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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just me? Selfish dad??

57 replies

Sleeplesschristmas · 30/12/2021 21:19

So my little one (5 weeks) doesnt sleep unless they are being held...they are slowly getting used to being put in basker overnight but dont sleep for long periods. So my husband does 9-12 in the evening before i breastfeed /sort night wakings through the night. Tonight husband announced he was going to put him down and let him "cry it out"..because he wasnt going to hold him all night again.. . Already I can hear baby screaming continuously. I offered to make husband a bottle before i came to bed, he said no. He barely held him for two minutes before putting him in down.
Im in the room directly above, and our toddler is in the house too. I dont think im going to be able to get much sleep if baby is going to be crying all night, I hate the thought of it... Surely you would put them down for a short while yes but if they are really, really crying at this age surely you would want to do all you could to soothe them??

OP posts:
Beckyboo123 · 30/12/2021 22:13

Please go and pick your baby up, he is 5 weeks old and should definitely not be left to cry it out.

Dazzledee · 30/12/2021 22:17

I voted YABU not because I agree with your husband but because you are being unreasonable not going and picking up your baby!!

RobotValkyrie · 30/12/2021 22:17

Sounds like your little one could benefit from co-sleeping (I found that baby beds that can attach to the side of an adult bed can be quite convenient for that)
And sounds like your DH should fuck off

Ozanj · 30/12/2021 22:21

If he won’t hold the baby to sleep then DH needs to do everything else to enable you to do it. He’s such an idiot - bet he was like this with the first one too but you were just too blinkered to see it.

nopenottodaysatan · 30/12/2021 22:22

Wow. Your baby is a newborn, they dont sleep! They need milk and comfort!
Posts like this break my heart, your poor baby Sad

Aubriella · 30/12/2021 22:23

@Merryoldgoat

Get up and pick up your baby and get your DH to fuck off.

You cannot let a 5 week old baby cry it out - it’s barbaric.

The baby isn’t even aware it’s not a part of you yet. Your DH is being utterly vile.

I agree with Merry
gamerchick · 30/12/2021 22:26

No, what he means is he's refusing to do the first shift anymore and it's now your problem, because he knows you won't be able to ignore it.

Alexandra2001 · 30/12/2021 22:29

At 5 weeks babe was in with us, super king sized bed and breast, we'd have both been distraught leaving her to cry, DH couldn't breast feed but he did everything else, he treat mum like a queen, as it should be!

Follow your instincts and bond with your child.

gamerchick · 30/12/2021 22:33

I had the big bed as well. Time for husband to sleep elsewhere while you and baby cosleep imo.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2021 22:36

What the hell.

FortniteBoysMum · 30/12/2021 23:26

At this age they are crying for a reason. Clearly your child is in distress. It's one thing letting a toddler cry to sleep but never a new born.

Kidsaregrim · 30/12/2021 23:45

Please don’t be to harsh on your husband, week 5 is seriously difficult and baby will be having brain development stages and an increase in crying, your husband maybe feeling overwhelmed and that is ok.

You can not hold a baby all night it’s not safe and the risk of suffocation by falling asleep is high. You need to sit down together and look at safe co sleep, the lullaby trust is a good place to start, then have a look at the “safe 7”.

Your baby needs are paramount at this point, baby will be feeling vulnerable and you need to comfort and respond to their needs. Leaving baby to cry will increase cortisol (stress hormone) and long term this can be damaging (not from one episode though).

Everyone who commented on the crying it out method being damaging are correct and this should never be done on a baby so young.

You and your husband must be exhausted with a newborn and a toddler, remember your a team and need to get through this really difficult stage together and as a team.

Good luck op, you have done it once and you will certainly do it again.

Peoplearetwats · 30/12/2021 23:48

If this is real then your husband is a complete moron

Theunamedcat · 30/12/2021 23:58

@Chamomileteaplease

5 weeks????

Your husband knows NOTHING about looking after a baby. Get him a book!

Jesus. That is really cruel.

Get him a book and beat him with it
Original poster
Sleeplesschristmas · 31/12/2021 00:45

Not long after I posted the crying stopped, he gave him a bottle and I heard no more crying.
I feel like im utterly powerless sometimes, like i cant stand up for myself. I was in shock when it happened. If it were to have carried on i would have gone and got baby but as it didnt i really needed to sleep as my worst fear is to fall asleep with baby. Theres no chance husband would let me co sleep as he works in a and e and has seen first hand what happens when it goes wrong.
He suffered with depression with our first. I never would have had another baby if i wasn't totally convinced he was in a much better place mentally. However moments like tonight really worry me. I opened up to his mum recently about his attitude towards me, baby, toddler and she got really upset and kept apologising saying she would speak to him and tell him to grow up. The thing is I care about him too and can tell he is finding it difficult, but its finding a way to talk to him without him losing his temper or just shutting me out.
Ive asked him to sleep in the spare room tonight, so its just me and baby.

