To not want to do another year

[Enough21]

I’ve been sat crying for hours because honestly I don’t want to live another year. Just to be clear, I am not thinking about ending my life, but the only reason for that is that I don’t want to do that to my children. For me, there is nothing to live for, I get no joy out of anything and I am just treading water until I can die.

It’s been like this for over 10 years now. I could bore you with the long list of why I ended up like this but trust me, there are no solutions. It’s just endless, miserable drudgery every day, rinse and repeat.

I think it’s the new year coming up which is making it worse right now. I just know what it will be like already and I don’t want to do it. I’m exhausted.

I'm sorry you feel this way. What would make your life better?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Have you spoken to your GP?

Honestly the only thing that would make it better would not being here anymore.

Yes I’ve spoken to the GP a lot over the years, had counselling, antidepressants, CBT. It would appear I’m not fixable so I’m stuck.

I totally understand OP and feel the same way. You are not alone. Life is absolutely exhausting and I'm a shadow of the person I was 5 years ago. It's not that I want to die but that I can't cope with living with such terrible anxiety day in day out. I have spoken with the Samaritans and I will be starting therapy in the New Year so I'm hoping that I can make a change. On the surface I have the "perfect" life so please don't look around and think nobody will understand what you are living with. Far more do than we think it really helps to talk.

How old are you kids... are they aware of your feelings?

@SituationCritical I hope therapy helps, I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years and I understand WHY I feel like this inside out, but therapy can’t take away the things I struggle with. I have PTSD and CFS, and I’m a lone parent to 2 dc with SEN. I have such little energy every day and what I do have I have to dedicate to the kids or to trying to make ends meet. There’s never any time/energy/money left for me. I’m drowning in debt as I’m often not well enough to work and I got turned down with zero points when I applied for disability benefits. Even though I’m often bed bound for weeks on end other than dragging myself up to do the bare minimum to keep the kids going. It’s shite.

It is shite and I'm sorry. I do understand, I also have two kids with SEN. Life can be a fucking slog. I won't patronise you by making suggestions as you've been there and done that with regards to therapy and so on. If there is anything that you think could possibly make your life any easier what would it be and could it be achievable? Just little steps. I wish I could help more.

I have cfs too but consider myself one of the “lucky” ones and can’t imagine how you do all you do. It is terribly isolating amongst many other awful things. Do you have any help? If you’re on Facebook, there’s a great group called ME/CFS Parents, where you will find many other women (and men) in similar situations who post frequently with support, stories of hope and empathy. It might be worth having a look if you’re not already on there as it helped me through my worst time snd that feeling of being alone with this massively misunderstood illness.

I hate to make a suggestion as I know how annoying it is when you've tried everything, but have you considered a 'guided trip' using magic mushrooms? There's a lot of research in this area that points to it being beneficial for people searching for acceptance of their lot. I'm not sure what the situation is in the UK, but it might be worth looking into? I really hope that something helps you find some peace.

Just couldn’t scroll on. Try and be strong and it is good to hear you are reaching out. I hope you get the help U need. 💐

I’m so sorry you feel this way. Do you have no support from a partner or family or school?

I am so sorry you feel like this. Reapply for your benefits and ask someone from CAB to fill them in. The more info you give them you stand a better chance of getting them. Good luck and lots of gentle hugs xxx

I’m the same x

Agree. Same shit different day. When does it end?

When my mental health goes to shit despite a cupboard full of meds which I take on the daily, I book an appointment to see my lovely Dr and prioritise exercise and sleep.
Can you walk the DC/visit a park? Bring a flask and just look at nature around you.
Deep breathe and do some basic stretches.
Settle the DC in front of a screen and nap on the sofa.
Try and eat well, even if it's three bowls of cereal a day.

Hi there, OP,

We're really sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Presumably you've thought of this, but just in case, we wanted to post a link to our Mental Health Webguide which has a few numbers on you could try calling for a bit of support and maybe some different advice?

We hope things somehow improve for you soon.

Support groups, find your people - other sen single parents and cfs suffers. Wont change situation but having others just to talk to helps so much

As soon as I read your first post, I thought, "I bet her kids have SEN." It's so hard, and I don't have any suggestions, other than to say that you're not alone .

Thanks for replies, sorry for delay in coming back. After I posted things got a million times worse when I received some news about the person who is the cause of my PTSD for the first time in 7 years, and that triggered me and sent me into a black hole and my brain felt like it’s scrambled and shut down.

I am in various online support groups, but other than knowing I’m not alone, they don’t really help. Knowing that life is also shit for other people doesn’t take away the feeling of dread I have every morning when I know I have to do another day. And in terms of face to face groups, I don’t think I’m sociable enough for that and also I am so tired all the time that finding the energy/brain organisation just to go to the supermarket can take me the best part of a week.

Luckily the dc are old enough to be pretty independent, so there’s not too much running around after them to do. They are amazing although their SEN does make things challenging.

I always assumed things would get better. I worked really, really hard on making things better, for 10 years. But right now I feel like I’m back to square one, and I don’t have the energy to do it again. I’m 40 and the last decade of my life has passed me by. I haven’t got a career, it’s probably too late to start one and even if it wasn’t I’m not reliably well enough to feel ok about committing to a regular job. I don’t want to let anyone down, and I know I would.

I am pretty resourceful (I’ve had to be to survive) and I know I sound very moany but I am actually naturally very optimistic, but there’s no way out of this situation. I can have a crash from CFS or PTSD at any time, and then that’s weeks/months gone where I’m pretty much useless.