of them hearing any of that and getting the idea that it was normal behaviour sends chills down my spine.
ASO, this cannot go on. It's not fair to you or to your children. If you don't want to make it stop by ending the relationship (which to be honest is the only thing that you can actually do about it given that this is entirely your dh's problem), your dh must take responsibility for his behaviour and take steps to change it. It is NOT normal. Perhaps a visit to his GP or a call to AlAnon or AA?
I worked up the courage to leave my XP. The relief was overwhelming. I hadn't realised until then just how on edge I was every time he went out for "a drink" . I appreciate that your circumstances are different and that you may want to give your dh a chance to sort himself out before you take drastic action.