OP posts:
Martz · 31/12/2021 00:52

Sorry OP, your husband is being both lazy and unhelpful. I voted YABU as you should’ve told him what a moronic idea it was to allow a 5 week old to cry it out. On a side note, we found the “shusher” device to be really helpful with DS when he wouldn’t sleep. It could be worth a try?

gumball37 · 31/12/2021 02:24

Holy fuck! At 5 weeks?! No no no no no! Absolutely not. This both enrages me and makes me terribly sad!

Go hug your baby and hold him(her? Can't remember). And keep doing that for months. Fuck.

CelestiaNoctis · 31/12/2021 02:32

5 weeks is way too young to consider any sort of routine or sleep training at all. What a moron!

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 31/12/2021 02:41

There's no way I'd let anyone make my five week old cry it out, Christ I wouldn't even do it to my 3 year old. Think about why you were scared to intervene, I'm not frightened of my husband or his reaction so I would've been there like a shot with a few things to say too. You don't feel able to do that and that speaks to the nature of the relationship as a whole

Happyhappyday · 31/12/2021 03:03

Ok so I do not think this is child abuse, the baby is not going to be left for days to cry. Nor will the baby have “abandonment issues” being left to cry for even an hour or two on one occasion. Seriously. BUT cry it out also isn’t going to be effective at this stage. I’m a huge fan of sleep training and cry it out in older babies/toddlers is effective and DOES NOT DAMAGE CHILDREN but in a 5 week old it’s just not going to work.

I would suggest you deal with it tonight if you don’t think you can have a reasonable conversation and then discuss tomorrow in detail what you’re both going to try to get baby to sleep in the bassinet more. What worked for us was cracking naps, I insisted all naps happen in the bassinet and I persisted in putting baby in overnight even if she woke up soon after but that doesn’t work for everyone. We also did a lot of shift sleeping, only DH would do until more like 2am.

Weenurse · 31/12/2021 03:14

Could he be suffering from post natal depression, given his previous mental health issues?

Rangoon · 31/12/2021 03:39

My father did this but I suspect I was a bit older. The crying stopped and my mother tiptoed in to find that I'd got so worked up I had been sick everywhere but was now fast asleep in a puddle of vomit. My mother apparently had words as she stripped off the elaborate draperies cot had in those days, the sheets, and then bathed me to get the vomit out of my hair.

I was very invested in getting my children to sleep through the night because I was going back after 6 weeks. I was getting a decent chunk of sleep with the oldest at 6 weeks and 8 weeks for the youngest. My children never slept on top of me - this must be a new thing because nobody I knew when my children were little had babies that slept on top of them. I never fed them to sleep and they were put in the cot awake. Their musical mobile was wound up, the music played, their nightlight on and I left the room turning off the main light. Day time naps were almost always in their cot. I made sure night time wakings and feedings were low light affairs with no interaction or talking so the baby soon worked out that fun things never happened at night. If they cried for a bit, somebody would come but it was all too much effort for not much reward unless they were hungry.

Having said that I would never have let a 5 week old scream it out. My children were large with stomachs to match and smaller babies typically take longer to sleep through. That 5 week old sounded like it was hungry. I think your husband is a bit of an idiot.

yellowtwo · 31/12/2021 08:07

Morning OP,

Just read your last post.
"I feel like im utterly powerless sometimes, like i cant stand up for myself." You stood up for yourself and baby last night, and you just keep doing that.
You said your husband works in A&E and has said not to co sleep as he knows what can happen if it goes wrong, well then he should know well a 5 week old baby can't cry it out, that they are crying for a reason, be it milk, to be changed, to be held.

Really feel for you OP, having a newborn and a toddler is hard (but worth it!) without the added stress of your husband and how he is treating you.
It's good you can talk to his Mam, you should tell her about this too, you need support.

nopenottodaysatan · 31/12/2021 08:45

You sound scared of your husband, the fact that you have turned to his mother for help/advice speaks volumes op. Hes quite clearly the one in control here, you need to speak to your health visitor and womens aid, they will be able to help you get out of this very abusive situation, think of your children op, this is incredibly damaging for them.

cptartapp · 31/12/2021 08:55

Who diagnosed his depression the first time?
How did it manifest itself?