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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL Christmas issue

49 replies

Giantshoulders · 31/12/2021 01:25

My MIL really, really loves Christmas and always goes way over the top buying things for our DC. Last year she bought far too much and the kids (aged 2 and 4) were completely overwhelmed. We ended up opening presents over 2 days as they found it too much. DH spoke to her this year a few months before Xmas and she promised that she wouldn't buy much this year. Despite this she bought as much as we did for our children and it's far too much (her stuff alone would have filled the space under the tree). She also insists on everything from her being from Father Christmas. I know there are different opinions on which presents are from Father Christmas but I find it really intrusive that she wants to pass off her presents as having come from him. It also makes it odd if we don't see her on Xmas day as she has to pretend that he dropped some presents at hers by mistake and I worry that our eldest will see through it and start to doubt whether Father Christmas is real as she won't believe Grandma's stories. I want to get DH to speak to her before next Christmas and set an absolute maximum number of presents that she can buy for each child and that they have to be from her and not Santa. Is that reasonable or AIBU and a massive killjoy? She will hate it but I just feel she is overstepping here.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 31/12/2021 09:37

Agree with Cauli just buy less yourselves- it doesn't need to be a competition as to who buys the most. Put what you would spend in savings for your DC they will appreciate when they are older, more than endless toys.

Ohdoleavemealone · 31/12/2021 09:40

We used to have this too. We explained that the gifts just don't get used because there were so many that a proportion never got looked at.
The next year when it happened again I made her keep them at hers and then it stopped.

5thnonblonde · 31/12/2021 09:45

I found asking them to get big scale stuff like furniture/bikes helped. It’s conspicuous gifting I guess mine just wanted a large visible heap- an easel went down well (and unbeknownst to her was actually collapsible)

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 31/12/2021 09:46

@TerribleCustomerCervix

Honestly, park your ire until August/September 2022.

Any agreements you get from her now will be out the window by Easter, with claims that she forgot or misunderstood.

Then at Easter ypou can moan about how many Easter eggs they get from the Easter Bunny or whoever! I do think that a lot of parents of young children try to endow their children with an adult mind. Children tend not to over-think things.

Original poster

Giantshoulders · 31/12/2021 09:47

Thanks for all of the comments. I agree that it's about control. Everyone has mainly let her get away with doing things her way as pushing against it is such hard work. On the few occasions I've stood up to her it's created huge issues so I don't want to rock the boat if I'm being unreasonable but this just makes me very sad and angry that she is taking something away from us as a family and as a pp said likely shortening the time they believe in FC. She's also started saying that she went to school with FC and speaks to him regularly. We've both told our DC that grandma is just being silly and making that up but she keeps on with it and it's really upsetting. My family would never dream of doing this and are very respectful of our parenting choices.

OP posts:

IggyAce · 31/12/2021 09:49

She’s totally overstepping, Santa gives 1 present in our house the rest are from us or whoever is on the tag. I feel this keeps the magic going longer and also helps children appreciate gifts, learn value and also means those less well off don’t question why Santa didn’t bring them lots and lots of presents like x in class.

5foot5 · 31/12/2021 09:56

@KiloWhat

DH needs to have a firm word and tell her she is ruining the Christmas experience. She's had her kids this is your turn to do Christmas as you want.

What are your DHs memories of Christmas when he was a child? Did he have GPS doing this for him or did MIL get to do Christmas for her DC the way she liked to do it? If the latter might it be worth him explaining it to her from that point of view

jacqelinedaniels · 31/12/2021 10:00

My mum does this but he is her only grandchild and it comes from a place of love so we have mostly silently put up with it. We do our presents at home first thing in the morning and always travel to hers late morning where she has set up piles of presents for everyone, us as well. It gives her joy to do it and I wouldn’t have the heart to stop her though I do roll my eyes that she puts up a stocking for ds and fills it too. We deal with it by deliberately leaving many of the bigger toys there to play with when he visits as we can’t fit them in our house! Life is short, I am happy that she is happy.

Smeds · 31/12/2021 10:34

She's out of order with the Father Christmas thing. Like you say, she had her turn when her children were young. Its now your responsibility.

As for the quantity of presents, I'm not sure you'll have much luck. Are they a mixture of toys and clothes? We put all the clothing gifts to one side so that the DC are opening a little less on Christmas Day. MiL always goes mad, as do the great grandparents. They buy so much that they get muddled when wrapping so the DCs end up opening each others gifts because they're wrongly labelled. Youngest DD even got duplicate Lego both bought and wrapped by MiL. She just loses track! We've spent 6 years telling her to calm it down but she never does.

AlternativePerspective · 31/12/2021 10:46

Honestly pick your battles. It clearly comes from a good place, the kids are only little for a couple of years really, and they really aren’t going to look back and think that the Christmas magic was ruined by the grandparents or whatever.

My mum always bought loads of presents for the kids, both mine and my sister’s, but then my family are generous and it’s what they do.

And she’s not trying to take the credit, she’s giving it to Father Christmas, so it’s not like she’s trying to look better than you or whatever.

Also, by the time the kids are about 8 someone in their class will have told them that fC isn’t real anyway, so it’s not likely to be the MIL spreading doubts about FC.

And the poster saying it’s abuse need to get a bloody grip.

ikeptgoing · 31/12/2021 10:52

Yeah your MiL is way overstepping with pretending she went to school with FC, buying so many presents and claiming FC comes to her house for them. She had her time to do Xmas her way. She's still trying to make it all about her at the centre.

