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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5 year old scared to be alone in a room

34 replies

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 06:38

Posting here for traffic.

DD has recently she has stopped being able to be in a room on her own for even a short length of time, eg she wants someone to accompany her to the toilet or when she goes to another room to get something. In the night every time she wakes us she calls one of us and we need to stay in her room till she falls asleep again (sometimes she is awake for hours but that's maybe another thread...). She's also never been able to fall asleep on her own. One of us needs to stay with her till she falls asleep.

When we ask her she just says she is scared. Sometimes she tells us what she is scared of (usually a kid's TV show or book character) and sometimes she isn't sure. I wouldn't say that she watches anything age inappropriate. Even shows like paw patrol usually have something to scare her. The villain in the play her school took her class to really freaked her out for a month or so.

We have recently had a baby and she has changed school this year but I'm not sure if this fear of being alone doesn't pre date these events. She has always been a bit on the timid side in everything.

We try not to make a big deal of it and usually just accompany her (or sometimes when I'm feeding the baby in one room I keep calling out to her if she quickly wants to get something from another room, which she finds reassuring). We have told her that it's ok to be scared and try to explain to her that her fear is unfounded but it doesn't really make s difference.

Is this normal at this age? She is fine in every other way and is a happy cheerful little girl. Maybe white sensitive and s bit intense. Is this just a phase that she will grow out of or is there anything we can do to help her?

OP posts:

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 31/12/2021 06:46

A baby and a new school are both big scary things. Have you talked much to her about how she feels about those? Even as 5, children can need help naming their feelings and certainly understanding that jealousy over a sibling is normal, making close friendships takes time etc. There are some nice books about understanding feelings that might be useful to go through with her.

CrumpledCrumpet · 31/12/2021 06:51

No advice but my nearly-5yo is exactly the same, and there’s no additional factors at play like changing schools. In other respects he’s quite confident and bold. I figure it’s just a phase.

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 06:53

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

Yes, I would say we talk quite a lot about it. Her school, how things have changed with the baby, how she feels. We try to name feelings. She seems to like her new school and especially recently seems to be really excited about having a little brother and is very affectionate with him. Both of these are huge changes but her being so scared all the time a kind of started before the baby was born and before she changed school, I think though it might be worse now.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 07:05

@CrumpledCrumpet

No advice but my nearly-5yo is exactly the same, and there’s no additional factors at play like changing schools. In other respects he’s quite confident and bold. I figure it’s just a phase.

How do you deal with it? I mean if it's normal for her age maybe there's nothing we need to do really but we worry because it seems to be getting worse.

What we do:

Talk about her fears and how it's ok and normal to be scared
Try to explain why a particular fear isn't based on reality
Try to tell her things she can do to cope herself (eg replace scary thoughts with happy cheerful thoughts, distracting herself)
Tell her she can do things even when she's afraid (and she's getting really better at this when it comes to taking physical risks like jumping off stuff etc)
Try to encourage her to be as independent as possible and to do things on her own though if she absolutely doesn't want to I don't push it.
Praise her when she does something she was scared of.

Is there anything else we can trY? Anything you have tried that really helped?

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 07:09

She has also started getting a lot of nightmares. We talk about those as well. She's been having them for a couple of years but now it's much worse. She's got a night light (though she asks us to switch it off as she says she can't sleep if it's too bright). She's also always been very scared of loud noises and big moving things (like construction vehicles though she also finds them fascinating.)

OP posts:

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 31/12/2021 07:22

Her being scared is getting her a lot of attention from you, maybe it's more about that than anything else?

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 07:57

@ChrimboGateauxCatto

Her being scared is getting her a lot of attention from you, maybe it's more about that than anything else?

Hm maybe. I think she gets a lot of attention from us anyway so I don't think she has to make up stuff to get more bit who knows? She seems genuinely scared.

OP posts:

Gumboots29 · 31/12/2021 08:02

My nearly 5 year old has been the similar since he started school (younger sibling arrived the year before but that’s caused a different set of emotions!). He’s happy at school but is clingy and waking a lot on the night saying he’s scared.

