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Original poster

AIBU to ask: much weight did you give your relationship in your early 20s?

30 replies

flosnit · 31/12/2021 01:01

Be completely honest with me! Grin

I'm 22, about a year in. Things were perfect and now after a year there are a few issues... Ie, communication issues.

I love him but also I think I need a reality check. I saw us getting married, etc, but I am also wondering realistically how much time and commitment to give to a relationship at this age when we are having significant communication issues.

I think I need to give my head a wobble.

So, if you were 22, in a relationship with significant communication issues (them, not you), how much time and effort do you put into a one year relationship?

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 01:05

At the time I gave my early 20s relationships (I had 2), a lot of time and effort. Looking back im annoyed at the time I wasted on those clowns, because I saw marriage as important and didn’t really understand red flags/my worth etc. If you have problems after a year in my humble opinion it’s all a bit pointless. DH and I started dating at 24/25 so also early 20s but it was clear compared to the previous clowns that it was something else entirely 😬

There’s no point throwing good money after bad - in this instance, money is time. Don’t waste your time

PlanktonsComputerWife · 31/12/2021 01:08

I didn't, at all. Was single and worked and travelled around the world. It was fantastic!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 01:09

Sorry, to be clear - I didn’t marry the clowns, I just saw marriage as a certain end goal to all long term relationships. Was a bit insane looking back but I come from a broken home and craved stability, which is why I wasted the time!

ReggaetonLente · 31/12/2021 01:12

Mmm, I took it seriously because I loved him - we are now married! - but it didn't take much effort, things came naturally. If it had been difficult or not much fun for a sustained period I'd have sacked it off to be honest. When you're young, with no kids or a mortgage, there shouldn't be much to stress over in my opinion. You should be enjoying life and bringing out the best in each other.

gingerbiscuits · 31/12/2021 01:15

Beware!! I wasted my entire 20s on an initially perfect but eventually dysfunctional, on-off relationship - in the misguided, naive, romantic notion that we were meant for each other! I'd planned our wedding, kids' names, the whole 9 yards! I hung in there WAY longer than was healthy & suffered SO much heartbreak & crushing disappointment. There were red flags all over the place - communication (his) being one of them. Do yourself a favour & don't settle for anything less than you deserve - your 20s are for living life to the fullest.

OkPedro · 31/12/2021 01:17

Oh! I wish hadn't wasted so much time on the one I thought I'd be with forever in my early twenties. Communication is huge.. my ex was ALWAYS right had no respect for women (huge red flag) although I was very immature at 22.. I didn't have a lot of family support. Do you? What do your friends think?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 31/12/2021 01:19

I met my now DP when I was 19. Had DS1 when I was 21 and DS2 at 23. We're still together now. I'm nearly 32.

Time40 · 31/12/2021 01:45

A lot, but then, there weren't any issues. We're still together many (many many) years later. I think if there had been significant communication issues and not much progress was being made, I'd have walked away at that age.

Aria2015 · 31/12/2021 01:52

It depends what the issues are but I was your age when I met dh (together 20 years now). He comes from a family that has huge communication issues. Very heavy on the 'silent treatment' which I can't stand. I made it very clear I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who would freeze me out at every argument and to be fair to him, he did manage to get a handle on it. He knew that it wasn't the right way to go about things and so that massively helped. I wasn't jumping ahead to marriage and babies back then and so I just went with it and waited to see how it would go because he was (is!) a great guy and I was hugely into him.

Over the years he's got better and better at communicating. I think a lot of it was getting him to really trust me with his feelings. Once he could see that nothing 'bad' would happen when he shared things, he got better and better at it. Compared to the man he was when we met, he's so different now. Still not 'great' at communicating but he works on it and he encourages our dc to be open and I can see, he's very much trying to give them a different experience to what he grew up with. He's very much aligned to my way of communicating (which I think is a generally healthy - 'let's talk things out in a respectful and calm' type way).

So in my experience it worked out well but I suppose that very initial experience of him making a huge effort not to give me the silent treatment early on, showed me that he was motivated to learn better ways of communicating and that's what gave me hope that we could get to a better place with it. Can your partner see that they have communication issues? Do they acknowledge them and see why they are destructive? Are they willing / motivated to finding better ways of expressing themselves? I think all that factors hugely in whether or not you should call it a day or not. I mean, people do change and grow (I have and so has my dh) but if someone can't see that they're lacking in a certain life skill (like communication), then they're unlikely to put in the effort required to improve that.

