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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Christmas issue

49 replies

Giantshoulders · 31/12/2021 01:25

My MIL really, really loves Christmas and always goes way over the top buying things for our DC. Last year she bought far too much and the kids (aged 2 and 4) were completely overwhelmed. We ended up opening presents over 2 days as they found it too much. DH spoke to her this year a few months before Xmas and she promised that she wouldn't buy much this year. Despite this she bought as much as we did for our children and it's far too much (her stuff alone would have filled the space under the tree). She also insists on everything from her being from Father Christmas. I know there are different opinions on which presents are from Father Christmas but I find it really intrusive that she wants to pass off her presents as having come from him. It also makes it odd if we don't see her on Xmas day as she has to pretend that he dropped some presents at hers by mistake and I worry that our eldest will see through it and start to doubt whether Father Christmas is real as she won't believe Grandma's stories. I want to get DH to speak to her before next Christmas and set an absolute maximum number of presents that she can buy for each child and that they have to be from her and not Santa. Is that reasonable or AIBU and a massive killjoy? She will hate it but I just feel she is overstepping here.

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 31/12/2021 01:43

I agree with you, she's overstepping. You're right about the FC thing too, that would really annoy me.

It's great that your DH is onside. Leave her to him.

vodkaginwine · 31/12/2021 01:49

I agree with you. I told my parents a couple of years ago that FC gifts and stocking fillers were from myself and DH. She had her turn when I was little, now it’s mine. And when my children have their children, they will get to play FC themselves too without me. She wasn’t happy and sulked a bit, but tough. She not done it since and the kids love the presents they receive from grandparents.

Weenurse · 31/12/2021 01:57

All the expensive gifts are from Mum and Dad or Nana, with a small, token one from Santa. Why should he get the credit for the good gifts?
Also, Santa has to give a gift to every child, he can’t be doing all the big, expensive ones.
Once they compare with their school friends, it gets even more tricky.
YANBU

TerribleCustomerCervix · 31/12/2021 02:01

Honestly, park your ire until August/September 2022.

Any agreements you get from her now will be out the window by Easter, with claims that she forgot or misunderstood.

Original poster
Giantshoulders · 31/12/2021 02:08

@TerribleCustomerCervix

Honestly, park your ire until August/September 2022.

Any agreements you get from her now will be out the window by Easter, with claims that she forgot or misunderstood.

I think you must know her! You're absolutely right doing it now means she will definitely have forgotten by next Christmas. I just can't shake the feeling of being quite angry with her to be honest. I know that I shouldn't be and that her generosity comes from a good place- she adores her grandchildren but she just isn't listening or respecting boundaries.
OP posts:
HoseMeDownWithHollyWater · 31/12/2021 03:08

Get in there first. When your MIL brings out the stocking, say "look at all the presents nana has bought for you!" before she can say they're from Father Christmas.

Spend time reinforcing the idea that he only leaves presents at your house. If your MIL says otherwise, make out she's being silly.

DockOTheBay · 31/12/2021 03:36

YANBU but based on other threads she probably won't listen, will "forget" or say that she couldn't help herself.

backtolifebacktoreality · 31/12/2021 03:54

Yes speak to her about the amount of presents. I've had this in the past and it was almost obscene!

I don't see what the FC issue is though!

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/12/2021 06:26

She is totally overstepping and this would annoy me.

Agree with picking it up in aug/Sept and also getting their first.
"Look what grandma bought!!"
I'd she announces they are from santa..
" grandma is tricking you! Look at the wrapping paper.. it's different to Santa's! These are from grandma! How nice!"

Youngstreet · 31/12/2021 07:04

When she buys the gifts put two thirds in the loft and bring down one a month for the dc. You may have to open them first for age appropriateness.
Eventually your mil will realise the dc are not getting them on Christmas Day any may tone it down.

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 07:17

DH needs to have a firm word and tell her she is ruining the Christmas experience. She's had her kids this is your turn to do Christmas as you want.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 07:20

I suspect that no amount of words from your DH is going to solve this.
You need to tell her now that the kids won’t be seeing her on Xmas day any more, and that presents she provides are from her.
I’d also be siphoning some off and taking them to the charity shop after new year.