We got a nightlight which helped a bit. But otherwise we’re just talking about feelings and hoping it will pass! I mentioned it to his teacher and she said a lot of kids find starting school a massive upheaval and it comes out in all sorts of ways.

Not much help I’m sorry and I can imagine with a new baby you want to try to resolve it! But I get the impression it’s one of those things that has to pass in it’s own time.

Gumboots29 · 31/12/2021 08:05

Ps mine is also sensitive to TV. Can find bits of octonauts, paw patrol and other pre-school shows a bit scary!

RememberThePenguins · 31/12/2021 08:09

Both of mine went through this phase around the same age, even the toilet thing. I think imaginations start to really develop at this age.

Fallible · 31/12/2021 08:12

No advice but mine is almost 5 and is exactly the same. I'm really really hoping it's a phase.

BordelDeMerde · 31/12/2021 08:13

Mine was the same for a while, OP. Terrified of everything, couldn't be by herself. We had to ban PJ Masks for a while as it gave DD nightmares.
She's got much better now that she's nearly six. Still has a nightlight, but is much less scared in general. I think it's just a phase, tbh.

rrhuth · 31/12/2021 08:17

2. Try to explain why a particular fear isn't based on reality
3. Try to tell her things she can do to cope herself (eg replace scary thoughts with happy cheerful thoughts, distracting herself)

These two things are unhelpful psychologically and do more harm than good.

If a child is scared of a monster, you do not tell them it is not real - they believe it and you are just stressing them out by denying it. You also put yourself in opposition to your child, rather than being someone who is helping them.

If I was scared of something and you told me to 'think happy thoughts', I would stop speaking to you.

Read up on how to help children with fears. Not how to stop children having fears. Fear is a normal part of human life and suppression doesn't work.

Your child has had a lot of change and you need to find a way to calm everything down for her - if Paw Patrol is scary for her, stop watching Paw Patrol.

musicalfrog · 31/12/2021 08:20

A worry monster might work bless her. She can draw her fears or worries (or get you to write them) on a piece of paper then the worry monster eats it overnight.

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 08:24

@rrhuth

2. Try to explain why a particular fear isn't based on reality 3. Try to tell her things she can do to cope herself (eg replace scary thoughts with happy cheerful thoughts, distracting herself)

These two things are unhelpful psychologically and do more harm than good.

If I was scared of something and you told me to 'think happy thoughts', I would stop speaking to you.

Read up on how to help children with fears. Not how to stop children having fears. Fear is a normal part of human life and suppression doesn't work.

Your child has had a lot of change and you need to find a way to calm everything down for her - if Paw Patrol is scary for her, stop watching Paw Patrol.

I do tell her it's ok and normal to be scared and that she can try to do things even when she's scared though I don't insist.

Anyway, my question is really what are the things you are meant to do when dealing with a child's fear?

(Paw patrol was just an example. It's not always easy to predict what will scare her so it's difficult to avoid. For a while she was really scared because of a ship she'd seen in a book).

OP posts:

Original poster

AliveAndSleeping · 31/12/2021 08:26

@musicalfrog

A worry monster might work bless her. She can draw her fears or worries (or get you to write them) on a piece of paper then the worry monster eats it overnight.

I have had worry dolls who get rid of your negative thoughts or something like that but I really like the idea if her drawing or writing herself. Thanks

OP posts:

Srettel · 31/12/2021 08:28

No advice, but sympathy. We had something similar - DC would be scared of something, we'd work at it, then they'd be scared of something else.

E.g. They were afraid that the "Bad Man" dressed in black would come through the window. It turned out a friend had a Batman toy, but DC misheard as "Bad Man" - it look a while to realise the "Bad Man dressed in black" was Batman. We had been worrying DC had seen something inappropriate.

We had no sooner got to the bottom of one fear than another would come along.