Vegetalienne · 31/12/2021 01:55

At 22 I was a couple of years into my relationship that I’m still in many years later. We didn’t have communication issues, still don’t. I certainly wouldn’t expect a relationship to have significant issues only a year in. In your position, I would try to address the issues if I thought the relationship could be ‘the one’, but if it doesn’t improve quickly, I would end it. Don’t waste time on a man who can’t talk about feelings or problems. If he’s not making effort now, he certainly won’t 5, 10, 20 years down the line.

miltonj · 31/12/2021 01:57

Mine I took incredibly seriously. There were issues because we were younger and working out how to be in a relationship. I knew I couldn't live without him though. We're married with kids now and very happy. I think if you're questioning it, then you should move on.... if the love isn't strong enough to work through the issues/overlook (some) faults, then it's not the one for you.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 31/12/2021 02:04

Too much, tried too hard when at that age things should just have been fun and easy, walked away at 22 and had a ball for a few years, then got into a relationship with DH at 25 but still had a bloody good time, lots of travel, spontaneity socialising etc. Life is harder work now mid thirties with DC, career has ramped up a lot and Covid had made things tough, but still good overall

Gonnagetgoing · 31/12/2021 02:14

Well I met him at 20 got engaged after a year and a half and was divorced 6 months later.

Didn’t help he was suffering from PTSD which wasn’t known of yet. I put in a bit of effort but when he drunk and we had arguments I just broke off the engagement.

Gonnagetgoing · 31/12/2021 02:16

I count 23 as early 20s too but actively avoided men after that apart from a brief fling with an idiot who forgot to tell me he had a GF but then said he might like me more than her! I told him to get lost!

DifferentHair · 31/12/2021 02:33

You're 22- unless you are having an absolute blast in this relationship- end it.

Be single. Travel, work. Find yourself. Date lots of different people. Spend time with friends.

Then when you are ready to settle down you will know yourself and understand what is out there. What a good vs bad relationship feels like.

2021s · 31/12/2021 02:35

This is your experimental stage, you may not find “the one” for many years. Never settle - not while you are young anyway.

Seafog · 31/12/2021 02:49

At 22 I was married with two DC, and we did have some communication issues. At the time, I'd have said he was the one with the problems, where as now I see it was both of us.

We kept working in it, because we made those vows, and had those babies. If we were only dating, I may not have kept at it to be honest, because it was hard at times
The key thing is, dh also kept working too.

Now married 23 years, communication is amazing.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/12/2021 05:39

if the love isn't strong enough to work through the issues/overlook (some) faults, then it's not the one for you

I don’t agree with this. If you love someone snd there are issues after a year; leave! Part of me wasting my time with an abusive prick was because I loved him so much! Love is pointless without mutual respect and happiness, trust and communication etc. Don’t settle for less. You will love someone else, more actually, because you also feel those other key components. Communication is so important.

dontblameme · 31/12/2021 05:49

Far too much, in a toxic relationship for all of my 20s because I was in love and didn't know any better. Many highs and lows. It made me who I am today but I do wish I'd left sooner.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 31/12/2021 05:57

I put far too much into it. I met my ex husband at 18. We got married when I was 24.
I put too much thought into marriage etc. assumed it was very important to work towards it and didn't really understand the massive red flags waiving at me. I liked the security of being in a long term relationship and was scared of having to start again, especially as we had bought a house together.
He married me knowing I didn't really love him. We dragged it out for about 13yrs. At the time I thought it was better to stay in a shit relationship than move on and find someone else.

The main thing I learned was DO NOT SETTLE.

Showpan · 31/12/2021 06:09

I'd end it. Life's too short. You're young. Relationship shouldn't be a drag, especially at this age and after only a year.

autieok · 31/12/2021 06:45

This is a great question to ask.

I was in a serious relationship from the age of 19. I really loved him but there was many things I wanted to change and thought I could change about him. We bought a house got married and had kids and all the things I wanted to be different were stil there but it's so much harder when you have kids and responsibilities. He did try to change but couldn't because ultimately he wasn't right for me. We split up after ten years together.

One thing I've learnt is people can change for themselves, but they can't change just because others want them to. If you are struggling to resolve issues now early doors it will get a lot harder the more invested you are.

Littlejuice · 31/12/2021 06:54

Hi. Wasted my twenties on a married man (utterly ashamed.of myself) . no self worth. Took me THREE YEARS to realise and another TWO to do something about it. Dreadful waste.

KiloWhat · 31/12/2021 06:55

Leave it. One of my biggest regrets was trying too much with a relationship in my early 20s instead of focusing on having a good time.

gannett · 31/12/2021 06:55

Gosh, none at all.

I didn't want to settle down, I definitely didn't (and still don't) want to marry, I barely wanted to be in relationship. Tbh I was probably the red flag myself - commitment-phobic, refused to let men in emotionally, acted like I didn't care about them a lot of the time, also genuinely didn't care about them a lot of the time. If I'm honest in my early 20s I used men for self-esteem boosts (having never been an attractive teenager) and for sex.

It worked, in that I ended my 20s much more confident about myself but also much more mature with age, and thus more "relationship ready", but I don't think I treated some men very well.

If you're 22 and someone's treating you like this, like I treated men when I was 22, I would encourage you to detach from them emotionally if not just dump them. The idea of "fighting" for your relationship is overrated and should be saved for long-term marriages with kids. At 22, a year in, it should be easy and enjoyable. Stop trying to force it with someone who doesn't want it.