Blurp · 31/12/2021 07:29

MIL did this as well; we just didn't play along with the "Santa leaves things at her house too" thing (she also liked all her children and grandchildren to come on Christmas Eve to put their stockings up at her house, which I found really bizarre; the rest of the family just went along with it). We would just tell the DC that Nan had got them these presents but liked to pretend they were from Santa.

She also gave mountains of stuff, some of which we filtered out for regifting or donating; we never managed to get her to cut back.

sunnybunnyy · 31/12/2021 07:42

I just had this with my DM, I've said some ssss. XA

,, b b

onedayoranother · 31/12/2021 08:16

Gosh this is not a problem I've ever faced! Three sets of grandparents but only one present from each set (or none on occasion), which is plenty, and definitely from them not Santa!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 31/12/2021 08:20

Pick your battles OP. Xmas is only once a year ! Father Christmas only lasts for so long it won't be forever. She sounds like she has the best intentions.
However YANBU if she's buying bulky plastic tat - that can stay at her house!

curlii103 · 31/12/2021 08:42

Can you not buy less yourselves? I used to keep all the good ideas for me now i allocate them to my family. Surely its even better that she doesnt even want the credit!

SlapBet · 31/12/2021 08:48

It’s a particular sort of abusive control, my brother does this. It’s hard to explain when you don’t come from a family with these boundary stompers but they definitely do it as a form of control.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 31/12/2021 09:01

My mil used to try the 'oh look what santa left at our house for you' trick. I would over talk and say to dc 'oh look what Granny bought you, how lovely of Granny to buy you these presents, please thank granny for her gifts' etc

Thankfully they didn't buy a ridiculous number of gifts. My aunty does for her grandkids though. If I were my cousins I wouldn't like the amount they get but they don't seem to mind.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 31/12/2021 09:06

@SlapBet

It’s a particular sort of abusive control, my brother does this. It’s hard to explain when you don’t come from a family with these boundary stompers but they definitely do it as a form of control.
I don’t disagree that this is about control, but saying a grandmother is buying too many Christmas presents and makes up annoying stories about Santa kind of waters down the word “abusive”.
5thnonblonde · 31/12/2021 09:12

Ah J hear you OP. My ExMIL also did this and gleefully told my DC on an xmas day video call that their cousin had come up on the 23rd and Santa had come with stockings/gifts bcs he knew grandma wasn’t seeing her on xmas day 🙄 ExH and I obv haven’t always seen eye to eye but even he also agrees this is a batshit approach which will only end in the kids losing Santa years as they don’t believe for as long in order for their DGM to get a few extra in

5thnonblonde · 31/12/2021 09:28

@TerribleCustomerCervix what about saying a mother refuses to let her children parent their children as they would like? This isn’t about the DGC experience but the DS/DIL experience

gogohm · 31/12/2021 09:32

We had the fc on label issue from mil, I told her no, and changed the labels myself (they dropped off presents ahead of Christmas). My mum was the one that bought loads but it's relatively short lived, by 6 or so they are asking for more expensive stuff so I would tip mum off they wanted a handheld game or tablet (I knew her budget and it was within it). As adults they had laptops for university, evening gowns and other expensive items I couldn't afford since their dad left me

MatildaTheCat · 31/12/2021 09:35

How about asking her to buy a family present such as an annual pass for a local attraction, garden equipment or a family holiday (budget dependent obviously?). The DC won’t question this or understand the monetary value but it will decrease the pile of gifts and can be enjoyed all year.

BrambleyHedge · 31/12/2021 09:36

My MIL does this. This year she filled up their stockings before I got to them and even doubled up on choc coins and the satsuma. Difference is that mine are now all old enough not to believe but she has done this since they were little and confused the FC story no end ("why has FC brought me two of the same thing?"). I see it as an invasion of my parenting. This year we didn't even have the pretence...they said "oh we thought you'd like that" as my 10 year old opened her stocking (she is young enough to still like the pretence). Don't do what I did and let it go!