Mumdiva99 · 31/12/2021 08:29

My daughter is now 12 and was very similar. Still is much more timid than big brother and little brother but will now go upstairs alone and sleep in her room alone - with all her soft toys that seem to calm her. She slept with her brother for many years sharing a room. That helped. I try not to make a big deal out of it and recognise when some progress has been made. (She was the child that hated new situations too and would sit on my lap for the entirety of a kids party at 5 unless I was right with her holding her hand. But give her a situation she knows and she enjoys it.....so I hated going on holiday to the same place but we have been 4 times to the same chalet type in the same holiday park and she loves that....knowing what she is going to, knowing what the pool is like and where the beach is. It make her happy. (We haven't just gone for her....but because we all love that part of the country and still have more to do there).
She likes to go for a meal in the same restaurant or have a take away from a known place. She will try new things and new foods etc .....is just happier with familiarity and routine.

She moved schools in y5 and I was really worried how she would cope but she was amazing. She has also gone to secondary school really well......so if we need to keep some routine at home - so be it.

(I still have to pick her up from school if she has a club which I find a little frustrating as big brother has always just come alone.....but I'm sure it won't be forever).

UmYahya · 31/12/2021 08:30

My son who was almost 6yrs did the same when we had a new baby!!! He wanted a company to enter the toilet! Doesn't want to go upstairs alone! But this disappeared in one month because we didn't let it go forever, we kept encouraging him to go by himself and helped him to overcome his fears. I hope your daughter is gonna outgrow it soon, but don't worry it's not a big deal!

GrannyBattleaxe · 31/12/2021 08:44

Sometimes doing a lot of talking at that age actually has a detrimental effect - almost reinforces/feeds what was originally a much smaller thing into something bigger. Wanting company is a perfectly standard development stage, without extra factors such as new schools and babies! When my five year old DD requests company in the bathroom etc I usually acquiesce, but she understands that sometimes I have to say no if I’m in the middle of something. Very matter of fact is a great approach, it is reassuring…and it’s really obvious when a child needs a different way and is truly emotionally upset.

rrhuth · 31/12/2021 08:46

@AliveAndSleeping

What have you read to help you with this problem? I was trying to help by pointing out that what you are doing is not in line with psychologist advice on how to help kids when they are scared.

You have to stop being too rational and start looking at this problem as a five year old would, really.

There is loads of info out there - but the main thing is to accept that the fear is real and whatever is scary is also real, to them.

So if a kid said to me they are scared of a monster, I would say - that's OK, because if the monster came, you would shout me and I would come and scare it away. I would accept the possibility of a monster. At age five you can't ask a child to not believe in monsters.

Your child has had a lot of change and has lost their security of being the only/youngest child in your house. They just want you to be there to scare the bad stuff away I would imagine.

rrhuth · 31/12/2021 08:48

Agree also that too much time talking is not helpful.

All the time you spend talking about why a monster is not real is reinforcing the thought in the head.

If you just say 'that is OK because we can handle monsters' you can move on super fast to something else.

Chilllichutneyandcheese · 31/12/2021 08:51

My dd was like this. Lots of reasons why but it helped to be patient with her and to give her what she needed. It was hard at times and it must be if you have a small baby that needs you too. It helped when we did things in very small steps. E.g. stay in your room for one minute and then we will be there the increase to two mins. Just so they get used to being by themselves but know that we aren’t far away. Also the same can be applied to any other aspect. Stay in living room for one min and play with your Toys then mummy will be there. Gradually increase times. Ours is now 11 and still prefers being in the company of others but will go to sleep by herself, sit in a room by herself etc. She just prefers being with other people and will probably always be like that.

Riverlee · 31/12/2021 08:51

book

Maybe get this book, or something similar?

BlueShirtGuy · 31/12/2021 09:14

Get a night light that isn't too bright. Or move the one she has to the other end of her room.

I would try to cut down on accompanying her to other rooms in your own house. I'd say 'after you have been to the toilet and washed your hands we will go and refill the bird feeder/get out the play doh'

There were plenty of innocuous programmes my dd couldn't manage to watch. It was the moral peril she hated. Like when Bing goes in the back room in the shop. She ran out of the room. We had to stick to older tv programmes or more non-fiction stuff.

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