Set rules nearer the time

we do FC presents not you
no more stories about how you know FC from school or he delivers to you, we are their parents and FC stories are ours to tell
stop with the excess of presents it's spoiling it for DCs and us
if you buy excess gifts- more than 3 each- the rest will go in a box wrapped still to donate to Children's hospice so we beg you to listen and not overdo it
we will have to relabel your gifts if you write from FC on them

ikeptgoing · 31/12/2021 11:01

I had to stop my siblings and parents from excess gifting at Xmas and buying stuff from FC

They meant it all kindly but both of them bought cheaper multiple items wrapped up individually - as well as expensive gifts - and insisted on going round one present unwrapped by one person at a time. It was ruining Christmas for us , the DCs were overwhelmed and it was taking all morning to unwrap presents with (DGP) FC leaving everyone multiple huge boxes of chocolates each which was sweet overload for my DCs!

I brought in rule of 3 (it's 5 now) . Only 3 presents from each family pp maximum. They can buy one but if they buy few presents they can only wrap 3 for Xmas.

So no more I just saw this cardi socks shoes bubblebath for them and have wrapped all 15 items for Christmas as well as their main 3 presents we discussed under the tree.

So now when they buy multiple items they get wrapped together. And no more everyday items to bulk it out. We unwrap one present each at same time and thank individually

It's a huge relief not to have such a big production and DCs appreciate what they are given far more

ny20005 · 31/12/2021 11:33

My mil did this too. I used to give most of it to charity. As kids are teens now, she still insists on buying gifts rather than vouchers or cash. Spends hundreds of pounds on stuff they'll never use or wear. She gets all offended if anything's said. I genuinely don't understand why she wants to waste so much money but the charity shops are happy

TyrannosaurusRights · 31/12/2021 12:28

It’s taken three Christmas’s of work but we have finally stopped this Santa business with MIL. Before Christmas we remind her we have Santa covered. We make a big production of ‘thank you grandma’ for items from her. And the volume of stuff has decreased because she’s sulking about it and doesn’t see us on the day (win-win for us).

Flitter123 · 31/12/2021 12:40

Could you buy her a couple of ‘special’ Christmas bags or boxes and tell her she can fill these up? Anything that doesn’t fit in the bag/ box won’t be given to the children. You can make it her only little tradition that’s just about her and she doesn’t have take over yours and give too much stuff.

Natty13 · 31/12/2021 12:48

You only get 18 Christmases with your children as dependants. Once they are adults who knows what will happen, I work in the NHS and my siblings live abroad. I'd bet a lot of money my mother regrets letting my grandparents overstep when we were little now that she hasn't spent Christmas with us all together as adults in at least a decade.

Your MIL had her time as a mum, now its your turn. Sorry if her feelings are hurt but in this case someone has to be upset, why should it be you?

WineIsMyMainVice · 31/12/2021 12:50

We had a similar issue. All I got was ‘we want to spoil them’. I therefore asked for money to go into a savings account instead which they seemed happy with.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 31/12/2021 12:58

She least she bothers. My MIL gets mine one present each - on a good year. Most years she claims she puts money into accounts she has set up for each of them (which I know is a total lie because only a parent or guardian is permitted to set up ah account for a child). FIL lives abroad and sends them £20 each - yeah a lot of thought goes into that 🙄. My parents get them a lot but I see it as making up for the lack of effort from my in-laws.

VoyageInTheDark · 31/12/2021 13:23

FIL tried the Santa thing this year and it pissed me off no end. I quickly corrected him and I think it went over DD's head. We've had to limit them to 3 presents per child but they still go overboard (eg a dolls house)

jacqelinedaniels · 31/12/2021 14:25

@Dontgetyerknicksinatwist

I don’t think that can be right as I know fil set one up for ds, I have seen the statements. It was lovely of him, there will be a fair amount in there by the time ds is 18

AtomicSquirrel3 · 31/12/2021 17:46

I just couldn't get worked up over Father Christmas leaving presents at GPs houses. My kids loved the fact that FC knew where their GPs lived and left presents there for them. They never once questioned it. I agree though with OP that MIL shouldn't buy as many presents as she does.

backtolifebacktoreality · 31/12/2021 20:09

I'm not being sarcastic or awkward, but would like to know what the issue is with MIL saying that toys are from FC. Can anyone shed some light please!

Ragwort · 31/12/2021 20:42

GPs absolutely can save for their DGC .... my DS has just been given a substantial sum of money that his DGPs have saved over the years (Trust Fund) ... which he is investing.

mlj123 · 01/01/2022 14:53

@curlii103

Can you not buy less yourselves? I used to keep all the good ideas for me now i allocate them to my family. Surely its even better that she doesnt even want the credit!

I agree with this. My mil buys way too much and like you my ds used to spend days opening them. (Only my dds first Xmas, but the same for her this year) We have a big family too he so always got loads from them too. Now I just let them buy and save my money. It doesn't matter to me who buys as long as my kids get what they wanted and are happy. The money I save goes on them anyway ( nice holidays/ days out with/ toys later on in the year when they're bored of all their Christmas toys). I also put money in their account too. My mil brings her presents round to ours on Xmas eve anyway so they are at our house for Christmas and are from Santa too.

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